Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do some men back off after sex?

(59 Posts)
Jollyphonics Sun 06-Mar-16 21:31:02

This has happened to me recently, and from reading the dating thread it seems to happen often. The common scenario seems to be man meets woman, they go on a few dates, man pursues woman (lots of texts, calls, attention), they then have sex which is great.....and man goes cold, stops texting, stops calling, and then disappears. Woman is left wondering what the hell happened!

So, why do these men do this?
Is it that they only enjoy the chase, and once they've "succeeded" they lose interest?
Were they never that keen to start with, but thought they'd hang on in there long enough to get a shag, then bugger off?
Is there something about having had sex that makes the woman suddenly less desirable?
Does sex result in a closeness that they find scary, making them want to back off to collect their thoughts?
Are all men who do this a dead loss, or do some of them ever come back and make amends?

Can anyone shed any light on this mystery?! I honestly don't remember this happening when I was dating 15 years ago.

musicismylife Sun 06-Mar-16 21:40:54

I honestly think that's it because they have got what they wanted. And, afterwards, don't see the woman as worth pursuing.

Also, it could be that they are chasing the woman for sex but rather than say that, they go about it a different way.

Disclaimer: call me cynical, but I'm not sure it's to do with a man's emotions as to why he goes quiet. I could be wrong though.

musicismylife Sun 06-Mar-16 21:42:35

It sucks...

Jollyphonics Sun 06-Mar-16 21:45:33

But if the sex was good, why don't they want to go back for more? Surely if that's their motivation, then having it on a plate any time they want would be irrestistable?

musicismylife Sun 06-Mar-16 21:48:38

I agree, jolly. But perhaps the 'thrill of the chase' needs to be intertwined with the sex? I dunno.

Perhaps if they were using said woman for sex, they maybe had a guilty conscience? yeah, right.

I have pondered that question myself, op.

Pinkheart5915 Sun 06-Mar-16 21:51:28

I think some men just like the thrill of the chase, once they've had sex they move on to the next one.

This isn't every man, you just need to find the right one.

Jollyphonics Sun 06-Mar-16 21:54:25

What about FWBs? Do they do the same, and if not why not? Is there something about the potential emotional expectation that puts some men off?

Marchate Sun 06-Mar-16 21:55:00

I agree with music. They got what they wanted. You are of no further use

Sad that there are still men like that in the 21st century

peaceoftheaction Sun 06-Mar-16 21:56:23

Women tend to weigh up relationship potential before they have sex and men tend to weigh it up after they have sex. Not always, obviously.

Lanark2 Sun 06-Mar-16 21:57:53

Sometimes they get unsure as to whether you were using them for sex and/or want you to start the 'so what do we want' conversation.

musicismylife Sun 06-Mar-16 22:00:28

I had an FWB for years, OP, and no, he did not behave like that. He had no need to though, although I do remember mistaking lust for love in the early stages until I gave my head a wobble..

musicismylife Sun 06-Mar-16 22:05:12

I think peaceoftheaction could have a point.

Jollyphonics Sun 06-Mar-16 22:10:55

Yes I agree. I can imagine women thinking "yes I like this man, I'll have sex with him", and men thinking "I'm not sure what I think but I'll have sex with her anyway and see how I feel after that"!

Jollyphonics Sun 06-Mar-16 22:12:33

Music did your FWB back off when you mistook lust for love in the early days, or did he not realise?

jellyjiggles Sun 06-Mar-16 22:14:30

It's also to avoid complications. Imagine if they had more sex and began to get emotional affected.

Some men are twats

musicismylife Sun 06-Mar-16 22:21:26

In the beginning, he would conveniently ignore my not so subtle hints that I was starting to like him.

It was only when he asked if I was going over & I said it's the time of the month that he said not to bother. I remember being really upset (but, rememver, I thought I was in 'love with this guy).

We spoke about it all not so long back and he said that if we'd ended up in a r'ship, the likelihood would be that we would not be speaking now. It turned even stranger when he asked me out for a meal hmm

PushingThru Sun 06-Mar-16 22:28:22

Honestly. As a Lesbian woman, sometimes I've slept with a woman & thought...errr...nah, chemistry wasn't there and I can't see this evolving. I suspect plenty of men are the same?

musicismylife Sun 06-Mar-16 22:43:48

pushing, good point.

Slowdecrease Sun 06-Mar-16 22:51:25

I think its dead simple. Sometimes you're just a shag to someone and sometimes they like you enough to spend time with you other than shagging. So makes sense that if they're not interested in anything but sex with you, they'll disappear particularly if it's obvious you want more. Ie stating on a profile that you want a serious relationship, telling them early days you've been hurt before etc , those are the ones where he will disappear rather than chance sleeping with again and getting embroiled in a load of stress. Of course if they just want sex and can get away with having a fuck buddy thing they will. If they seriously liked you before sex, they will seriously like you after and there will be no disappearing act.

Chocolatteaddict1 Sun 06-Mar-16 22:59:45

I'm split on this

1) it might be a chemistry thing

Or

2) it might be the fact that some a lot of young men are brought up to not truly respect women. I work in an area which is largely filled with young men and to hear them discuss there 'conquests' was awful. It was all about the chase and what they could get away with. The language that was used to talk about these girls shown that actually they were sexually attracted to these girls but that was it. Yet these girls were utterly drawn in to the bullshit that they were fed! Even if some of us 'oldies' pre warned them , they wouldnt listen.confused

Cabrinha Sun 06-Mar-16 23:02:44

There are plenty of arseholes out there and so I'm sure that the manipulation just for sex, or just being in it for the chase exists.

But I peaceoftheaction has it for the majority of cases. (obviously basing those statistics on nowt but my own opinion!)

Anecdote of one coming up...

I OLD a guy for a short while, dumped him, we're still in touch and he sometimes tells me his latest dates.

He's on date 3 or 4 with someone now, he's having sex with her. And mailing me saying "we have nothing in common, I don't like her politics, the other day (I know it's awful) I just thought - god you're boring. But I'm kind of feeling a bit negative about life generally, so maybe I'm being too hasty..." He is honestly not using her for sex in a calculated way. He's unsure where it's going (I'm sure, from those comments!) but to him sex is something you do anyway when you haven't decided - not something you do after you have.

He has said after other 4-5 date start ups "too far away / not enough spark / etc - at least I had some sex though".

He's no player. He's pretty wet, really. He is genuinely looking for love. But he will have a pattern of date a bit, shag, call it off. Because sex just happens along the way for him. Some of those women will interpret this as being used for sex.

lottielou7 Sun 06-Mar-16 23:02:59

I think there are many reasons for this. If it relates to online dating then you have to remember there are a LOT of men on there who are already married and want their to have their cake and eat it. But they pose as single. I cannot believe the number of times I've looked at a dating profile and in the background you can see feminine hair products and obvious signs of living with a woman already.

Then of course there are the men who lied about wanting a relationship in the first place - they just pretended because they knew that was the only way. Or, I suppose if they do disappear then it could be that they didn't feel the chemistry.

ToTheLeft Sun 06-Mar-16 23:12:17

Whenever this subject comes up I always think of the saying: before sex women are thinking with a clear head and men are not. After sex men are thinking with a clear head but women are not.

musicismylife Sun 06-Mar-16 23:14:49

Op, might be worth taking a look..

www.transformationalwriting.co.uk/blog/relationships-why-do-some-men-pull-away-after-sex

musicismylife Sun 06-Mar-16 23:20:06

Lottie, agreed. The guy I ended up FWBing had put on his OLD profile that he wanted a r'ship..

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now