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Together 8yrs and left 12 weeks in

10 replies

Adlers1986 · 29/02/2016 17:36

Hi. I would really appreciate some help with a tough subject. My ex girlfriend has just broken up with me following our 12 week scan because she says she doesn't love me anymore. Briefly on the relationship, I'm not perfect, neither is she but we've always loved and cared for one another. Suddenly she said this and the same day she was arranging to meet up with a guy from work for a date and stayed over with him which happened 4 days later on my birthday.
The decision to try for a baby was hers and so I in no way forced that, she is talking about wanting independence and all I can think of is how much I want us to be a family, which is what I believed after 8 years and just moved in to our first 'owned' house was always going to be the case.
There are comments in places about hormones and she'll be back, but I can't help but feel that's a stereotypical bloke thing to say and ia basically just denial so I don't want to take notice of that without someone who really knows.
What I need to know how best to support her if she is gone for good. Do I contact her to make sure she's okay. Do I leave her completely alone and just hope she keeps me up to date on scan dates and midwive s appointments? Any advice would be invaluable because I need to throw myself in to fatherhood if I have to accept life without her. And I don't want to do the wrong things and anger her.
We broke up on okay terms in so much as I'm heartbroken but she's moved on. No majorly bad argument or threats.
I'd also appreciate advice on her unwillingness to attend antenatal classes. This is both our first child and she is the youngest in her family and never really cared for a baby. I want to be educated but I know the last thing I can do right now is say things that involve me disagreeing with her.
All advice appreciated. The relationship is for me to get over, but the baby needs us both to be good so all advice will be so unbelievably appreciated.

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magoria · 29/02/2016 17:43

This may sound harsh.

Are you sure it is your child and not this other man's who appeared the day she left you? That she has got close so fast suggests an overlap. Perhaps you should consider a DNA test after the child is born for your own peace of mind.

You can't do anything to get her back. The best thing is to treat it as over, deal with the heart ache and start to heal. If she comes back it is a bonus or you will have moved on and not want her back.

You can't do anything to make her attend classes. All you can do is make sure you are prepared and when it is right for the child to spend time with you then you will have some clue as to what you are doing.

Good luck.

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Adlers1986 · 29/02/2016 17:49

Thank you. My apologies my comment about classes came out poorly. I want to know what everyone's view is of how essential they are for first time parents. I also understand they can be useful for meeting people you can talk to after birth. Particularly for the mother. Just want to know whether it is worth pursuing or they actually don't matter.
On the child point, I understand your reaction, but she's sworn nothing happened before. There was clearly contact and discussions, but never anything sexual. She basically fell within a day or two of having the implant removed.

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AnneElliott · 29/02/2016 17:51

Op I do feel for you. However I would disagree that classes are necessary. I didn't bother going for my DS

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Adlers1986 · 29/02/2016 17:56

Thank you for feedback. I'm not sure how much they help so appreciate the guidance.

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Bree85 · 29/02/2016 18:05

Maybe the best thing for now is let her be. This is her decision. If she comes back, then it would be your decisions to make too.

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Adlers1986 · 29/02/2016 18:09

Thanks Bree.

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BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 29/02/2016 18:31

I'm so sorry, but I don't think it's your baby. She will want to be with the father. And I'm not sure many men (like her new man) would take on a girl that's 12 weeks preggas, if it's not his.

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Adlers1986 · 29/02/2016 20:43

Thanks for your view. I guess I'll have to just sit and think and perhaps in a few weeks time she'll open up if this really is the case. I really hope not. Everything has been shared with me in the last few days, so I'm hoping this isn't the case.

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Scornedwoman67 · 29/02/2016 23:25

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You sound really lovely and caring. I have to say though that as I read your post, the first thing that I thought was that you may not be the father. The timing of the breakup and the scan are too much of a coincidence. It is very honourable of you to want to do right by her but please ask for a DNA test once the baby is born. I hope you find a lovely girl who deserves you.

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Adlers1986 · 01/03/2016 07:31

Thanks for the advice. The fact that reactions are so heavily towards it not yours is so worrying as its taking me the past 6 days since going through this to calm down at all. When the implant was removed we were very close and having sex at least once a day, and usually more, so I would hope it is not the case, but if it is the problem faced is that it could still be mine. So absolutely no way of knowing.