definitive ducks in a row checklist

[rememberthetime]

Name changed for this.
The phrase get your ducks in a row is so often used but I struggle with what it means. What should I do first?
I know all situations are different but in my case there is no violence but I do feel anxious. My husband is controlling and despite him seeking help I still cannot Trust him. I am not prepared to wait any longer. That said I have to accept I have no independent money at the moment.
What small steps can u take daily that elk take me forward to my own home with my teenage children.
I tried telling him I was leaving and he talked me out of it. But i still want to go.
Is there a ducks in a row protocol?

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[rememberthetime]

Ooops sorry about the cut and paste fail. My phone has a mind of its own. ..

[HoppingForward]

What is your home situation? Owned, mortgage, rented, joint names on documents?

[HoppingForward]

And how old are the DC, are they his children?

[rememberthetime]

Yep his kids. Mortgage with around 80k in equity. The kids are mid to late teens. I don't want the house but would like my share of the equity obviously.
My hope is that I can move out to my own rented place with the kids if they want to come. I do work but self employed and my income varies. I can't save money without him knowing.
I do earn enough to cover rent and keepingmyself but doubt I could continue to cover mortgage too.
How do I prepare when he is making it impossible and I fear his reactions. I just need to get brave.

[HoppingForward]

You can get your own bank account and start putting a little bit away where you can, cash back on shopping. Take cash out to pay for shopping and put some aside.

Do you know where your essential documents are, have access to online banking?

Visit local estate agents and see what's available and what is needed deposit wise, don't give them any contact details.

Do the online calculator to see what benefits you are entitled to.

You need to gather together financial documents, birth certificates, marriage certificates. Get copies made and put the originals back.

Do you have a rel life friend you can trust to keep hold of the copies for you so he doesn't find them in the house?

Speak to a solicitor, see if you can get legal aid.

I called safer places and they have been great with helpful support 0845 0177668

[rememberthetime]

Really helpful Thank you. The bank account is in place. It's a start. I might visit the estate agents this week to find out about my situation as a possible tenant. I know my income variability might affect that. I have access to all documents. It is more a case of me feeling frightened to do anything that he might find out about than not physically being able to do it. If that makes sense. That's what you call doing a number. ...I have had several numbers done on me to a point I no longer function for my own needs but just do what I know he thinks is ok.
Having small goals gives me back my control.
Thank you

[HoppingForward]

I understand what you mean.

you are getting your ducks in a row already, make that plan, do those little steps, don't let on at all and get yourself all set.

The number above was a god send for me, they really helped tick the boxes especially for things I hadn't even thought about.

Good luck and keep posting.

[Namechanger2015]

Fidelity that list is spot on. I would recommend taking 6 months or a years worth of docs if you can.

Also any rental properties - tenancy agreement s and so on?

[rememberthetime]

Wow. That's a lot to think about. Someone needs to write a book that details all of these things. To many women just run and miss all of the important stuff they shoukd think about.

I am not in any danger and an playing the long game to build up money if I can. 2000 pounds is hard to save when you aretdoing it in secret.

I would certainly feel that is ok to take some money when I go. But the mortgage is half in my name. I can't risk that not being paid. I need to choose my time to coincide with when we have plenty in the bank.

Reading this makes it scary. Even more so.

[Mamaka]

Glad you posted this. I'll be following and taking notes. Good luck!

[Allalonenow]

Depending on just how controlling he is, you could save money by moving down a grade in any brands you buy, using vegetables lentils pulses etc to make your meals stretch a bit more, don't waste any food make a lot of soup! have at least one vegetarian meal a week. Move the money you have saved into your own account.

Save a small amount in cash each day/week, even a small amount adds up quickly.

Use loyalty cards where possible, save the points to help you through your early days on your own.

[myheadisamess]

Also glad you posted this. I've discovered that things can turn very sour indeed despite proclamations of wanting to keep things bloody amicable.

[MaybeDoctor]

Ebay could really help you out here.

Even if you sell items for 99p, it adds up very quickly.