Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you know if you are hypersensitive to criticism or being treated badly?

(15 Posts)
whatisforteamum Mon 29-Feb-16 19:59:51

Last year i left an 11 yr job for a new one.I had listened to so much crap and been told how old i was for 2 yrs it was a relief to find people who were fun and respectful.
6 months on and im getting spoken to rudely by someone half my age.The rudeness isnt just to me but to another young person too.Constant criticism.I usually ignore blatant rudeness and rise above it however being ill with sore throat has lowered my tolerance.I couldnt really talk sunday and still went in as someone was on leave.
This got me wondering is everyone constantly criticised by colleagues,parents or spouses or do i just take it more personally?I am quite assertive so im not sure why i feel in the wrong all the time and its sapping my confidence.

Chocolatteaddict1 Mon 29-Feb-16 20:01:28

Can you give an example ?

Walkacrossthesand Mon 29-Feb-16 20:02:32

How do you show your assertiveness?

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 29-Feb-16 20:09:52

Watching with interest.

I tend to think that put-downs, sarcasm, fault-finding and blame-shifting are rude and hurtful: often disguised as "banter", but a lot closer to bullying, as that are all about trying to assert superiority over another person.

But then I'll wonder if I'm just hyper-sensitive too.

The best way I can come to terms with it is to separate the person from the behaviour, and give myself the right to think that that behaviour doesn't work for me.

Chocolatteaddict1 Mon 29-Feb-16 20:33:43

I don't like 'banter' if it's actually taking the piss out of some one. People hid behind 'banter' when really they are just being a dick head.

Adlers1986 Mon 29-Feb-16 20:56:05

As someone who is sarcastic with close friends I would say it's not acceptable. You might not like the people you work with, but there is no reason to be anything but decent because I've personally found you only gain respect from it. As I said, I can be very sarcastic but I know that it is not appropriate in certain environments, or for certain people. You have to know someone well to be able to judge whether or not what you are saying is "banter".

whatisforteamum Mon 29-Feb-16 21:04:43

I work in a kitchen...so an enviroment known for banter especially when its mostly men. My old place was taken over the last 2 yrs i worked there and i was referred to as old or crazy (im 49).
My new head chef was lovely until recently he wants to revert back to his high class menus which is lovely however the rest of us are not rossette trained so things are being put on that we neither been shown or havent done yet.He is particularly friends with the 24 yr old front of house guy and told him to keep an eye on us(me and other 2 men) while he is on leave.
The guy on mains sent a dish that needed redoing so asked me for an onion when it shouldve been a shallot for the fresh bhajis. the 24 yr old said i should ve known that !! I shouldnt they are on mains and im starters and desserts.
Last week i asked himfor the wine glasses for blood orange possets.he said i couldnt have them.20 mins later he gave me some and the rest i put in a tub.The head chef returns and says posset will split if heated to use and i point out x wouldnt let me have any glasses,
Such a head F * when i have teens to organise and v ill Dad.
i am assertive and have been accused of cracking the whip as im quite bossy,However i would help anyone who is struggling.
Sometimes i feel bullied by people who i cant answer back.

whatisforteamum Mon 29-Feb-16 21:12:12

I dont want to be unemployed just fed up of it.I did say at a meeting we should be a team smile.My parents still tell me what i cook for tea is wrong or the budget shops we buy from too so quite alot to suck up or does everyone get this all the time too ?

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 29-Feb-16 21:34:21

So the young guy is a poor manager: he doesn't give you the right information or tools, and then when it goes wrong, blames you (as a way of avoiding blaming himself).

Your parents are being difficult and negative, probably also as a reaction to feeling they are losing their strength and capacity, and so making you feel bad makes them feel briefly more strong an powerful again.

Neither behaviour is good or respectful. Young manager and parents are being crap to you, out of their own weakness and confusion.

Doesn't make it all right. But you DON'T need to carry the burden of guilt they are trying to hand you.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Mon 29-Feb-16 21:36:10

Yes, lots of people use their 'authority' to tell you what you ought to be doing, and respond really badly to being told they are wrong...however they also very often won't take responsibility for the consequences of their dictats.
If you can regift them the consequences before you actually act they often retract what they said.
You shop at the wrong supermarket.. So will you pay the difference if I shop at waitrose?
You can have that equipment in 20 mins, ...fine...be it on your head if it ruins..

A matched an non aggressive response...?

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 29-Feb-16 21:40:34

You can't stop them. But you can try to set limits.

Eg with the younger manager: "I have not cooked this dish before and I need complete instructions in order to do it as you want it. I want it to be right too, but I can't know some ting I've never done and never been taught. Can we run through the new instructions together on (date)?"

With your parents: "This is the way I cook (dish), with the supplies I'm able to buy. I'm sorry you don't like it, but I am hurt by your criticism since I am doing what I can to the best of my ability. "

You may also choose to limit the time you spend cooking for people who don't appreciate your effort.

whatisforteamum Mon 29-Feb-16 21:58:20

Thank you for replying i agree the head chef shouldve gone through all items on new menu and a cook off as previously shown at xmas lack of communication while still wanting dishes presented in certain way .Then front of house guy keeping saying he is in charge...i did point out the chef wanted me to use certain glasses and repeated this in front of him when head chef moaned on why was some in a container.
Dad has been snobby for years but verging on dreadful since his cancer is terminal...not everything has to be bought from m and s or the local award winning butchers ! I shop in primark and poundland sometimes so bloody what.
my parents wont come around.I dont socialise as im time poor however i feel drained by some peoples negativity and behaviour.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 29-Feb-16 22:34:16

You should definitely spend less time around people who make you feel drained.

And when you can't avoid them, remember that their behaviour is THEIR issue - not yours to fix or feel guilty about.

Easier said than done I know.

whatisforteamum Mon 29-Feb-16 22:59:24

thank you i feel much better now smile what if its me though thats why i feel in the wrong so much ? Being useless......my dcs are hardworking and polite and i am quite organised and a bit of a workaholic.I may need a job with people my own age perhaps.

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 01-Mar-16 06:29:27

I doubt you are in the wrong. But people who need to throw their weight around in order to feel better about themselves will zoom in on people like you who are all too willing to think that they may be at fault. And you're more likely to take their (unjustified) fault-finding to heart, and feel bad about it.

It sounds like a good exercise for you would be to think of it as "their problem" when somebody criticizes you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now