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Is my mother in law normal?

(46 Posts)
Rubysmummy2016 Sun 06-Mar-16 15:03:52

I have always had a strained relationship with my MIL, I've been with her son for 8 years nearly and she's always treated me like I'm not good enough for him (but never said anything, so I can't really act on it). Our daughter (Ruby) was born two weeks ago, premature baby, had to be induced. And I don't know if it's just my hormones or if she's actually trying to shut me out.

Whenever she see's my daughter she says how much she looks like her and her son and nothing like me, whenever my daughter does anything (like wriggle her arms out of her swaddle) she says that her son did that, so she gets that from him (not like all babies do that or anything!). When we were in hospital with Ruby she was really struggling with her temperature, MIL comes to visit, takes the blanket off of her and starts taking "decent pictures" for people at work (I did get rather angry and gave her a piece of my mind).

And now we've been out of hospital for 5 days and she wants me to take Ruby out in the freezing cold to her workplace because she's getting nagged by people she works with wanting to see her (I'm still terrified to take Ruby outside, and it's not something I've felt brave enough to do yet). But now she's nagging me about it. I understand it's her first grandchild (it's my mum's first grandchild too) but she is my daughter.

It feels like she's trying to take ownership of her, and with all of the "she looks nothing like you, she's all our side of the family" comments, it's like she's trying to detach her from me.

She even puts in comments about my labor with her, because I said I felt traumatized by it all, she says there was nothing to be traumatized about.

I'm sorry for the rant :/ But do you think I'm just being a bitch or is this justified?

Pinkheart5915 Sun 06-Mar-16 15:16:12

You rant away, I think you are justified yes.

Congratulations by the way.
Love the name ruby

I can't really understand why you have to take your baby to mother in laws place of work so her friends can see baby. I have never heard of this happening. Can't she just show them the "decent pics" she took?? Don't take the baby to her work if you don't want too. Being worried about taking the baby outside if totally normal I was terrified, don't do it until you feel OK with it.

I think she is rude to always comment that baby looks like her and her son, you are the child's mum and she should find something nice to say to you.

Her comments about the labour aren't very nice either, every woman has a different and recovery times etc are also different for every woman.

Remember she is your daughter don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.

gleekster Sun 06-Mar-16 15:18:59

She sounds fucking awful to me.

What does DH say about it? Does he say "Oh, that's just how she is, no point in saying anything?" If so then you have a DH problem rather than a MIL problem.

Take a huge step back from her. Please tell me she doesn't have a doorkey?

Don't answer the phone to her, let DH do it. Don't answer the door if she pops round uninvited.

If she tries to make arrangements say you aren't sure and you will get back to her.

Don't tell her anything personal - it's all ammunition to her.

If it continues you may have to move far far away.........

Congratulations on your baby. No way would I let MIL take her to her workplace. She is not a trophy.

YokoUhOh Sun 06-Mar-16 15:19:20

Your husband needs to tell her to get lost. Where is he when she's saying all this stuff? MIL problems usually get far, far worse with the arrival of a grandchild; feel free to set very clear boundaries about what you will and won't put up with, and get DH to back you up.

ThatsNotMyRabbit Sun 06-Mar-16 15:20:51

Tell her when something is none of her business. Just tell her. If she oversteps the mark, in any way, tell her.

Remind her that the people she works with don't give the tiniest shit about seeing the baby; they're just being polite. And that even if they were literally dreaming of the day MIL takes her in, that will happen on YOUR say so.

Stop pussy footing around the woman and get her told before the habit sets in.

228agreenend Sun 06-Mar-16 15:32:38

You need to set boundaries NOW. Use tiredness, baby nap times, breastfeeding, anything as an excuse, but you need to dictate who can see the baby and when now.

I can't quite believe she wants to take your daughter to her workplace without you, if that's how I understand it. No one takes a newborn away from her mother.

Maybe you should say that visits are only allowed at weekends, to allow you and baby to get into a routine, etc .

Congratulations on your lovely daughter.

Rubysmummy2016 Sun 06-Mar-16 16:17:32

Pinkheart5915 Thank you, I feel a little less crazy! I thought it was weird too. I think she just wants something to show off.

gleekster DH has said he knows that what she is saying isn't nice or fair. but she's just excited about having a first grandchild (so's my mother but she's not turned into this!) She did have a doorkey when I was in hospital, taken that back the second I got home!

YokoUhOh Oh I wish he would, his mum has a very dominant/ manipulative personality and he doesn't want to upset her. Even though his wife is sat here quite obviously upset. (It's a shame I'm not a bitch, maybe he'd listen)

ThatsNotMyRabbit
Remind her that the people she works with don't give the tiniest shit about seeing the baby; they're just being polite. And that even if they were literally dreaming of the day MIL takes her in, that will happen on YOUR say so.
I love this. I live this. Thank you so much smile

228agreenend Oh no, she doesn't want her going without me, she wants me to take her. When I'm running on 2 hours sleep a night, haven't showered in 3 days or eaten something substantial in...well forever haha. I wouldn't even consider her taking her anywhere. It's a good idea about the weekends, she would probably have a moan because she's a heavy drinker who gets to drink even more heavily on the weekends but it's her choice! smile

Thank you so much ladies, it's nice to know that I'm not just crazy or a complete bitch xxx

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Mar-16 16:23:15

She must be mad if she thinks people at work are desperate to see your baby. It sounds like she's bored them to death throughout the pregnancy. Even your own work friends wouldn't expect you to bring your baby in for several weeks - I don't think any of the women I worked with brought their grandchild in at all, never mind when they're newborn.

Don't forget if the baby does go into work with her, she'll be passed around to everyone, whether they have colds, coughs, cold sores or anything else. Don't let her do it!

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Mar-16 16:23:16

She must be mad if she thinks people at work are desperate to see your baby. It sounds like she's bored them to death throughout the pregnancy. Even your own work friends wouldn't expect you to bring your baby in for several weeks - I don't think any of the women I worked with brought their grandchild in at all, never mind when they're newborn.

Don't forget if the baby does go into work with her, she'll be passed around to everyone, whether they have colds, coughs, cold sores or anything else. Don't let her do it!

MyBreadIsEggy Sun 06-Mar-16 16:26:00

Congratulations!!!

You are not crazy!! Your MIL sounds like a thundercunt angry
And as for taking the blankets off of Ruby so she could get a "decent picture" when she was premature and struggling to maintain her temperature?!! What a selfish, stupid thing to do!
You have every right to tell her to back off (I know that's really hard to do!). Please do not let this woman bully you into doing anything you do not feel ready to do or don't want to do full stop.
Has your partner said anything to her, or told you how he feels about his mother's input??

luckiestgirlintheworld Sun 06-Mar-16 16:31:27

I'm going to go against the grain I'm afraid and say I can't see much wrong with the things you've written. She sounds annoying, but not awful. She's just proud of her grandchild and wants to show her off. That explains why she's keen to point out their resemblances as well. She's just proud of her. Go easy.

Florin Sun 06-Mar-16 16:32:14

Your MIL is batshit. No one will care about seeing your baby they are just being polite to MIL. I didn't take in our DS to my dh's work let alone MIL's. Ignore her, then find a good box set and sit down and watch it while snuggling your lovely new baby and enjoy her while she is little, that is what you should be doing while they are little. Before you know it she will be walking and in to everything so enjoy being able to just snuggle at home and learning to be her Mum.

DartmoorDoughnut Sun 06-Mar-16 16:38:35

^what they said! Your MIL is understandably excited but going completely the wrong way about it.

Hardly anyone else held my - overdue by the max - DS for the first few weeks, and due to csection etc etc we didn't leave the house for the first 4 weeks or so I think whilst we found our feet, so don't feel in any rush at all with your undoubtedly gorgeous DD.

Oh and yes to the boundaries, my MIL did the whole "oh he looks exactly like FIL" etc but I just replied with "really? Everyone says he looks just like me" grin

shutupandshop Sun 06-Mar-16 16:43:12

Tell her to fuck off. She sounds nuts.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries Sun 06-Mar-16 16:44:18

I can't see much wrong with the things you've written.

shock really?!

When we were in hospital with Ruby she was really struggling with her temperature, MIL comes to visit, takes the blanket off of her and starts taking "decent pictures" for people at work

A prem baby, struggling with her temperature, has blankets taken off her so MIL can get some photos, and you can't see anything wrong with that?

Yikes.

OP, she's batshit. Ignore her as much as you possibly can. Enjoy plenty of snuggles with Ruby (beautiful name!) and take the time to point out to yourself all the parts of her that look like you smile

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 06-Mar-16 16:45:06

"It feels like she's trying to take ownership of her, and with all of the "she looks nothing like you, she's all our side of the family" comments, it's like she's trying to detach her from me."

Yep, that is precisely what this woman is trying to do. Trust your instincts! Keep her away from you all as far is practical.

shutupandshop Sun 06-Mar-16 16:45:41

I agree set the boundaries now. Ruby is your baby. Mil can sod off. Shes had her turn.

gleekster Sun 06-Mar-16 16:45:59

DH needs to be more worried about upsetting you than about upsetting his mother.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell Sun 06-Mar-16 16:49:51

Um, I think you may have posted some rather identifying info here, child's name, when born, when out of hospital, how long with partner etc. You may want to self-report to MNHQ and edit out some of the details?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 06-Mar-16 16:50:52

This is all about power and control. She wants to play mother again by taking ownership of your DD and taking her to her workplace as some sort of trophy. She is actively trying to undermine your own authority re your DD.

You do not mention FIL in all this; is he still around?.

You are one of her parents and therefore always have the last word here.

I am not at all surprised to read that you've always had a strained sort of relationship with your MIL. It will always be the case as well because such people cannot and will never listen to any reasoned argument. She will also continue to meddle in your life so long as she has any "in" to do so.

I would also argue that your DH is as much a problem as she is because his own inertia when it comes to her is simply hurting him as well as you. He is very afraid of his mother and still actively seeks her approval by not wanting to "upset" her. He is probably in a fear, obligation and guilt state with regards to her as well. She was not a good parent to him and is likely to be much of a decent example of a grandparent to your DD. Such people like your Mil are really incapable of being upset in the usual sense of the word, acting so is another way of maintaining control over him and in turn you.

You need firm and consistently applied boundaries now; if he is unwilling and unable to do so then you need to do this. Am glad you got her key to your home back. Ultimately you and your DD may well need to stay well away from her.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

YokoUhOh Sun 06-Mar-16 16:52:14

OP start being a bitch. These people don't respect you for being nice, anyway. <bitter experience emoticon>

CatsRule Sun 06-Mar-16 16:53:19

Sounds exactly like how my mil behaved...her awful behaviour just escallated, so much so that her own son doesn't want her anywhere near ds or any of us as she is just so toxic. Hope you dh/partner is supportive.

WeAllHaveWings Sun 06-Mar-16 16:57:34

Get those boundaries set now and tell your dh you expect his support and loyalty 100%. If/when you dd goes to your MIL workplace it will be when you are ready, tell her to back off for a couple of weeks at least if you doesn't like that then tough shit and your dh need to tell her that.

Hissy Sun 06-Mar-16 16:59:11

My love, with all the love n the world, you have to mum-up smile

"I'll let you know about a work visit when we're ready"
"Please don't minimise my birth story, that's not acceptable"
"She's weeks old mil, she looks like a baby, don't be so ridiculous"

diddl Sun 06-Mar-16 16:59:43

She sounds awful.

The going on about looking like her& her son is perhaps the one thing I could gloss over.

MIL used to go on about PFB having brown eyes just like her.
(Yes & me & his father, maternal GPs & paternal GF!!)
She just looked a bit daft when people would look at us all looking back with our brown eyes!grin

PFB was prem & on SCBU & she was getting in a tizz as to how to work the hand wash dispenserhmm.

So she wasn't going to bother as she was his GM & obvs meant no harm so it didn't apply to hershock

I asked if she thought that I meant harm then as it applied to me.

Yeah, she's so excited about herfirst GC that she doesn't give a fuck about her welfare, or even a pretence at caring about her DIL.

It's all about her& pretending showing to others that she's a good GM when in fact she sounds the exact opposite.

Ask him what's the most important?

You & your daughter or her bloody workmates?

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