Trying to get my head round some things that happened when I was younger. Long sorry.

[UntilTheCowsComeHome]

I think I just need to write it down to get my head around it all but some advice/perspective from others would be helpful.

At 15 (almost 16) I had a boyfriend with an older brother. Through this brother my bf and I met an older man (34) with similar interests to us.

He seemed very nice and we went to his house a few times as he was advising my bf on a motorbike he was doing up.

After a few weeks he started turning his attention to me. I can't really think of examples but I now realise he was grooming me.

He was very persuasive and made me feel attractive and mature. Somehow I ended up sitting in his room topless as a 'bet' for which he gave me a jar full of money. My bf was there at the time so I think we just laughed along.

A few weeks later he took me home from the pub on the back of his bike and took me to an empty car park where he asked me to show him my boobs again. He filmed this on a camcorder.

I later told my bf who confronted him and made him delete the film.

For some stupid reason I didn't keep my distance and before long I was being persuaded to go to his house or garage to either 'pose' for him (he was a wannabe photographer) or let him touch me. He would always pay me afterwards.

I started having sex with him for money. I always wondered what he got out of it as I never enjoyed it and I wouldn't kiss him or touch him. I now see that that was exactly what got him off, my passivity.

Stupidly as I was from a poor family, I kept going back as I wanted/needed the money.

I finally stopped seeing him when I was 20 yo.

It hasn't bothered me until recently, but I'm now playing things over in my head and realising that I was being used and abused by him. I think I fooled myself into thinking I was the one in control of the situations.

I don't really know how to deal with the feelings this is bringing up at the moment.

Sorry that was long.

[something2say]

Shit. Yes he was grooming you and taking advantage of your young age.
So sorry.

[UntilTheCowsComeHome]

Thank you something

I don't know why it's started to bother me lately, I just feel angry at him and annoyed with myself for letting it happen and for not realising what had happened sooner.
I used to think of it as 'that silly thing I did when I was younger'

[Onlyonce]

Do not think of it as you doing something silly. This man was abusive. Can you arrange to see a counsellor? They would be able to help you process your feelings about it all.

[SpearmintLino]

Do you know where he us now? He could be prosecuted if you feel able to report him. So sorry this happened to you.

[UntilTheCowsComeHome]

I've been thinking about counselling, I've been having bouts of anxiety and depression (not just about this, it's been since my mum died) so it might be a good help.

I really don't think I could report him, I was over 16 when we had sex, I put myself in the situation and I accepted money from him.

I'd rather just forget he exists.

Why has it cropped up now? It's been 20 years, I can't understand why I couldn't see what happened before.

[WhitePhantom]

Do you have kids yourself now? That often make things take on a new perspective, throws things up that have been buried for years.

So sorry this happened to you

[chaosmonkey]

Sometimes these things crop up when you're ready to process them. I know that for me, I realised that my attitude to my abuse differed from how I would think of anyone else's. I really found counseling helpful (although it did take 3 attempts to find a counsellor that worked well with me)

[Ginkypig]

It's also likely that a combination of feeling vunrable due to your mothers death and your roughly the same age now as this person was then so your able to intellectualise at the same age which has probably made you realise the horror of it more now.

What I mean by that is now your at roughly the same age you look at children or young adults and couldn't imagine ever behaving in that way with them!

I'm sorry he took such horrible advantage of you, remember it wasn't your fault.

[UntilTheCowsComeHome]

You're right Ginkypig I have felt quite vulnerable since my mum died. I've been thinking about my childhood and reminiscing a lot and I think that could be where this is coming from.

I'm trying to remember good times but they're being blocked by memories of what happened.