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Is this really married life? I want to leave....

(27 Posts)
Fedup444 Mon 29-Feb-16 14:52:26

Been married little over a year, since then sex life has dwindled, we never see each other im at work or he is and when we do he's too tired( more likely he's been pleasing himself while I'm not there) when we do do it it's so boring sad we never talk anymore hardly even text each other whereas we used to text a lot. We just have nothing to say, I don't even think I like him or feel the same sad I'm devastated! We have argued in past over him talking to other women but that's all stopped. I just feel fed up?!

Tinwoodman Mon 29-Feb-16 15:20:33

All marriages go through ups & downs but this doesn't sound good after a year. Were you together for long before you were married? If you are feeling like this, odds on he is too. Can you sit down & be honest, say you'd like to have more sex & spice things up a bit? Can you ban phones & go out for the night. If not you need to ask yourself if it's worth saving or moving on.

Fedup444 Mon 29-Feb-16 15:29:51

We were together 3 year before, yeah he probably feels the same I've tried the usual spice up stuff I've talked about it too. We can't have a night out we are at work he's nightshift I'm day shift and we hardly get time together. I dread time together atm because it's so boring sad I'm worried we rushed into marriage now!

Crikeyblimey Mon 29-Feb-16 15:33:26

How did you arrange nights out / sex before you were married? Do you think you could get back to whatever that routine was?

Fedup444 Mon 29-Feb-16 15:35:28

We didn't have our LO then, he's got a new job where he's at work on nights we never see each other. We used to have a lot of sex he's just not interested he says its because I'm down but I'm down because of this, I dunno?

Crikeyblimey Mon 29-Feb-16 15:39:56

Ah - that does make a difference. It is really tough with small child and working hours. It won't always be this way but I understand your worry.

Can you find just one night a week / fortnight / month where you could get a sitter and be in the same schedule?

Can you take a half day leave when he's at home and get a sitter? Can he take some leave? Just so you can both reconnect??

Killairno Mon 29-Feb-16 15:40:22

There are bound to be ups and downs and thought it might seem a bit soon for a lull or a down, it doesn't mean that it can't get better.

What did you used to text about? I am married nearly 9 years now and we had stopped a bit with texting or chatting as it's easy to fall into a rut. I have started trying to do things like just send a text about a think that's popped into my head or give him a call at lunchtime just to chat for a minute. First time I did it, he was wondering what was wrong -lol - but it is nice to be thought of, right?

If one or other of you is home during when the other walks in the door - make the effort to put your 'phone to one side or turn off/pause the tv or whatever and have a quick chat. Even just welcoming someone iwth "hey, welcome home, how was your day?" is a simple and easy thing that can build intimacy and appreciation of each other. Sounds trite, but try it!

I find the more I think/read about sex, the more I want it so you can try that too. And talk about it to him - I find I am better at sending an email to raise it (I put NSFW in the title!) as then I can bring it up when it pops into my head rather than waiting for an appropriate moment - whenever that might be - to bring it up.

Could you book a cinema/gig/dinner date for a few weeks time at all? Plan ahead to facilitate a date night?

Married life will have downs, it will have boring bits but you can dig yourself out of a rut too!

Fedup444 Mon 29-Feb-16 15:47:35

If we have the odd night he's always tired and we have a really boring quickly then I end up feeling shit because he would rather please himself to porn than me. I always suggest different things, I suppose I'm a fair bit more experienced in that sense than him. I left my long term ex because sex dwindled out and I just give up trying. I feel fed up and alone ! sad it really upsets me that I don't feel like I used to I really think we rushed into this I can't see my future at all with him! I feel like a right fool!

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 29-Feb-16 16:00:25

How old is your LO? Are you feeling happy in other aspects of your life eg being at work, being a mum? I'm just trying to work out if it's the complete life change that has thrown you or if it is all about your relationship with your partner.

Fedup444 Mon 29-Feb-16 16:04:40

LO is 1 no I'm happy with LO and work I just don't feel happy with him tbh. I feel like a failure but it's been like this for so long I can't see a way out, I try and try but get nothing I told him this morning I think we should separate he just laughed and said its ridiculous I think that ?! I just feel so unhappy!

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 29-Feb-16 16:26:44

If he refuses to even acknowledge there is a problem then I guess you have 3 choices:
1) stay where you are and be miserable
2) go to couples' counselling
3) have a trial separation
The latter may be the only way to get him to see how unhappy you are.

Viviennemary Mon 29-Feb-16 16:32:26

Some people are prepared to settle for the kind of life you have and some people aren't. So you either try to change things, accept the status quo or leave. I think counselling is probably a good idea before you make any big decisions about the future.

toofunny Mon 29-Feb-16 16:34:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnotherEmma Mon 29-Feb-16 16:41:58

"I told him this morning I think we should separate he just laughed and said its ridiculous I think that"

That's a very cruel reaction. You're telling him you're unhappy and instead of listening he laughs at you and says you're being ridiculous?! It's verging on emotional abuse territory tbh. It sounds like there are other issues too - do you think he prefers porn to sex? And you mentioned problems to do with other women - have you had reason to doubt his fidelity in the past? All in all it's painting a very worrying picture and I'm not surprised you're unhappy. With a young child and different working patterns, it's normal to struggle a bit, but at the very least he should be willing to communicate about the problem.

Oh and please ignore the utter crap comments from toofunny.

Pooshy Mon 29-Feb-16 16:45:15

OP I am in exactly the same situation as you - only my LO is 14 months. I've been quite worried about it also, and hoping its dorm to our relationship having to adjust but right how we just dont seem to enjoy each other's company at all :-(

So no advise but watching this thread with interest! X

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 29-Feb-16 16:50:29

toofunny I take it your username is a clue to the fact your response was a poor joke or are you just mean and shallow? hmm

Sunbeam18 Mon 29-Feb-16 16:53:04

WTF, toofunny??

Fedup444 Mon 29-Feb-16 17:01:16

How very strange, no I haven't put weight on, he has. He's severely overweight in fact. I'm a size 10. He must have a porn problem he hides it so much I asked him about wanking this morning he said I'm not talking about it to you it's private. Ok.... I was more trying to take an interest than offend him. Yes had lots of reasons to doubt him he denies doing anything but I'm sure he's probably cheated. He's never done anything like that for around 2 year but it sort of stuck with me to the point I wonder why I married him. I just really don't like him I think he's very self centred and not really nice. If I say something about anything he does wrong he will have something to say back if you get me?

AnotherEmma Mon 29-Feb-16 17:04:43

I wonder why you married him, too.
Sorry OP but it's not good.

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Feb-16 17:04:44

It sounds really miserable and pointless too, tbh. What's the point in being married to someone you never see?

You don't need his permission to leave him. It sounds as though you'd have a much better life without him.

Fedup444 Mon 29-Feb-16 17:07:35

He said what's the point in not being together because we don't see each other? I don't understand him or why he wants to be with me we are so miserable!

Fedup444 Mon 29-Feb-16 17:26:03

I'm just going to tell him tomorrow that it's over, I can't live my life like this tbh!

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Feb-16 17:35:17

What's the situation regarding money and housing, OP? Did you move into that place together?

toofunny Mon 29-Feb-16 17:35:27

I would...he sounds like a waste of time.

Fedup444 Mon 29-Feb-16 17:42:24

We live rented both names but I think he will leave, I've got no where I could go I have another DC too. I work a bit more than part time but someone told me I could get tax credits to cover the short fall? I just don't want to be stuck like this for much longer I've tried for too long now!

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