How unforgivable is this?

[Dixie2016]

Maybe it's not and I'm just creating drama but it feels pretty big to me.

I lost my father not so long ago and am struggling recently with my grief. I keep dreaming about him. This week would have been a milestone birthday for him, it's also the first birthday since he died. Anticipating that I might struggle on the day I told my husband several weeks ago that I'd appreciate it if he'd not make any plans or commitments that would stop him from coming straight home from work.

You can see where this is going right? He had a work meeting with a client that turned into drinks. Whilst he wasn't more than about 45 minutes late home he was clearly the worse for wear. Not falling over drunk but blathering crap and not really following a conversation drunk.

I got annoyed with him and we had a row. He doesn't consider what he did to be bad in any way. He's apologised that I feel he disregarded me and my feelings. That drinks were offered in a swanky venue and he couldn't pass up the opportunity. I think he should have kept it to one or two max and come home sober.

He knows I don't enjoy his company when he's had too many. He talks utter random crap ie "what do you want for dinner? That's a government response!". I mean that makes no sense at all. How is someone like that going to offer any support or comfort?

I feel very hurt and as though he couldn't give a toss about me. He prioritised having drinks ffs!

[ciele]

IMHO men are not always aware of how much women "feel" things. My DH has the same type of tendencies. I think they just don't think ahead.

[Dixie2016]

That's why I specifically told him. I even reminded him of the date yet he still maintains he simply forgot. It clearly wasn't that important to him then was it?

[RealityCheque]

45 whole minutes late. After a couple of drinks with a CLIENT?


What a bastard.

[DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings]

He's a wander. I know that's not helpful but he is

[DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings]

Wanker!!!

[BackInTheRealWorld]

I forget birthdays all the time. My mum gets really angry if I miss her birthday. I spend the run up to her birthday very stressed and determined not to forget it. I still often do. It's not intentional.
You sound like you don't believe it was an honest oversight? Why don't you believe him, does he usually lie to you?

[RudeElf]

Why was he to come straight home from work? And for how long? This whole week or since you asked him several weeks ago? I think thats quite unfair tbh.

[LineyReborn]

My father died a month ago and the dreams have been crippling. I really sympathise.

But your husband might not understand that. It's hard to explain, I find. My OH has been very good - but he's been through it himself so 'gets' it.

Try and talk to him tomorrow. In the meantime, is he at least in a fit state to give you a hug?

[jellybean2000]

I think the main issue is that despite you asking specifically, he sees that he did nothing wrong.

It doesn't matter what he did, or even that he got pissed, but that he didn't respect your wishes.

However, you say he says he thinks he did nothing wrong but then did apologise. So, can you forgive him?

[Dixie2016]

Reality read what I said! I said he wasn't that late back but was in a state. It's the fact that he couldn't hold a sensible conversation that has annoyed me not the 45 mins! He could easily have kept it to one or two drinks, he had clearly had a lot!

I reminded him of the date several times and mentioned it to him that morning. So him " forgetting" after leaving the house that morning is crap.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Did you have plans for the evening?

Tbh I don't think it's such a big thing really

[Hassled]

You needed his support on a difficult day, you made that very clear and he let you down. The drinks were more important. Of course you're upset - and I hope in the morning he is mortified. And I'm sorry about your Dad - I know how hard these things are.

Years ago I posted on MN because DH forgot the anniversary of my father's death - some people said "well, he's a man, it's just a date, what do you expect?" Well - I expected better. I expected support. He was very contrite and all's well - but my point is don't be sidetracked by people giving you the "well, he's a man, it's just a date" line. It's not an excuse. It matters, FFS.

[RudeElf]

Ahh so it was just this evening you wanted him straight home from work? Not unfair then. Yes i think he could have said no to client drinks and came home.

[Dixie2016]

To clarify a few points-

I only asked him to come home on one night, my dads actual birthday. Because I have been feeling very upset lately and knew that I'd be feeling crappy on that date and would want company, support and a hug.

He has apologised that I " feel" he disregarded me. He hasn't apologised for not keeping to his promise or for the fact that he paid little attention to my reminding him of the significance of the date.

To not be accused of drip feeding I have a small baby who is very difficult.I'm struggling a bit which DH knows.

[musicismylife]

Backintherealworld, your mum gets angry?

[Dixie2016]

Thanks hassled that's exactly it! It mattered to me. I explicitly told him what I needed him to do to support me to avoid any misunderstandings etc.

He hasn't experienced the loss of a parent but he has always said his biggest fear is losing his mum and how it would devastate him. I've had to put up with times when he has moped and been down because something has made him realise she is getting older and won't be around forever. Well my dad really has died and I don't feel like he particularly cares.

[Dixie2016]

Also this all happened the other night not tonight. We've argued about it again tonight.

[Sallystyle]

OP I would be very hurt too.

If my husband asked me to come home on time because I knew I was going to struggle on that date and he came home 45 minutes late pissed I would be hurt and wonder why the fuck he couldn't put me first that one evening.

And screw the whole 'men don't think like that' shit.

I am so sorry for your loss OP

[HeddaGarbled]

He has let you down but I don't think it's unforgivable. You've expressed your annoyance and he's apologised so I think you should let it go now.

I do understand how hard these key dates are when you are recently bereaved (been there) but I think prepping your H weeks in advance that you were going to be very upset on this specific date may actually have prompted the extra few drinks, steeling himself for an emotionally difficult evening after a day at work.

It's all ended badly but I think you need to put it to one side. No fun falling out with your H at the same time you are dealing with your grief.

[BackInTheRealWorld]

Yes music she didn't speak to me for weeks last time. I get it, she thinks I'm thoughtless and uncaring by not bothering to call her on her birthday - I do know it looks that way. But it's not how it actually is.

[lorelei9]

Oh Dixie I feel for you
And of course you're upset
You flagged up that you needed support on one occasion and he ignored that.

He's been a total arse and frankly I think it's bizarre when anyone says "he's a bloke", many men are perfectly willing to provide support in situations like this.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Obviously you're not being unreasonable because you're bereaved and I'm very sorry about your dad...

I don't think your husband was that wrong, though. It was a client meeting. He kept it short. If he'd gone for a pint and got drunk, I'd understand your frustration, but at client drinks everyone drinks at the same speed. It'd be rude otherwise, especially if you are the one cutting the night short. And while I know you only asked for him not to drink on this one night, it happened to be the night of the drinks...

I'd make up and move on to be honest, I think he did try to support you in the way you asked. It wasn't like he stayed out late and totally disregarded you. Good people screw up sometimes.

[Sallystyle]

Back can you not put a reminder on your phone?

I know I am forgetful so if I want to make sure I remember to call someone I set a reminder for a time when I know I am free so I can call the second I get the reminder so there is no time to forget.

I wouldn't be angry at my child who forgot my birthday but I would be a bit hurt because in this day and age there are so many apps that you can use to remind yourself and if my children were forgetful I would wonder why they didn't utilise the technology we have so I could at least get a phone call.

[Dixie2016]

Thanks everyone.

He hasn't really apologised. If he had we wouldn't have argued again tonight. It was an I'm sorry you feel that way, not an I'm sorry for what I did. Big difference I think.

He definitely didn't have the drinks to step himself. He was oblivious to why I was upset until the next morning. He had completely forgotten, but since I had spoke to him that very morning he clearly either wasn't paying attention to me or it didn't matter to himZ

[Dixie2016]

These weren't pre arranged drinks that he couldn't get out of. It was a meeting where drinks were brought out. I do think he could reasonably have declined or limited his consumption.