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Bancroft Abuser Files; Part Mr Sensitive Part Victim. Can anyone help me work this out?

(5 Posts)
Robotgirl Sat 05-Mar-16 20:31:22

Hi all
Was going to NC but can't be bothered & too exhausted...
Will try & keep this in a nutshell
Have been with partner for just over a year. After recently reading Bancroft's Abuser Profiles, he is very Mr Sensitive/Victim.
We both had bad experiences with our ex's & each have a child from that relationship. He talks about his ex with disregard & says she labelled him abusive. He went to court to get access to his daughter. He now has her EOW.
He has always been quite non-committal & we've had ups & downs but recently things have felt really good. I've been pretty down (made redundant, single parent, exhausted) & he was supportive & lovely during this - I'm feeling loads better now as new job & other positive changes & the other day I told him I love him (he's never said it, I have never said it, I thought he felt it but he was very quiet & did say it back but very robotically & without looking at me) Since then has been completely strange- much less tactile, moody, contemplative & keeps saying it's because he's stressed.
I'm not sure what I'm asking but think it's Whether anyone has experience of Sensitive/Victim men & could it be that after a year he's not in love with me? Do these kind of men fall in love? My head's a mess & I feel like something is just not right here....
He has always been actions rather than words with expressing how he feels... And I have always felt a bit unsure where he/we are if that makes sense....
Thanks for reading. I'm going to have a glass of wine now - hope this makes sense wine

Marchate Sat 05-Mar-16 20:57:25

From what I can gather, they get enjoyment from being pitied, pandered to etc. Love doesn't do anything for them

But you have to love him! Because he is such a poor, misunderstood soul who needs you to bolster his ego at all times

Robotgirl Sat 05-Mar-16 21:16:40

Thanks Marchate
He is very open with his feelings & talks at length about how he is feeling about stuff. But never about Love, commitment, future.
Reading these abuser profiles has kinda freaked me out because the ones I've mentioned have made alarm bells start to ring & I don't know what to do....

GirlInASwirl Sun 06-Mar-16 02:09:36

Hi OP. I have not read the Bancroft Files but your story sounds very famiIiar. He sounds like he has a lot of baggage to sort out which is independent of you.Please don't get into the trap of trying to 'rescue' him. You can waste years this way and if doesn't nurture you. I am also wary of men that slag off their exes. Surely the relationship broke down due to faults on both parts. I always try to reverse what a man says about his ex to see what problems she could have had with him. I think a decision can be made as to how long you are prepared to wait for a discussion on the future. If he avoids this, he is unlikely to commit further. Many a year can be wasted with you working hard whilst he ruminates in the past. Good luck x

Robotgirl Sun 06-Mar-16 09:01:54

Thanks girlinaswirl
I'm a rescuer by nature but need to stop that now, I agree.
I've been awake since 6 & re-playing particular situations in my head -
Last night he was telling me I hadn't been caring enough when he was talking in the phone about how stressed he is. I listen to him all the time sometimes for hours on end but this particular time I'd just run 15 miles, been gardening all day & looking after 3 kids all PM. Was a bit exhausted. Anyway, I'm picking up on stuff more & more. He seems to enjoy making me feel bad.....

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