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How to help a friend who keeps going back to EA husband?

(4 Posts)
PutDownThatLaptop Mon 07-Mar-16 09:53:27

I have a good friend whose husband is absolutely EA. I knew her before she married him (they have been married less than 5 years). He has treated her appallingly. I am NC with him myself now as I cannot stand the way he treats her and he is livid with me for standing up against the way he treats her. She split up with him finally and they were living in the same house 'while he sorted somewhere to live'. I knew what would happen, it was only a matter of time before he wormed his way back in. Now she tells me that they have rekindled the relationship, she has explained what he has done wrong, this time it will be better, etc. I am in despair as to how to help her or if I even can.

LittleCandle Mon 07-Mar-16 09:55:37

You can't help. the only person who can make her leave is her. All you can do, I'm afraid, is be there to pick up the pieces.

CheersMedea Mon 07-Mar-16 10:17:06

What Little Candle said.

Unless there is an issue with her completely not realising he is EA (in which case you can point her in the right direction, help her to realise, help her towards recommended reading), there is nothing to be done other than keep telling her you will be there for her AND mean it.

It's frustrating watching someone you care about not change a situation that is bad for them, whatever it is. After having witnessed yet another cycle of a victim returning to an abuser, it's easy to get cross, frustrated and figure "Fine! You stay with him then, your problem". Try to avoid or damp down that feeling at all costs.

PutDownThatLaptop Mon 07-Mar-16 12:31:18

I'm not altogether sure that she does accept that he is EA. I have spelt it out, sent the links (me and everyone else!!), had the conversations. She has seen the communications that he has had with me. I have told her that it is not normal to do what he does, use the language he does, threaten suicide, cut off her friendships, etc. She knows that my DH does not have to time my journey home etc but hers does. But now she thinks things will change again and they just won't.

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