Why do some men back off after sex?

[Jollyphonics]

This has happened to me recently, and from reading the dating thread it seems to happen often. The common scenario seems to be man meets woman, they go on a few dates, man pursues woman (lots of texts, calls, attention), they then have sex which is great.....and man goes cold, stops texting, stops calling, and then disappears. Woman is left wondering what the hell happened!

So, why do these men do this?
Is it that they only enjoy the chase, and once they've "succeeded" they lose interest?
Were they never that keen to start with, but thought they'd hang on in there long enough to get a shag, then bugger off?
Is there something about having had sex that makes the woman suddenly less desirable?
Does sex result in a closeness that they find scary, making them want to back off to collect their thoughts?
Are all men who do this a dead loss, or do some of them ever come back and make amends?

Can anyone shed any light on this mystery?! I honestly don't remember this happening when I was dating 15 years ago.

[musicismylife]

I honestly think that's it because they have got what they wanted. And, afterwards, don't see the woman as worth pursuing.


Also, it could be that they are chasing the woman for sex but rather than say that, they go about it a different way.

Disclaimer: call me cynical, but I'm not sure it's to do with a man's emotions as to why he goes quiet. I could be wrong though.

[musicismylife]

It sucks...

[Jollyphonics]

But if the sex was good, why don't they want to go back for more? Surely if that's their motivation, then having it on a plate any time they want would be irrestistable?

[musicismylife]

I agree, jolly. But perhaps the 'thrill of the chase' needs to be intertwined with the sex? I dunno.

Perhaps if they were using said woman for sex, they maybe had a guilty conscience? yeah, right.

I have pondered that question myself, op.

[Pinkheart5915]

I think some men just like the thrill of the chase, once they've had sex they move on to the next one.

This isn't every man, you just need to find the right one.

[Jollyphonics]

What about FWBs? Do they do the same, and if not why not? Is there something about the potential emotional expectation that puts some men off?

[Marchate]

I agree with music. They got what they wanted. You are of no further use

Sad that there are still men like that in the 21st century

[peaceoftheaction]

Women tend to weigh up relationship potential before they have sex and men tend to weigh it up after they have sex. Not always, obviously.

[Lanark2]

Sometimes they get unsure as to whether you were using them for sex and/or want you to start the 'so what do we want' conversation.

[musicismylife]

I had an FWB for years, OP, and no, he did not behave like that. He had no need to though, although I do remember mistaking lust for love in the early stages until I gave my head a wobble..

[musicismylife]

I think peaceoftheaction could have a point.

[Jollyphonics]

Yes I agree. I can imagine women thinking "yes I like this man, I'll have sex with him", and men thinking "I'm not sure what I think but I'll have sex with her anyway and see how I feel after that"!

[Jollyphonics]

Music did your FWB back off when you mistook lust for love in the early days, or did he not realise?

[jellyjiggles]

It's also to avoid complications. Imagine if they had more sex and began to get emotional affected.

Some men are twats

[musicismylife]

In the beginning, he would conveniently ignore my not so subtle hints that I was starting to like him.

It was only when he asked if I was going over & I said it's the time of the month that he said not to bother. I remember being really upset (but, rememver, I thought I was in 'love with this guy).

We spoke about it all not so long back and he said that if we'd ended up in a r'ship, the likelihood would be that we would not be speaking now. It turned even stranger when he asked me out for a meal

[PushingThru]

Honestly. As a Lesbian woman, sometimes I've slept with a woman & thought...errr...nah, chemistry wasn't there and I can't see this evolving. I suspect plenty of men are the same?

[musicismylife]

pushing, good point.

[Slowdecrease]

I think its dead simple. Sometimes you're just a shag to someone and sometimes they like you enough to spend time with you other than shagging. So makes sense that if they're not interested in anything but sex with you, they'll disappear particularly if it's obvious you want more. Ie stating on a profile that you want a serious relationship, telling them early days you've been hurt before etc , those are the ones where he will disappear rather than chance sleeping with again and getting embroiled in a load of stress. Of course if they just want sex and can get away with having a fuck buddy thing they will. If they seriously liked you before sex, they will seriously like you after and there will be no disappearing act.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

I'm split on this

1. it might be a chemistry thing
   
   Or
   
   
2. it might be the fact that some a lot of young men are brought up to not truly respect women. I work in an area which is largely filled with young men and to hear them discuss there 'conquests' was awful. It was all about the chase and what they could get away with. The language that was used to talk about these girls shown that actually they were sexually attracted to these girls but that was it. Yet these girls were utterly drawn in to the bullshit that they were fed! Even if some of us 'oldies' pre warned them , they wouldnt listen.

[Cabrinha]

There are plenty of arseholes out there and so I'm sure that the manipulation just for sex, or just being in it for the chase exists.

But I peaceoftheaction has it for the majority of cases. (obviously basing those statistics on nowt but my own opinion!)

Anecdote of one coming up...

I OLD a guy for a short while, dumped him, we're still in touch and he sometimes tells me his latest dates.

He's on date 3 or 4 with someone now, he's having sex with her. And mailing me saying "we have nothing in common, I don't like her politics, the other day (I know it's awful) I just thought - god you're boring. But I'm kind of feeling a bit negative about life generally, so maybe I'm being too hasty..." He is honestly not using her for sex in a calculated way. He's unsure where it's going (I'm sure, from those comments!) but to him sex is something you do anyway when you haven't decided - not something you do after you have.

He has said after other 4-5 date start ups "too far away / not enough spark / etc - at least I had some sex though".

He's no player. He's pretty wet, really. He is genuinely looking for love. But he will have a pattern of date a bit, shag, call it off. Because sex just happens along the way for him. Some of those women will interpret this as being used for sex.

[lottielou7]

I think there are many reasons for this. If it relates to online dating then you have to remember there are a LOT of men on there who are already married and want their to have their cake and eat it. But they pose as single. I cannot believe the number of times I've looked at a dating profile and in the background you can see feminine hair products and obvious signs of living with a woman already.

Then of course there are the men who lied about wanting a relationship in the first place - they just pretended because they knew that was the only way. Or, I suppose if they do disappear then it could be that they didn't feel the chemistry.

[ToTheLeft]

Whenever this subject comes up I always think of the saying: before sex women are thinking with a clear head and men are not. After sex men are thinking with a clear head but women are not.

[musicismylife]

Op, might be worth taking a look..

www.transformationalwriting.co.uk/blog/relationships-why-do-some-men-pull-away-after-sex

[musicismylife]

Lottie, agreed. The guy I ended up FWBing had put on his OLD profile that he wanted a r'ship..

[88thacademyawards]

I think this happens for three reasons.

First one, they just wanted sex. I think in those cases you pretty much know immediately. They sleep with you then go quiet as a ghost and you can just tell. Very common, happened to me a bit when I was younger but not so much now as I tend to build a relationship before having sex.

Second one, the sex was rubbish. I think in those cases you'd know because it generally feels off or chemistry is lacking. Happenned to me recently and we both just "knew" it was bad sex.

Final one, they are commitment phobic, have a personality disorder, issues of some kind of they don't know what they want.

So that last one comes in many forms and generally this is when you feel completely confused. They have sex with you then pull away, then pull back, then pull away and the signals are not clear cut and they don't give clear intentions.

I had one do it to me because having sex with me made him realise he didn't want a relationship with me and he'd panicked. We're friends now, and he says it was just a panic and he did really like me but maybe not saw a future (to be fair I didn't either).

I had another one do it because he was falling in love with me and he didn't want to. He was a full blown commtiment phobe and the rollercoaster with him went on for 18 months in that he really wanted me, but really also did not want to have intimacy with anyone at all. So he constantly tried to keep things at a certain level he was comfy with and tried to make sure we didn;t escalate or get too close.

Whatever the reason, if they pull away after sex...DUMP.

the reason is never good.