husband nice-but-useless, me losing grip

[MmeTwat]

I need to unpick this. I'm writing it down so I can see if things become clearer

(I know it is loooong. And dull. I don't really expect anyone to read it tbh)

1. husband is nice. He is funny, and (sort of) kind. He doesn't drink, he's not abusive, he's not emotionally abusive but
   

1. husband is pretty useless. He can't or won't support in a crisis, and he causes 9by omission) thousands of little crises himself
   

he works, I'm a sahm. He is good at his job, though not all that invested in it iykwim. I'm sort of good at being a sahm (3 biggish kids, house in state of disrepair, I'm supposed to be fixing it, so plenty for me to do)

it's just as a dad, and domestically, he's pretty lazy. Apparently once I described us as 'you go to work and drive everyone about, and I do everything else' which I can't remember but it sounds about right

all the caring, cooking, cleaning, outings, holidays, organising, discipline etc etc are done by me, I don't mind- of course I don't- but at weekends I expect him to at least have some input. He won't so much as tell a dc to hang their coat up, or that it's bedtime

(he has always been like this from when the kids were tiny)

as a result, I am the Bossy One. He is the Nice One

if I give him anything to do, he will fuck it up. Normally a combination of not listening to really carefully (and tactfully given) instructions, and not really giving a shit. Which is a nuisance, and causes me extra work. Plus it's not just annoying bog standard useless- some of it is dangerous. I get progressively more angry at this sort of thing. So I am the Angry One, he is the Helpless One

I feel sometimes like the whole weight of the family is on me, and the whole weight of the house

I don't like what I have become

I hate the sound of my own voice

I want him to help me- the kids are of an age now when they're getting quite challenging. He doesn't. He says he will, but then he doesn't

I wonder if I should leave him. We have been together for years. I don't think you should break up your family over what sound like trivial things but add up to a whole ton of crap falling on one person. But then I don't think you should necessarily stay together because you're materially comfortable, when you're unhappy? and progressively (now) more and more angry?

I keep telling myself it will get better when the dcs leave home, we're fine on our own. But that will take years. Should I just suck it up till then?

[Jan45]

See, the fact he is like that would've put me off marrying him - it's so unfair to be the rock for everyone. The fact he doesn't contribute to family life is enough for you to say this is not working for me, I've had enough.

You seem bothered by what others or the outside world will think, this is your life OP, you only get once chance - only you can decide if you want to carry on with this, nobody else can decide or give their opinion, well they can, but it makes no difference.

I'd not hang about to become his carer in later life, I mean, he does sound incredibly useless.

It doesn't sound trivial to me at all.

[Jan45]

And I get what you say about starting to not like yourself, if he is turning you into a nag then it's that serious OP.

[Cabrinha]

Why say "I don't mind, of course I don't" when you clearly do?
And when it's OK to mind!

Do you even want to be a SAHM? I'd look at options for going back to paid but that's me.

Otherwise, work out what's fair in the household split - it will be more you but still some him.

For disciplining the kids - I don't know.

[petalsandstars]

There's another thread atm about a similar situation (I can't link but refers to incompetent husband in the title)

I know that I couldn't live in this situation - being the only responsible adult and managing everything and everyone.

[NeedToMoveHouse]

My OH is like this, it feels like I have a teenage child. He only recently started making the bed (he gets up after me) and he's 30. I had to show him just about every aspect of housework when we got together, like cooking, using a washing machine, ironing, etc. If he does any of that now he will ask so many questions it is quicker if I just do it myself.

However, I knew very early on he was a man-child when it came to housework and I decided to deal with it. Instead of nagging, I encourage and play up the things he does do well, for my OH this is certain meals and bathroom & kitchen cleaning (for some reason he is bizarrely meticulous when it comes to cleaning hard surfaces and tiles ). This probably sounds belittling like I'm puppy training or something but it's what works for us. He had a super controlling mum who didn't let him lift a finger in case he got it wrong so is sheepish when it comes to trying anything new.

Your DH works full time to support you, 3 children and your home, financially. That is a pretty huge contribution to your family life and although cleaning up after him and him not pulling his weight isn't ideal, he isn't doing nothing! If you're really fed up, you go to work too and hire a cleaner? Both go part time and share the childcare/house work?

[YouCantCallMeBetty]

What stops him doing more OP? Does he genuinely not give a shit, is he lazy, busy doing other things, doesn't know what to do or how to do it, has got so used to you doing it that he doesn't even realise all the stuff you do? Was there a time when he did do more (I know you say he's always been like it but maybe when he did even a little bit more than now)?
Agree it isn't trivial.

[Jan45]

How attractive, feeling like your lover is a teenager or child, not right no matter how you dress it.

Going to work is not a huge contribution, we all have to do it, it's not really a choice!

[BoyGirlBoy3]

Who pays the mortgage and bills?

Who keeps the car running, or pays for it to be maintained?

Who would replace/repair an appliance if it went wrong?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but I think to diminish the sense of responsibility that the main breadwinner may experience, is a mistake.

How far does he commute to work?

[NeedToMoveHouse]

If op was a full time working mum and her partner was a sahd of 3 children and she had come on here to say how tired she was trying to support her family and sick of getting nagged to help out at home after work, the advice would be different! Of course working to look after your entire family is a huge contribution when the other one doesn't.

Also, re my post, his messiness at times is comparable to that of a teenager. Doesn't mean I see him as a teenager. Just like if I call him a cunt.

[MorrisZapp]

Most people pay their own mortgage and run their own car before having kids, and have to manage their homes too. Bloody odd to think you can abdicate all input once kids come along.

[Duckdeamon]

His behaviour doesn't make him sound "nice". Sounds like manipulative helplessness is working well for him right now, even though he knows it makes you unhappy.

Even if you're a SaHM to school-age DC and can get most stuff done while they're at school it sounds like he could do more.

I have little respect for men who do fuck all as parents or for the home, even if they earn loads.

If you still love him and want to remain in the relationship counselling might be worth a try.

[MmeTwat]

Thank you for replies

Do you even want to be a SAHM? I'd look at options for going back to paid but that's me

I like being a SAHM (or I would, if I had someone else picking up a bit of it at weekends- he does clean the sinks- what IS it with sinks??)- but I have been a bit steamrollered into it, due to him doing fuck all/seemingly incapable of doing fuck all, who knows

now I've been SAHM for ages I'm more or less unemployable

Your DH works full time to support you, 3 children and your home, financially. That is a pretty huge contribution to your family life yy, I get this. But that said he doesn't really do anything more than I did, say, when I lived alone and worked ft. AND I had to cook my own tea

if I worked, I would still have to do everything else

it's not just the housework/wifework aspect. He just won't parent. He doesn't even think of fun stuff to do. He's pretty much Victorian Dad only without the bible/discipline

anyway I saw the other Useless DH thread. That's ringing more bells than Westminster Abbey

[MorrisZapp]

The OP says he won't discipline the kids. Wtf does 'breadwinning' have to do with that?

[Jan45]

all the caring, cooking, cleaning, outings, holidays, organising, discipline etc etc are done by me, I don't mind- of course I don't- but at weekends I expect him to at least have some input. He won't so much as tell a dc to hang their coat up, or that it's bedtime

This has nothing to do with him working F/T, it's to do with his lack of interest in his own family.

[MmeTwat]

getting nagged to help out at home after work

he doesn't. Help out after work, or get nagged. He supervises the kids loading the dishwasher

weekends/holidays are the flashpoint

[MmeTwat]

...that was hard won, mind

[MorrisZapp]

He sounds like a pretty poor father, sorry.

[Duckdeamon]

You don't sound like you want to stay with him, which is fair enough!

[MmeTwat]

See, the fact he is like that would've put me off marrying him

I didn't really realise what he was like until we had dcs, then it was too late

Morris the kids adore him (though one of them at least is beginning to notice what he's like. Not with me prompting her. Honest)-but then they would, wouldn't they. He's not the Nagging Lawmaker

[MmeTwat]

You don't sound like you want to stay with him, which is fair enough!

up till today I never really considered leaving. Not seriously, anyway

but now it seems like A Thing

[Jan45]

Sorry OP but I doubt he is going to change now, you either carry on and carry the load, his included or you make plans to split.

all kids adore their parents, no matter what.

It's also possible to co parent but not be in a relationship together. As for having material things, I'd rather be with the right person and not feel angry all the time at their obvious cop out of family life.

[MmeTwat]

BoyGirlBoy- we don't have a mortgage, or rent (this is another reason why I'm at home- we have a house that needs a ton of work done to it, which I'm trying to do- so we need my labour more than an income!)

the car is a company car, he's had one everywhere he's worked. Everywhere he's worked has involved a long commute, his choice, I think. He's never applied for anything close to home. I think he likes being alone in the car. Who wouldn't

Appliances- yes, would come out of his wages or my savings, recently a small inheritance

[BoboChic]

It sounds awful, OP. While it is to be expected that, as a SAHM, the management of the household falls disproportionately to you, it is really crap parenting if your DH leaves all the discipline and organisation of the DC to you. It's a massive burden to be the sole responsible adult in a family.

[NeedToMoveHouse]

He's pretty much Victorian Dad, I know I'll get hung out for this but being a sahm and being completely financially dependent on your husband is pretty Victorian too.

I think it's extreme to go from never considering leaving him to coming on here and suddenly it's a possibility. If you left him, yes you would have one less person to clean up after but nothing else would change, would it?

Him being a shit parent could be down to you doing it all, he doesn't know how to. Surely talking to him about it all is more sensible first step than plotting to leave?

[Lostandlonely1979]

I think the fact that he;s expecting you to actually do up the house as well as run the damn thing, well! He seems to be suffering from a very outdated notion that his job is just to earn the money.

I know it's probably not practical for you but it'd be truly enlightening for him if you left him in charge for a few days and see how he coped without you.

But honestly? It sounds to me like you're checking out, and that you've had enough.

Oh and also, I kind of made my mind up about him when you typed that he won't support you in a crisis. That's the whole point of a marriage: to have each other's back when the poop hits.