Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How long to get over love affair?

(31 Posts)
Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 01:00:26

It lasted a week. Nothing physical / sexual happened. The situation is ridiculous - how can I be destroyed by such a non event?

To make things worse, I got terribly drunk the other night and kept ringing him (he wouldn't answer) and he's furious.

I ended the relationship today. There was no future in it. We are both (unhappily) attached to other people who are unaware of how they have been betrayed.

I've known him for ages and never expected this to happen.

Over the course of this laughably short "love affair" all we did was exchange explicit texts

The whole think is absurd. But I'm in bits. He told me he loved me, which is silly in itself.

Just needed to get this out as there is no one I can talk to IRL.

Millliii Tue 01-Mar-16 02:11:31

Rejection? He has rejected you and your self esteem and self worth has taken a nosedive in a big way.

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 04:32:30

You're absolutely right. Rejection is always painful.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 01-Mar-16 04:58:29

You can only be "destroyed by such a non event" if you allow yourself to be and surely you're made of more stronger stuff than to be brought to your knees by a verbal dalliance of such short duration?

Why not heave a sigh of relief that this 'rejection' has forestalled you having to explain your infidelity to the party you are so 'unhappily' attached to and look to either resolve or end that relationship before you make a fool of yourself again with another unhappily attached man?

Fwiw, when you're tempted by the bottle give your phone to a friend for safekeeping before you hit it otherwise you may find yourself facing a charge of harassment.

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 05:07:43

Yes, I did make a fool of myself. Obviously, I feel terrible for my selfishness and stupidity.

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 05:08:50

God, it didn't even occur to me that I would get into legal trouble. I really have been very, very stupid.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 01-Mar-16 05:17:28

Obsession Unhappiness and the demon drink are not good bedfellows, Lost.

Look to resolve the cause of your unhappiness otherwise there'll be no end to the number of garden paths you'll trip down in the hope of finding relief from the misery of a life half lived.

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 05:23:52

Goddess - thank you.

Drink was a problem I thought I'd got over - obviously not.

I made such a prat of myself - I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that. Bon the other hand, at least it ended this stupid "relationship" that never was.

It was the single worse thing I have ever done through drink and believe me, I have done many awful things.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 01-Mar-16 05:29:24

Don't beat yourself up for making a prat of yourself and give yourself a medal for repetitive dialling being the worse thing you've ever done when in your cups. smile

Now, while we're here, what's the score with the party you're unhappily attached to which is the root cause of you acting out as if you were a teenager?

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 05:37:36

Thanks Goddess - basically, my partner no longer wants to have sex with me. It's been over a year.

He and I need to communicate better, really. We barely talk about anything. The sex thing needs to be sorted out, but I don't really know what to do about that.

If things don't get better, we will have to separate which would be really sad.

I think other guy made me feel attractive in a way I had felt for years. Unfortunately, I have blown things way out of proportion.

One of the other issues is that I have bipolar type two and was most certainly in a manic episode and the drink just made it worse.

Kr1stina Tue 01-Mar-16 06:02:20

I suggest you stop telling yourself it was a " love affair " .

It wasn't. It was a manic episode in which you did some stupid sexting and drank too much .

So delete his number from everywhere , cut out the booze, take your meds and resolve not to be so stupid in future . You are beating yourself up and making this into a big deal when it's not .

As others have said, put your energy into working out what's going on with you and your partner and see it it can be fixed of it you want to leave . It's sounds pretty crap and not wonder you are unhappy

Post about it here and people will help you.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 01-Mar-16 06:07:22

Bipolar notwithstanding, the chances are that similar situations will arise if you don't resolve the issues in your relationship.

Use some of the chutzpah you exhibited when texting Mr Non-Event to talk to your partner and make it clear that, if he doesn't want to resume having sex with you, you're not willing to live a celibate life alongside him.

It's far better to accept that a relationship has run its course and part as friends than carry on flogging a dead horse an risk an acrimonius ending.

Do it soon - life's too short to waste time on a partner who's less than willing to fully participate in a relationship.

Jollyphonics Tue 01-Mar-16 06:12:36

OP I sympathise. I posted a few days ago about being brushed off by someone I'd known for a few weeks, very early stages but very intense, lots of texts etc. I slept with him once, all great, then got the silent treatment ever since. It's only been 4 days since it happened, so it's still pretty raw.

But I've been totally stunned by how upset I am about the rejection. It's completely out of proportion, given that I barely know him, and his role in my life as a whole is negligible.

I'm hoping that I'll be over it in a week or so, because if I'm not I'll end up weighing about 3 stone! I'm so stressed by it all, still jumping every time a text comes through on my phone, I can't eat at all. Madness!

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you you're not alone.

TheNaze73 Tue 01-Mar-16 08:11:44

Has your partner picked up on all this? Will you tell him etc? I'm pleased you ended it, the rejection of the calls must have been hard to deal with & it all sounds like a classic case of wanting what you can't have. I think a good move would be to address the short comings in your existing relationship, it all was good there you wouldn't have even looked. If it isn't right, maybe it's time to end it?

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 09:04:59

Thanks, all. You've all really helped. You're right - it was not a love affair, just plain stupidity,

Drink and bipolar don't mix. I used to drink far more than I do now but have cut down a lot. I didn't mean to get so wasted the other night but I did and regret it deeply.

I need to work on my relationship and stop looking for attention / approval elsewhere. I'm with a good man and he is great about the bipolar.

This is the worst manic episode I can remember having. All the signs were there - euphoria, feeling over sexed, risk taking, feeling incredibly attractive, being deluded and so on. It's only when you come out of it that you realise that you were ill.

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 09:05:46

Jolly - I'm sorry this happened to you. It's painful and humiliating. thanks

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 09:11:55

Naze - yes, I think DP suspects something has been going on. I think I need to tell him that I did something very stupid and that I am sorry.

I will tell him the truth - that I flirted and sexed with another man whilst manic. I think he'll understand - I won't imply that it happened because of our non existent sex life, but I will say that I've been unhappy

The mania isn't an excuse - what I did was wrong and I knew it. But it did affect my impulses and judgment.

He knows that I get flirty when manic.

Millliii Tue 01-Mar-16 12:16:46

Can I ask why he doesn't want sex with you?

TheNaze73 Tue 01-Mar-16 12:36:27

I was going to ask the same question Milliiii Sex & money are the two big causes of relationship breakdowns. I'm not surprised you were looking elsewhere as your relationship is obviously unfulfilled. Not saying it's right by any stretch but, I bet you wouldn't have looked if you were happy with that key aspect of a relationship??

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 12:54:26

Mill - he didn't say sad when I asked him, he just said he didn't like sex. That wasn't the case in previous times.

It's killing me.

TheNaze73 Tue 01-Mar-16 13:48:23

Do you think there is anything deep rooted there? The lack of communication could be his reason for withholding sex & closeness that insues with it

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 14:37:33

TheNaze - think one makes the other worse...

TheNaze73 Tue 01-Mar-16 15:13:15

I'm sad to say that I totally agree with you Lostsorrow It just needs one of you to break the cycle as I think if you fix one, you'll fix the other. Can't speak for women but, as a bloke I certainly feel more like it, when emotionally things are going well & we're in tune with things. Good luck.

BlondieLoxie Tue 01-Mar-16 15:32:53

I've been cheated on and shamefully, been an ow. I thought I was in love and he loved me.. told me he never slept with his wife (the usual script). Until he left his phone unlocked and I basically heard him and his wife at it! Boy did I feel foolish, hurt and in shock. Made me assess why I allowed myself to be suckered in by such a man, why I CHOSE to go against my moral judgement and proved just how far someone will go to get what they want.

Don't let yourself be used by this man. It's not love and is certainly not worth the heart ache.

Lostsorrow Tue 01-Mar-16 17:40:59

Blond - I'm so sorry this has happened to you too.

The shitbag have me all the lines about his wife not sleeping with him, how she preferred women and so on. It's sickening.

The bastard has just stabbed me in the back so I've blocked him from FB etc.

I'm am a very stupid, selfish person. At least this gives me the impetus to work on my marriage and I am certainly going to do that.

If the marriage is beyond rescuing, then I will have to think again. One thing for sure, things can't go on as they are.

Thanks again for all the advice - it has been incredibly helpful.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now