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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dp's ex tagging along with him during his time with the children

101 replies

Disgruntledex · 03/03/2016 19:13

Would you be annoyed if you'd been with your dp a while and suddenly he started to spend more time with his ex on the days he has the children ? It seems like every other weekend they play happy families going off to places or out for dinners .. He even took her with them to visit his grandparents.
It's not always been like this but the last few months it has crept up.

I've asked him why he feels the need too suddenly. ( if it had been something they'd always done since the split I think I would be slightly more according but they haven't and it's only the last few months it's changed). I thought he might have said he felt the need to because she's their mother but instead he said it wasn't out of duty, that he enjoyed catching up with her and hearing about her job and life.
As far as I'm aware there is no contact between visits unless dc related I just don't understand why she needs to be there and why so regularly.

OP posts:

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Pinkheart5915 · 03/03/2016 19:17

I think it's ok for him and his ex partner to take the kids out together, it is a good thing they get on still after the break up and is so good for the children.

If they have no contact other than when with the children I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Do you trust him?

pocketsaviour · 03/03/2016 19:18

Sounds like you're the in-between girl. He wants to get back in her.

Disgruntledex · 03/03/2016 19:26

I don't not trust him.
I do agree it's good they get on but such regular time together unsettles me I guess.
Although rare if they are in contact between visits they will often email back and forth for hours! He's honest about that.

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 03/03/2016 19:47

It's a tough one, if you have trust issues with him I assume he has given you a reason to not trust him at some time in your relationship?

I guess if his ex partner is going along with the children every time he has access this is a little strange. My parents separated when I was a child and when me & siblings went to see dad each week mum only ever came along if it was a good school report treat or birthday treat that sort of thing.

I've never been in your place of having a partner with children by somebody else, so I can't comment on how I would feel.

HeddaGarbled · 03/03/2016 21:55

I would feel as you do. I would be worried that they were rekindling something. Occasionally, fine. Every other weekend, not fine.

MoltoIncazzata · 03/03/2016 21:58

Is "I don't not trust him" the same as "I trust him"? I don't think so. I wouldn't trust him either. Yes to a good relationship with the mother of his kids - this is essential. But something seems amiss with what's going on here. What would happen if you wanted to go with?

MrsRolandRat · 03/03/2016 22:11

I have a child and my ex (her dad) and I get on well.

I often go out for food with him and our dd when I drop her off at his house. I'd also happily to go see his parents as we are all on friendly terms (they send me birthday and Xmas gifts) we holiday together with dd.

There's nothing in it, I actually couldn't stand the thought of sleeping with him ever again or getting back together, no thank you!

However he was a friend as well as a partner when we were together. He still is a friend, just because he's my ex it doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to go out together in a platonic sense.

lunar1 · 03/03/2016 22:23

I'd normally be on the side of it being good for the children to spend time together with their parents.

But honestly it sounds like he is dating her!

jeremyisahunt · 03/03/2016 22:25

How long ago did they separate?

dalmatianmad · 03/03/2016 22:38

I would be really uncomfortable with this, agree that it's good for them to get on but this is quite strange in my opinion!
Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds

Disgruntledex · 04/03/2016 06:01

It is good they get on.
But is it necessary for them to be out together every other week
It started with a trip out in October last year no expense spared and they have gradually got more frequent.
I wouldn't be welcome to go haven't met his children yet.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 04/03/2016 06:20

How long ago did they split up?
How long have you been together?

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 04/03/2016 06:33

Wips has it.

If they split up 10 yrs ago, and you two have been together for 8, it's probably fine. If we are talking them splitting up 18 months ago and you two being together for a year, it's not.

ivykaty44 · 04/03/2016 06:46

It will be very confusing for the dc for this to be happening. Dc often hold a candle to thuer parents relationship for a long time and would really wantbthier parents to become a couple again. To see thuer parents do this and then thuer father go home to someone else will be upsetting for them.

ILikeUranus · 04/03/2016 06:53

I don't think it's fine at all tbh. It's great for the kids, and them, but it's crap for you isn't it. She's not 'tagging along', she's warmly invited and her company is very much enjoyed. Emailing her 'for hours', seriously? His boundaries are in the wrong place, even if it's not physical (or not yet), it's not nice for you to feel this way, and your feelings should count for something if this relationship is going to work.

crumblybiscuits · 04/03/2016 07:02

I used to go on school trips and adventures to the part with my ex and our DD. It was good for her to see, she enjoyed it and it was healthy for her to see us communicate and get on well for her sake. There was never anything sexual or untoward about it, but we share a child and try to be friends as much as we can.
If DP had a problem with it I'd probably have told him he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with a stepchild. This really depends on how long you've been together/they've been split up.

crumblybiscuits · 04/03/2016 07:04

I don't think it's fine at all tbh. It's great for the kids, and them, but it's crap for you isn't it.
Surely the kids come first though? As a step-parent OP needs to understand if he feels it's benefitting his children then he should prioritise that.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/03/2016 07:07

I wouldn't like it.

Why is it great for the kids? I bet they know think mum and dad are back together - maybe they are...

Disgruntledex · 04/03/2016 07:09

How does it benefit his children though ?!
They were broken up for a whole and the routine had already been set in place as far as I'm aware they were polite and I accepted that on parents evening and first day of school etc they would come together as they are events both parents should share.
It's only the last few months that they have started doing this and yes although they do not talk regularly between contact if they do they will email for hours.

What unsettled me was that this only the last three or four months that they are having these meals out , days out extended stays at hers after drop offs etc.

OP posts:

crumblybiscuits · 04/03/2016 07:12

Why is it great for the kids?
To see their parents can join together for their sake, to have fun memories with both of their parents, teaching the kids good relationships/friendship dynamics and getting rid of the guilt of having to choose between one or the other.
I have no memories of my parents together after their split but them arguing and fighting and using me as a weapon which is why I make the effort with my DD to ensure that doesn't happen. She thinks we are friends. We're not, but she thinks we are.

crumblybiscuits · 04/03/2016 07:14

How long have you been with this guy OP?

MaybeDoctor · 04/03/2016 07:16

They are not 'playing happy families', they were a family.

If they can get on well enough to still give their children time with both parents, as is normal in family life, then they should be applauded rather than criticised.

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Helmetbymidnight · 04/03/2016 07:16

There is a massive middle ground between arguing all the time and going out as a family most weekends.

I wouldn't be interested in this relationship op, sorry. It sounds like he still wants her.

crumblybiscuits · 04/03/2016 07:20

I do agree that the relationship isn't the best, just for the different reason that the children come first in my eyes. If my DP had a problem with that I would have ended the relationship. He understands there is nothing left with my ex apart from my DD. I wouldn't be able to keep it going if he kept thinking I was going to leave him for my ex.

Disgruntledex · 04/03/2016 07:20

Helmet - that is my argument.
If it was for the childrens birthday - christmas to see santa - parents evenings or special event with clubs or something I would understand. But they went to lunch with his birthday to which he invited her - they went to the sales shopping - they have been to dinner the last few weekends and they spent the whole day together the other week.
It just seems a lot when he has only got his children every other weekend and he's seeing his ex just as much.

OP posts:

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