Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I love my wife, but her ex-boyfriend also loves my wife too(195 Posts)
My wife separated from her ex-boyfriend about 15 years ago, but he still loves her. He has had two significant girlfriends since then, but he seems unable to marry and move on with his life. He makes it clear to my wife that she is the one for him.
My wife tells me she does not love him but has deep "caring" feelings for him. She meets him every 6 months or so to make sure he’s ok and happy. Recently she made a dinner for him at his home.
I've let my wife know I feel uncomfortable with the situation, but I don’t try to prevent them contacting each other because i believe it won’t work. At least now my wife tells me what’s happening and it’s all above board. Often I feel insecure that they will eventually end up together.
Anybody know what I should do? He’s got a new girlfriend now who wants kids with him. Imagine how she's going to feel when she finds out he prefers my wife!
I have 3 young kids with my wife.
What do you want to do?
Do you trust your wife that it is just friendship?
I'd not be happy with your wife's actions.
It's not a wonder he can't move on if they see each other every 6 months. She cooks for him at his house?? Nope, not a chance I'd be putting up with that shite.
She needs to disentangle herself from him.
I think she gets a nice ego boost from him twice a year which is why she keeps him dangling.
It's not fair on him or on you.
You can't 'make' anyone do anything but I'd be telling her I don't like it, it's not normal and I want her to cut contact so he can move on and you won't feel so insecure about your relationship.
It's NOT OK!
your wife is not really allowing her ex to move on is she. She may think shes being kind, but a clean break is needed, and also they are both being really fucking disrespectful to you.
I think your wife probably quite enjoys having her ex fawning over her and having the top-spot in his heart, whilst also keeping you insecure too.
If my partner was meeting up with his ex that had made it perfectly clear she wanted him back, I would not be ok with it at all
Dinner at his house is not on and I certainly wouldn't be happy with that, but a meeting every 6 months - presuming it's something like a quick coffee in the middle of the day somewhere public - seems OK.
They split up 15 years ago. 15. That's a hell of a long time. If she wanted to get back with him it sounds as if she could - in a heartbeat. Presumably she doesn't because she loves you very much, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care for other people she's known.
She doesn't want him but she likes the thought he wants her. So she sees him just often enough to keep him keen.
Not very nice really.
I wouldn't be happy with this.
How's the poor bloke ever going to move on?
A good friend of mine (female) has an ex boyfriend who is very open about the fact he still loves her.
My friend is married & has two young DCs. She is late 30's now and split with this ex at 21 after 6 years together.
The ex is now married too - has been for about 6 years I think, but still makes it clear to my friend that she "only has to say the word" whenever they bump into each other. There are no arranged meetings, not even as friends, but they are still "friends" on FB.
My friend told me a couple of weeks ago that her DH had asked her to block the ex from FB messenger as he had started messaging more often - mainly over Christmas & New Year - not saying anything explicit or out of order, but her DH was still uncomfortable with it. She blocked him happily as she loves her DH & was perfectly happy to reassure him in that way.
Personally, I feel a little sorry for the ex's wife. He is very free with his PDA's towards his wife on FB, always posting how amazing she is etc. etc. - but all the time making it clear to my friend he would drop his wife like a shot .
I think your wife is doing her ex a disservice by continuing to meet him. He has (hopefully, presumably) unrequited feelings for her, and she should really cut contact to allow him to move on with his life.
As Branleuse said I don't think your wife is helping the ex to move on. By being involved with him he must think there is still hope. I would not be ok with this if I were you.
Your wife isn't allowing him to move on by checking his OK every 6 months and cooking him dinner, this gives him hope. I also think she is not respectful to your marriage to be saying she has strong caring feelings for an ex she broke up with 15 years ago.
The only question here is do you trust your wife? If you do then I don't think you have anything to worry about, there must be a reason his an ex and she married you
discuss it very openly with your wife that you feel it's very hard for you to face this and that she needs to let him go so he could actually move on with his life. I am not saying it's your wife's fault that he is hanging on to her still. But it's obvious at least a little blame goes to her shoulder and she should rectify that by cutting him off now and focusing on her own family and husband's well being essentially. Hope it all gets sorted.
I was with my ex for 6 years, we split up 17 years ago. He still had love feelings for me at least 10 years ago but I knew that had to stop so I broke all contact as it was completely unfair to him. He has since married someone else and they're very happy together and have s son. We are now fb friends and so we see each other but don't 'speak' as such.
You're wife is flattered so drags him along, she's being unfair and needs to stop. She doesn't need to be rude, but she needs to stop contact.
If they meet every six months he's probably counting down the weeks between visits! Perhaps if he's vulnerable, she could call him on the phone every six months, but essentially he's getting to go on a date with her twice a year, and it's not going to help him move on!
Recently she made a dinner for him at his home
You have to be kidding, right?
Why on earth did you put up with that?
I'm sorry, but I think you're being a doormat.
If my DH was meeting an Ex a few times a year, and went to her home for dinner, he would be OUT OF THE DOOR.
You do realise they will still be sleeping together, right? Or do you think they played Scrabble after their intimate dinner?
Your wife is clearly flattered and is doing nothing to shut down these conversations about his feelings. She's encouraging it. Going to his house would be a deal breaker for me.
You seem to be reluctant to assert yourself and seem relieved that your wife is now being open about it. Whether it's hidden or in plain sight this is still deeply inappropriate.
I'd urge you to rethink the romantic spin she's putting on this . You said that he still loves her and he won't move on. The fact is he HAS moved on. He's had TWO significant girlfriends (probably plenty of casual relationships also) and is now in a relationship where there is talk of children. He has NOT been sitting around crying for years about her and refusing to see other women. Your wife's belief that he won't move on and loves her is utterly ridiculous and egotistical.
You both seem to view this man as a lovestruck pitiful sap who's deeply in love with your wife. Stop enabling this stupid fantasy of hers. He's obviously quite happy with his partner. Who actually instigates the majority of contact ? Whose suggestion was it that she went to his house ?
Honestly? Even if there is nothing going on between them your wife is doing this guy no favours at all. he's wasted 15 years of his life on pining after her. they need to cease contact completely in order for him to move on and be happy. if your wife really cared about him like she says she does she would have done it years ago
I ceased all contact with my ex boyfriend for similar reasons- we werent happy together but werent allowing each other to move on by still being in each others lives.
I think she enjoys the attention and power, tbh.
I'd also worry about her going to his house.
THere was a thread on here a few months ago from someone who regularly met up with her DH's ex and her husband - they'd have lots of banter together, go to the bar together etc., making the OP of that thread feel rather left out - anyway, turned out they'd been having an affair for some time. NOT saying that's what's going on here, but it is a possibility.
I'd ask her nicely to break contact with him, as it won't be doing him any favours either.
He absolutely HASN'T wasted fifteen years of his life pining over this woman. He's had two significant girlfriends and it sounds like he's in a serious relationship now.
Op this is the problem with the picture your wife has painted of this man. Look at some of the phrases used on this thread. Pining , vulnerable , wasting his life , poor man. Indeed. Poor lamb who's meeting up with his ex behind his partners back. People feel sorry for him.
If you left out the romantic part you probably would have been told they probably fucked at his house that night , that he's an intruder into your marriage , and at the very least this has been a long term emotional affair that you have enabled and supported.
Stop viewing him as some poor underdog. Challenge your wife's ridiculous ideas that he hasn't moved on. Treat him like the threat to your marriage he is and stop feeling sorry for him. I really don't think he's pining for your wife when he's with his partner.
I also think making dinner for him at his house is a little too cosy. They play house for an evening?
I dont think she is torn between the two of you but id say she likesbeing the object of his affections. He would move on quicker without the 'playing house' sessions.
Have you suggested that you go with her on these "touch base" sessions? If they are just friends, she shouldn't mind. Her reaction may be telling.
But yes, she has crossed a boundary and is being disrespectful to you/your relationship. "Deep caring feelings" does not equal love for him, but I suppose her deep caring feelings for you does equal love? That's some stinky bs lip service she's feeding you.
Are you certain that they only connect every six months? With social media, they may be in much more frequent contact than you are aware.
Imho, I think you should find out the extent of their contact. That would determine the course.
She's got both of you right where she wants you. Dangling the proverbial carrot in front of his nose. And pushing your boundaries. It's disrespectful behaviour. But it clearly suits her. Don't try to be the "cool" husband.
Sounds like she's loving all the "love"! Seriously she is being disrespectful to you and your marriage. If he could have your wife he would without a second thought to you and your children. He needs to go.
Join the discussion
Please login first.