Why does he bring up my past?

[Purplerain067]

I just need some advice really.
I have been in a relationship with my DP for 2 years and got engaged just before Christmas. We have a great relationship, we work so well together, our children are getting on great and things are really looking up. I cannot wait to be his wife and to carry on our lives together.

But there's this one issue that happens every 6 months or so. When my DP has a few too many drinks or a bit of a bad day he will bring up my past. He will make me feel small for how many sexual partners I've had and often asks very personal questions and can be quite nasty about it.

I've told him it needs to stop and that my past is behind me and I'm not that person anymore. However it doesn't seem to make any difference. We will talk. He will say it's difficult to leave it in the past, I will get upset, he then feels bad and all will be forgotten the following day until the next time he brings it up.

After a not so great weekend with him I've told him today that it is his problem not mine and he needs to either get over it or leave- he didn't reply. I feel like I've been so hasty, I don't want him to leave because 99% of the time things are great but I can't take anymore of this

I'm dreading him not coming home but I really feel I don't deserve this either. I don't know what to do.

[FredaMayor]

This issue is not going to go away for DP. He represses it until it comes out when alcohol removes his inhibition.

IMO you should both tackle this problem head on with the help of counselling to try and help you move forward.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

He's unlikely to change. If it was just when he got totally pissed (how tedious that is in itself) then you have the option of telling him not to drink that much so that it doesn't happen again. However, you say it comes out when he's had a bit of a bad day.

It's his problem, not yours. You weren't hasty, you were absolutely right to say what you did. If he can't get over it - and it seems he can't - he has to leave. A pity this didn't all come out before all the kids got brought together as they will clearly "suffer" for this too if he can't sort it.

[gamerchick]

You did the right thing and there would be no way I would help him through counselling either. Nobody can help their past and if he cant live with it then he needs to leave. Its not fair on you.

[pocketsaviour]

He needs to work on his attitude. It is totally irrelevant whether you've slept with 2 men or 200, whether you've been a nun, a sex worker, or written for the Daily Mail (well...) - it's none of his business what you did before you met him.

He sounds miogynistic and abusive, to be perfectly honest. Do you really want someone like this bringing up your children to learn that "men are studs but women are sluts"?

[Treetop12]

Have you tried talking it over when he hasn't had a drink?

I'm embarrassed to say that I behaved a bit like him when I first got with my (now ex) boyfriend. we started as friends, so we told each other a lot of stuff (detailed stuff) about our pasts. suddenly there were feelings involved and the stuff that I knew was no longer funny or interesting - it drove me mental, and would cause (drink related) arguments.

I did get over it though (the reason we split up was nothing to do with this issue), I think it is possible. And I think you have done the right thing with your ultimatum. It may make him realise that he is being unfair, and that he needs to rise above it.

Good luck - you don't deserve to be judged for your past by anyone, especially not your partner.

xx

[NickiFury]

He's an abusive arsehole and if it wasn't this it would be something else. That's the truth, though it will probably take a few more wasted years to realise and believe that for yourself sadly.

[Cabrinha]

"I'm not that person any more"

You know that it's perfectly all right to have been that person?

You personally might regret what you did in the past... but you don't have to. It's OK to have slept with 1000 men. Don't be ashamed of past choices.

He can fuck off. That 1% will grow and grow until you realise you married someone who is 50% arsehole.

Where does he get off, judging you? It's just his current stick to beat you with. He'll find more if he realises you're serious about putting your foot down over this one.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Yeah, it's a big red flag. That's what your gut is saying. Trust your gut.

He sees it as a permanent stick to beat you with-because you can not change your history. Convenient that.

So he shames you, degrades you, insults you, ...and doesn't want to stop. It is acknowledged that this treatment is intermittent. But that just may be a function of not being married yet...I would expect it to become much more frequent after marriage, imho.

You were not too hasty. You have to nip this crappy behavior in the bud. You have put the ball in his court. But...if he agrees to stop it and then oops there he goes again: hold your boundary and end it yourself.

This is for your mental health. Someone degrading you and putting you down like that will have a very depressive effect and erode your self esteem. If you wait until you are depressed and have no more self esteem, it will be much harder to leave. All of that would also be a poor example to set for the dc.

[glintwithpersperation]

100% agree with Cabrinha. You have done the right thing. How dare he make you feel bad about this. Who is he the morality police?

He likes to make you feel bad when his guard is down. This is a very very bad sign. Do not marry this man

[FredaMayor]

Op I suggested professional help because I think it would help you to know the root of DH's problem with your sexual past. For instance, does he think you are somehow a nymphomaniac, immoral, a cheat? What?

I think you need to know that before you throw in the towel.

[Treetop12]

I agree with Freda. This could be worked out. He obviously has jealousy problems, but it may be something easily resolved with some talking.

I got over it. I realised I was being selfish and I just snapped out of it and never mentioned it again.

Although I completely agree that you don't deserve it, and I understand why it hurts you so much.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

sigh<

This "1% of the time" thing. Nobody - nay, not even us nasty vipers on Mumsnet - will ever suggest you leave a person because things are less than brilliant 1% of the time.

But 1% - even .0001% of somebody making you feel bad about yourself is not to be borne.

These arent the inevitable little knocks of day-to-day life. This is somebody repeatedly, and against your repeated express wishes, making you feel bad about yourself.

Some people don't get the difference. Please, do get the difference. Trust and believe in yourself.

[TheNaze73]

What is the hang up about? I'm sure this can be worked through. Sounds like he needs some form of counselling.

[Hissy]

He is judging you. He is calling you a slut in so many words. He is degrading you.

You're only 2 years in. This is how it starts.

Please dump him.

If he's not happy with who you are, he never will be, and certainly never if you keep allowing him to do this.

End it. Now. And tell him why.

You deserve a man to be proud of you 100% of the time.

I've been where you are, it doesn't stop there and the little he has done will scar you sexually for years until you work out that your self esteem is worth more than him.

End it. Today. Please?

[Jan45]

Why on earth do you want to marry a man that behaves like this, in other words, he thinks he can judge your past, call you names and make you feel shit, all this in 2 years and you actually got engaged to him.

I think you need to rethink the whole bloody relationship, I would never allow anyone to talk down to me about my life, what has it got to do with him what you did in your past, HUGE red flag, ignore at your peril.

[nicenewdusters]

Hissy has it, 100% in my view.

I would actually be very unnerved by this. He's "only" bringing it up once every 6 months or so when he's had a few drinks. How often is he thinking about it generally ? Why ? Massive red flag.

[magoria]

You have been together 2 years.

Anything that happened 2 years + 1 day ago is none of his business.

He has no right to treat you as if you are a slag, because let's be honest this is what he thinks even if he hides it 99% of the time.

He insults you, be belittles you, he is nasty to you and he makes you feel bad.

Despite you telling him this is not OK it continues.

You can twist yourself into knots to make yourself the person you think he wants.

You can never erase your past. It will always be there and without a massive amount of work on his part it will always be dragged up.

Hand the ring back, make plans so to go your separate way unless he agrees to deal with his issues and don't think of tying yourself to this man until he has dealt with it and not brought it up for probably another couple of years?

[LeaLeander]

In vino veritas.

When he drinks, his true opinions and insecurities come out. When he thinks he "owns" you via marriage etc. it's going to get worse.

As an aside, why do people talk about their pasts? I have a firm rule that I don't want to know about a lover's sexual history and I certainly feel no need to share mine. (Other than being disease-free of course, but I mean the activity/behaviour.)

[Treetop12]

Lealeander - I know exactly what you mean. I made the mistake of talking to my ex in great detail about our pasts!! I don't know what we were thinking. It started off really casual, and neither of us were looking for anything serious, so we just found it funny.

not so funny when you move in together and you live opposite the girl he had a one night stand with right before you got together!

I'm not condoning OPs partners behaviour, im really not. but I just think that they could talk about it when he is sober, and see if it can be resolved.

I judged my ex's past, I made him feel terrible about it - but I learnt my lesson and we moved on from it.

[Hissy]

My ex started like this.

In the end his torture sessions would last hours, over days and he'd terrorise me to an inch of my life.

Only now, 5 years on, has it dawned on me :

This is what I said to my ex recently: "if you find/found my "past" so unsavoury, then you should have dumped me."

If you believed I was not worthy of you, you should have dumped me.

You do not have the right use things that have (a) nothing to do with you (b) are in the past so are fixed and unchangable and (c) are perfectly acceptable to me and others to beat me down or make me feel bad about myself.

I have no reason to feel bad about myself, I've done nothing wrong.

Nobody forced you to change your perception of me, or to accept what you find unacceptable.

Likewise you do not have the right to force me to change my perception of myself or accept that I am unacceptable or wrong in any way.

He's not good enough for you love, this torture will never end, because he believes he is right and you are wrong. He has a very warped view of women and ime this behaviour is the top of the iceberg

[Hissy]

5 years on from the end (10 year relationship - slaps self)

[Purplerain067]

Thank you all for your replies.

He hasn't come home yet and I haven't made any contact with him.

Every time this comes up I try to convince myself that he can see that I love him and that he will eventually stop bringing it up.

But I'm starting to think it will just carry on forever if I don't do something about it.

I have told him he is being nasty and unreasonable and that he shouldn't care or even ask about my past etc. I told him it needs to stop because I can't take it anymore.

Before he went to work he said there's nothing I can do to make it better.

I have a horrible feeling he is not coming back.

[wallywobbles]

IME this is used as a stick to beat you with. I'm my case the stick kept getting bigger and bigger. It didn't end well.

[Hissy]

Every time this comes up I try to convince myself that he can see that I love him and that he will eventually stop bringing it up.

This will never, ever happen.

In fact he will add to it.

Please know that you are worth more than he values you at.

Please know that you are not just good enough, you are way better than him.

Which is why he is going to these lengths to tear you down.

Don't ever let him back into your life. He will destroy you. Mark my words.