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My father

(8 Posts)
Mikethenight2good Fri 04-Mar-16 20:27:54

Hello wise MN, I need some advice. It's in regards to my dad.
He is a complicated man & leads a life which is not particularly savoury. Lots of women, pretty seedy. Mum and him divorced years ago, and dad I have had a OK relationship. He gets on my nerves, talks about himself, very self centred, but has always supported me & come to my aid many a time. He also loves my kids & they love him, he is a much better grandfather than he was a Dad. I suppose I have been plodding along with him as it works for my family.
Last week I received a photo of him with a hooker. Not the sort of thing a (adult) child should see of their dad. It came from his phone. I haven't been able to talk to him since. It disgusts me. I have known for years he does this sort of shit from my mum (dad has never openly told us), but to physically see it makes me sick. I know that sounds feable by ignoring his lifestyle, but he is my dad and is single and no longer married to my mum. So had a bit of, what's it got to do with me attitude. But to see it, is a bit of a head fuck.
According to my sibling it was sent to us by mistake (WhatsApp group) . not sure how. He doesn't passcode his phone so it is also a possibility someone has sent it to us maliciously. Either way the damage can't be undone. Even though I have deleted the photo, it's still there in my brain. I could be playing with the kids / doing washing up, anything really, and it appears in my head. My dad in a sex act with a hooker.

Hubby told him I need some space, & I suppose I was hoping I would come to a natural conclusion on whether I was going to have a relationship with him or not. However he keeps ringing / texting & the kids know something going on so I feel pressured into talking to him, just so we can move on. But he is the kind of character that makes him the victim, & I can't be arsed to hear it. But I dread every time the phone goes or the doorbell ringing just in case it's him. So I feel I need to get some control back.
I wish I could talk to my mum about it, but it would kill her. Hubby is supportive to a point, but has a habit of telling you what he thinks, and he is not great at listening. I can't talk to my friends as tbh I can't face seeing their reactions, and potentially being the subject of gossip.
I really don't know what to do or where to go with this. I thought writing it down would make it clearer but it doesn't. I am just so sick of his 'all about him' selfish attitude.

holeinmyheart Fri 04-Mar-16 21:53:39

OMG as though you haven't got enough to cope with without your DF behaving so disgustingly. However, you are making yourself ill over this. He made a stupid mistake and would probably be mortified if he knew what you have seen.
So what to do? You really need to stop thinking about it, as beating yourself up, and going over and over the situation is not good for you. Also he is an adult and although it is unsavoury and disgusting, he is making his choices.

It is not your life. You are a nice kind person, so now you really have to stop thinking about him and concentrate on your self and you own happiness. It is possible with practise to relax and let whatever your DF is doing, go over your head and think ' I don't give a shite what he does'
My life and what I do with it are more important to me!

You say yourself that he is a selfish person, so having it 'out with him' is not going to stop him. The only person you can change is you. So you have to find some way of switching off. You haven't done anything wrong but you are the one suffering.
Try a 'Mindful ' course, I think that might help.

Mikethenight2good Fri 04-Mar-16 22:37:56

Thanks hole I will look into the mindful course. I did this evening conclude I need counselling. I have been thinking about it for awhile but I really need to sort my head.
Doesn't help I am also pg, can't sleep, sick as a dog and knackered. My ability to think clearly has gone out the window.
I feel a bit lost & alone.

Mikethenight2good Fri 04-Mar-16 22:38:49

He knows we have seen the photo

amarmai Sat 05-Mar-16 00:20:06

he knows you have seen the photo AND?
You have the right to live your life by your moral values. You do not have to compromise your standards because he is your father.
Who sent the photo? If it was him ,i'd have no problem cutting him off from my family. If it was the pro then that wd be really worrying. If it was a friend of his-equally worrying. Whoever sent that photo does not mean you well.

britmodgirl Sat 05-Mar-16 02:38:07

Not quite to the same level but I had a similar situation regarding my brother recently. My ex casually told me that my brother had had a three some with two people I know and insinuated that he took advantage whilst they were drunk.
I was really yucked out by it for ages. I kind of thought my brother was better than that. Also that he had more respect for women having lots of sisters.
Ultimately though I had to accept it was an accidental insight into his private life, not necessarily the whole story (from ex) and accept the fact that he's a grown man who as long is he is doing it with consenting adults can do what he likes.
Didn't stop me being yucked out though and I thankfully didn't have pictures, they'd be harder to forget.

holeinmyheart Sat 05-Mar-16 09:43:34

OMG you are PG as well. I would advocate counselling for the whole world, if I could. I needed it after the childhood( if you could call it that ) I had. I didn't actually have counselling but went on a counselling course. I did three altogether because of my job. I never intended to be a counsellor.
The course changed my life and so did the Mindful course.
I stopped worrying about what other people were thinking and doing, and realised that I needed to concentrate on my own life and happiness. The most important person to you, should be you. If you can like yourself first, then you have enough warmth to give to others.

I can't say I actually love myself, but at least I now think I am as good as any one else. I am just ordinary.
You sound as though you had a bit of a s** childhood as well. So counselling may well help you . It may help you from beating yourself up.
We are really good at this.
Hugs, take care.

annandale Sat 05-Mar-16 09:49:56

The good news is that with time the image will fade. But I really feel for you. Had a situation with my dad that involved finding that the shit he used to do only to us had actually spread beyond the family, and that the stuff within the family was worse than I thought (not sexual, money-related) and it was an awful shock tbh. I didn't contact him for a long time and am only just getting back into regular contact, I decided in the end that I was more miserable constantly deciding not to contact him than being in touch with him. However any thoughts of anythign more than a kind of day-to-day relationship have gone - no deep conversations, I just don't want to know.

I would say give yourself time but he clearly is pushing the issue. Getting a counsellor's external perspective could help move things on quicker than just waiting for it all to settle down.

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