I'm not good enough for him

[VeronicaDinner]

So the story is that I met a new man after ending a very bad relationship at the end of last year. The new man has been absolutely wonderful. He has been kind, patient, generous, interested in me... And all I have done is push him away.

My last boyfriend thought I was emotionally manipulative and clingy. I've never been told anything like that before in previous relationships. He was unable to commit and didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I tried so hard to fight to keep him that I am mentally exhausted. I feel like I tore myself apart trying to find out what was wrong with me so that I could be with him. We broke up, but not without him ripping me to shreds over my defective personality.

Anyway, unexpectedly, new man comes along. He has been perfect. But I was too terrified to care about him. He said that I had irritated him once in a small disagreement and I fled. I said that I couldn't be with him. I said I wasn't robust enough for a relationship.

Now I am flipping depressed as anything. I feel useless. I feel like he's better off without someone as unstable as me.

He's offered for me to think about it for a few days. I really miss him, but I am totally convinced that he should find someone else.

Am I doing the right thing? I just don't know anymore.

[hellsbellsmelons]

So the end of last year you finished an abusive relationship and now 2 months on you have a new fella on the scene?
Is that correct?
If that is right then you have totally done the right thing.
You will NOT be ready for another relationship yet.
You will need to rebuild yourself from the crap you put up with in your last relationship.

Please do contact Womens Aid if you haven't already. Enrol on their Freedom Programme. This will help you start to heal from the abusive previous relationship and help you with all future relationships, your self esteem, boundaries and many other things beside. Attend the course in person then take things from there.

[VeronicaDinner]

He wasn't abusive. More totally self-centred and unable to deal with the compromise involved in being in a relationship. It was only in the last two months that he became unpleasant, which I think was him emotionally detaching himself from me. But yeah, this did a lot of damage to my feelings about myself because he put all the blame for everything that had gone wrong in the relationship onto me.

[Summerlovinf]

Your concern is what's right for you at the moment. If you're not feeing up to having a relationship at the moment then enjoy being single for a while. You feeling like you're not good enough for someone is not a strong basis for a balanced relationship. The PP's advice is solid - do the Freedom Programme and work on your self esteem.

[VeronicaDinner]

I agree that it is not a good foundation for a relationship.

This new man was someone I really clicked with. I felt truly happy when I was with him for the first time in, well, as long as I can remember. But the anxiety I have is crippling. I feel like I am the most boring and annoying person in the world.

[CauliflowerBalti]

I can really identify with this. My ex ripped me to shreds. My new partner is somehow putting the pieces back together.

I nearly fucked it up with him loads of times. Like you, I run away before I can be rejected. Which is what you have done here. Hurt him so he can't hurt you. It's a very difficult habit to break.

I know I need counselling. Probs shouldn't be in this relationship. My self-esteem is zero. I can't think why he is with me. Like you - I'm boring and annoying. Nothing to me.

The only reason things are working as well as they are is because I have been honest with him. Brutally. I've explained how I feel about myself and how my head works. My partner understands. And I try not to let my chimp take the reins too often. And he cuts me slack when she does.

You could talk to him. Properly. See where that takes you.

[VeronicaDinner]

CauliflowerBalti, how long have you been with the new man? He sounds lovely.

I did talk to him about it. I explained that my ex had made me feel so shit about myself. I feel like there is nothing special about me at all.

New man said all the right things. He said he wanted to work with me to get through it and he thought I was great and he wanted to fight for me... It just made me think he must be blind or living in a fantasy world.

The thing is that I am so incredibly unhappy now that I have ended it. I didn't even mean to end up getting into a relationship, but I felt so connected to him. I think he's amazing.

But I'm the problem.

[Summerlovinf]

Don't worry though...it's not like a one time only offer that you've missed. You'll meet another man when you are ready.

[CauliflowerBalti]

Almost 10 months. Not bad going. There was a period where I'd pick fights and be certain he'd leave - THUS PROVING ME RIGHT! - but he never did. And now I've stopped being such a dick, and started believing he loves me.

Your man sounds lovely. You sound lovely too. And damaged. I can't tell you to seek counselling as my friends told me that and I never went. Never will. The idea freaks me out.

The other posters are right. He isn't the only one. This man. But he sounds like he's worth fighting for. Give him a chance. Properly. Accept your feelings about yourself. And also accept that they are wrong. Give yourself a chance too.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Ask him to give you a bit of time and contact Womens Aid.
Do that course and get your self esteen back up.
If your Ex has made you feel this bad he most certainly WAS an abuser.
Sorry to say it but he was.

[VeronicaDinner]

I can totally relate; I won't go to counselling either. I've been in the past and found it too weird and invasive.

If I am honest, I want to give him a chance. He's really interesting. And he's grounded too. I feel like he could be good for me if I let him. He's patient with me. He tells me off for being hateful of myself, even when I try to hide it as a joke.

But on the other hand, I have nothing to offer him. I used to be a confident person. I feel like I need to build that back up without any help. But also, this pushing him away feels destructive and like I'm acknowledging that I'm no good.

Agh don't know what to do!

[Summerlovinf]

He said that I had irritated him...
He tells me off...
I have nothing to offer him
I'm no good
I'm not good enough for him

These statements are not indicative of someone who is in a good position for starting to negotiate healthy roles and behaviours in a new relationship.

Try CBT - it's more down to earth than many types of therapy...or the Freedom Programme, that others have suggested

[VeronicaDinner]

Ex was definitely very cruel at the end. I don't think knowingly. Out of self-preservation. He didn't want to accept blame. He's got a lot of problems.

I just can't unpick his trashing of me with my real self anymore.

[VeronicaDinner]

No, I know that my overwhelming negativity is indicative of an unhealthy mind.

I suppose what I am thinking is that trusting someone else and believing that good things might happen to me (by giving him a chance) could help me to feel better about myself.

[ohforfoxsake]

Thank you for starting this thread.

I can completely relate to what you have said, and what others have shared. I feel very much the same and like you, didn't intend to fall into a relationship so soon after. But to my mind my marriage had been over for years before we actually split. I'm only just seeing that I have been hurt and damaged by XH. New man and I have such little time together thanks to XH not having the children, and XHs cruel words creep into my head when we are together. I just don't see what's in it for new man.

There is some comfort in knowing I'm not alone though. Today has been awful.

[VeronicaDinner]

ohforfoxsake, sorry to hear that you can relate to this. I don't know what your ex has said to you, but I know how the things they say stay in your mind. It's like a horrid shadow over everything because you can't truly trust that those things are not true.

You definitely aren't alone. I'm glad to hear that you have given your new one a chance and that it is working out.

I'm sat by myself going over and over and over this in my head...

[tipsytrifle]

Only you can make you feel better/good about your real self. Obsessive over-thinking about inadequacy and failure is your flatlined self-esteem talking shit by way of that inner voice we all have. You would do well to try and tame that a bit before making new connections. Aside from anything else it's a beacon to emotional predators.

I think the last thing you need atm is a relationship, no matter how cool a guy he is. Dependency on another is never a good growth point. Just my opinion

[goddessofsmallthings]

he put all the blame for everything that had gone wrong in the relationship onto me

You do know that it takes two to tango, don't you, OP?

You're no more obliged to accept the blame 'for everything that had gone' wrong than he his, and anyone who tries shift all responsibility for an unsatisfactory relationship onto the other party is a fuckwit who doesn't know their emotional arse from their insensitve elbow.

[VeronicaDinner]

I agree on both counts. I obviously need time to build up my self esteem. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel upset by a very minor moment of conflict.

I understand about accepting guilt. Ex was a lawyer. He was particularly talented at forcing an issue. He had no mercy either. But even so, I should let it go now.

[VeronicaDinner]

I think new guy is off the cards anyway. He's ignored a few messages today. Just asking how he was. I was thinking about maybe asking him to give me some time. But I guess I got him wrong.

Never mind

[honeyroar]

I was in your shoes a decade or so ago. I got hurt at the end of a serious relationship and put walls up, convinced I'd get hurt again and looking for negativity in relationships I started. In the end I realised that I needed to spend some time on my own licking some wounds until I felt better. I concentrated on myself, made new friends, got a horse and started enjoying myself. I then met my husband.

I can't think of what context someone who is relatively new in your life would tell you that you're irritating. He might not have been as good as you thought..

[Getit]

I can relate to what you feel
Its horrendous to live with
I try to take a day at a time
I have many barriers up and if the slightest thing happens I think he doesn't love me
I don't believe I will trust a man again

[VeronicaDinner]

I'm definitely not going to trust another one after the way I have been frozen out this evening.

I feel really stupid for considering giving him a chance.

[lavenderhoney]

He's thinking about it, just like you. Just because you're ready to talk doesn't mean he is.

Why don't you say " look, I've been a bit emotional, still think you're great and would you like to go for dinner next week?"

Then arrange it and don't text etc. Give both of you a break. If he texts you that's lovely but if not that's ok because you're busy. busy can mean watching tv and thinking about doing your nails btw.

[VeronicaDinner]

No, he called me really late and gave me some nonsense about how busy he had been. I'm not a lawyer myself, but I do a job where I have to work out if people are telling the truth. What he was saying just didn't add up.

Ah well! I'm sure he's still a great guy. But I have no respect for people who twist the facts.

[ohforfoxsake]

Do you think you are looking for an excuse to get out of it?

Do we look to them to try harder and if they don't we think they aren't interested? I'm wondering if our perception is skewed so we jump on the chance to sabotage things.

I have a good friend who talks me out of running away from new man. She recognises self-sabotage. XH has really done a job on me. A year on since we've split up and I am only just realising it. I for think I should be in a relationship for many good reasons. That I'm still dealing with my XH and the fall out from that, that I need to work on myself. But I am and I don't want to stop seeing this man because I like him a lot. But I know I probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

I wish I had something wise to say to make a difference to you but I have a sneaky feeling the answer is in time and self-love.