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I've been put off OLD for life after this

(114 Posts)
Jaffacakesaremyfave Mon 29-Feb-16 08:47:45

Met a guy from Tinder about 1 month ago and we went on 2 dates over a 3 week period. He was the first person I'd met up with and although I didn't fancy him on our first date, I thought he seemed really sweet and we seemed to get on so I agreed to a second date.

On said 2nd date it became clear he was desperate to settle down and have children which is not something I'm looking for at the moment and made this clear through our conversations. He took me segwaying (sorry not sure how to spell) and I borrowed his jumper (horrible G raw hoody not a cashmere sweater or anything) as it was cold and then we went for dinner which I offered to pay for which he declined.

Anyway, I decided soon after that we weren't looking for the same things and there were a few other things he had said which creeped me out abit so I sent a nice txt explaining this and wishing him well.

Since then he has sent me a few texts offering to pick his jumper up but it's always been when my children are at home and I don't want him near my house. The first chance I'd had to drop it off was this weekend so I said I would drop it off around 7. He agreed and asked me if I wanted to come inside for a cup of tea but I politely declined as I was going to my friends house and just passing by (plus he creeped me out).

I was running late and got to his about 7.45pm. He hadn't mentioned he was going out so didn't think it would be an issue to be abit late, plus was only dropping off a bloody jumper!! I said hi, told him I was in a rush so gave the jumper and he made a comment under his breath as he walked away about me being late etc. I just shrugged it off and drove away then arrived at my friends house to this lovely text....

'Ur funny.. honestly.. I take u out twice spend probably the best part of £250 and then I get a "sorry I'm not ready speech".. then u feed me bullshit about returning my things.. I was nothing but nice to you Jaffa and if this is how u treat people well it's no surprise to me that ur single. U were really rude before and I didnt deserve that.. what did I do to you? U changed in an instance. Glad I found out what u were really like early, before I wasted anymore time on you. Date tonight with someone who actually does mean what she says. Good luck Jaffa as believe me with ur attitude and bullshit stories ur gonna need it love.'

I feel really creeped out, I don't know why this has upset me so much. He lives a short walk from my house and knows where I live. I can't believe my judge of character is so way off too, usually I can spot a creep from a mile away!!

Why do guys like this think they have the right to be horrible just because they spent abit of money on a date and didn't get sex at the end? I'm ready to give up on dating for a while as this was so aggressive and unwarranted. He's 38 for god sake!!!

Has anyone else experienced this?

Skiptonlass Mon 29-Feb-16 08:52:41

The world owes him a woman because he is A Man, An Alpha Shining Male.
You should have fallen at his feet
You rejected him
But that's not his fault, or just one of those things. Oh no. How could anyone not be gagging for his Manly charms?
He cannot accept that a woman wouldn't want him
He cannot accept that an action of his would put you off
He is entitled to sex, didn't get it and thus...
He became aggressive

Google the "bye filipe" site.

You dodged a bullet. Well done smile

Secretlove Mon 29-Feb-16 08:55:06

Oh yes I had a 'you're the most despicable person I've ever met...' text after I called it off with someone who was getting heavy after a few dates (not even any shagging.) It did unnerve me because I thought he was disproportionately angry. Imagine how he was during his divorce!

The advice on here is always to ignore but I did send a snotty message back, by which time I suspect he had blocked me but I felt better for it.

MardyGrave Mon 29-Feb-16 08:59:22

To be fair, it was a bit rude of you to keep hold of his jumper for days and then be late when you said you'd drop it off, that's just basic manners.

The rest though you dodged a bullet.

ivykaty44 Mon 29-Feb-16 09:00:14

You damaged his ego, therefore he has sent a spiteful text to "put you down"

Best to not let it bother you as its all twaddle mixed up with nastyness to make you doubt yourself.

You are a nice person, you offered to pay, you didn't ask for him to take you out on £125 dates ( really?) You politely let him down rather than stringing him along.

Hopefully his next date does want to settle down and have children but good for you bring honest with that's not what you want.

NoArmaniNoPunani Mon 29-Feb-16 09:03:14

He's an arse. I know some people think it's the done thing for men to pay but I always found the nicest men in OLD were the ones who went Dutch

TheNaze73 Mon 29-Feb-16 09:06:25

He sounds like a class A twat. I think the wanting to settle down/kids thing was a load of BS personally & an angle for sex. Don't let it out you off of OLD though. Just as all women aren't bunny boilers trying to trap blokes, not all men are fragile ego'd tosspots, who cannot handle rejection. The not letting you pay, was controlling, so in his head, you owed him something. I can't speak for all men but, any that say on a second date, that they want to settle down & have kids, should come with a severe health warning

jimpam Mon 29-Feb-16 09:07:46

He sounds awful & very entitled, as PPs have said you have dodged a bullet! What does he think dating is, surely there's always an element of risk that you might not be right for one another, despite time & money (god forbid!) spent. Don't take it too personally Jaffa.

pastmyduedate0208 Mon 29-Feb-16 09:10:48

I've had this from men after they insist on paying etc then complain how much you "cost" and do all the nice things then complain that "I was so nice to you. What a waste of my niceness".

One lectured me over the phone about how "You can't go around leading men on the way you do, you've ended up being a total waste of my time" !!

Some inept men do it because they think we are like slot machines. They put coins of "niceness" or actual money, then they get sex/girlfriend at the end of it. Creepy as fuck.

Pregnantpeppa Mon 29-Feb-16 09:13:33

This is why I absolutely INSIST on going halves on everything for dating. I make it clear at the outset too and that it is non negotiatable.

BluePancakes Mon 29-Feb-16 09:26:29

Yep, you definitely dodged a bullet there.

I received a similar text when I stopped seeing someone after a couple of dates. I replied, something like "Hope new date is love of your life and you're very happy together". I think he was expecting me to grovel to get back with him once I knew there was competition. Fat chance!

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 29-Feb-16 09:27:40

Yeah, always insist on paying your way. Otherwise they'll use their generosity as a way of getting a shag as payback. Fuck that!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Mon 29-Feb-16 10:32:07

"I borrowed his jumper (horrible G raw hoody not a cashmere sweater or anything)"
I'm intrigued, what is the relevance that it was "horrible" and "wasn't cashmere or anything"?confused

You were not "a bit late", you kept him waiting for 45 minutes which, unless you were very apologetic and gave him warning, is just bloody rude. Anyway, was there a reason the hoody couldn't have been given back at the end of the date?

Other than that I agree with the PPs.

suzannecaravaggio Mon 29-Feb-16 10:39:20

Bullet dodged
All that 'u' and 'ur' for 'you' and 'you're'
Just awful😱

You hurt his pride and he's given you a pompous lecture to try and put you back in your place
He's a dimwit and no mistake😋

SoThatHappened Mon 29-Feb-16 10:39:50

You didnt fancy him on your first date.

You slag off his clothing choices.

He spent alot of money on you.

He lives round the corner from you but you couldnt find 5 mins to drop off a sweater, wouldnt allow him to pick it up and were 45 minutes dropping it off when you finally did go round.

Perhaps he picked up on how much contempt you really felt for him. Doesnt sound like you were very nice to him either.

Jaffacakesaremyfave Mon 29-Feb-16 10:45:03

The relevance is that it was just a crappy hoody and can't have been a prized expensive possession. It's not like he urgently needed it back and I returned it back washed and ironed. He was clearly using it as a way to keep in touch and can't have been too annoyed with the length of time taken to return it as he was inviting me up for a 'cup of tea' the same night he was supposed to be on a date. I work full time and have my children to look after so not like I can throw my kids in the car whilst I nip to his and drop an item of clothing to a random guy. I returned it as soon as I could.

Even if it was abit rude to return it late, I don't think it warranted that amount of abuse by text. I would never speak to anyone like that over something so trivial. That is exactly what creeped me out so much Secretlove, the level of anger was so disproportionate for what had happened and I hate to think what he would be like if I saw him in the street. It's quite intimidating to have someone so angry over nothing.

I didn't ask for him to pay for anything, I'm quite happy to go halves. It was him that insisted and then complained when he didn't get what he wanted from me. That's clearly the issue here and not the lateness.

SoThatHappened Mon 29-Feb-16 10:51:03

The relevance is that it was just a crappy hoody and can't have been a prized expensive possession.

To you maybe.

Do your DC or even you, really like some article of clothing or possession that someone else would deem crappy?

Undoubtedly...but the point is that isnt your call to make how quickly he needs his clothes back or whether they are nice or not.

As I said, your feelings about him he probably picked up on. But he should have just left it that when he got his clothes back.

VanillaSue Mon 29-Feb-16 11:09:02

I just had one a bit like this.

We flirted over text one day and it was a lot of fun, he seemed to tick a lot of boxes.

The next day was a really tough day due to a family issue and I was actually crying and feeling really down, and this guy started sending me very petulatant texts about how I had "changed". I told him it had fuck all to do with him, and then he progressed to becoming angry that I was on whatsapp and talking to more than one person at once.

I hadn;t even met him yet.

When I told him I didn't want to meet him because he was too aggressive for my tastes, he completely went beserk.

I say that situations like this reveal people.

We have all been dumped and unwanted on OLD and some people can;t handle it!

RudeElf Mon 29-Feb-16 11:12:42

He sounds like an ex of mine.

Youre well rid!

Move on. There are nice people out there.

NewChristian Mon 29-Feb-16 11:14:50

I've seen this sort of thing before - the woman says it won't work and the man complains about the money he's spent and says 'no wonder you're single'. Nobody is entitled to a relationship with anyone. It's his problem, it's not your problem.

I gave up dating sites about 6 months ago when it became clear that it's full of screwed up people.

Jaffacakesaremyfave Mon 29-Feb-16 12:24:54

Sothathappened, I appreciate what you're saying, he may have loved his crappy jumper but surely if he needed it so badly he could have just asked for it back nicely instead of insisting on coming to my house when my children were at home. Are u suggesting the abusive text was warranted?

Yes I didn't fancy him on the first date but he seemed like a nice guy so I thought I would see where a second date may lead (I'm not only into looks, personality is important).

I never criticised his clothing taste to his face and didn't have contempt for him until all this happened. My feelings were neutral and I suggested we could be friends. I really can't see how dropping a jumper off abit late should lead to me feeling attacked.

It's really sad to hear that other people have had to put up with this bollocks too. Dating is supposed to be fun and rejection is all part of it, you can't fall in love and marry every single person you meet. I feel sorry for his next date as she has no idea what she's in for if she doesn't put out after a couple of dates and God forbid if she doesn't want to see him again!!

BeautyQueenFromMars Mon 29-Feb-16 13:01:48

Bloody hell, I've just looked at the Bye Felipe Instagram site. WTAF is wrong with people?! I did online dating years ago, before Tindr etc, and I don't recall any nastiness like that, despite being a larger lady. I think the worst was a mutual agreement to not see one another any more, which somehow ended up being a rather impassioned religious argument via email that didn't involve insults or name calling.

OP, I'm sorry he was horrid to you. It seems his pride was hurt and he lashed out. Onwards and upwards flowers

BeautyQueenFromMars Mon 29-Feb-16 13:02:20

Ooh not justifying his text btw, he was out of order!

Cabrinha Mon 29-Feb-16 13:43:15

OK, he's an arsehole and had you actually paid for all of the dates and returned the hoody immediately, he still would have found some reason to be rude. You hurt his feelings rejecting him, and he lashed out. He's a prick and you're well rid, nothing you did warrants that rudeness.

But at least recognise what you should have done differently - just for future dates. It would have taken you 10 mins max on a day you were out anyway to have stuck the hoody wrapped in a carrier through his door.

And it's very difficult for a man to "insist" on paying hmm You weren't sure on him - you should have paid for half the dates, if necessary refusing the Segway if it was outside of your budget to pay your share. If he sprung it on you, you should have said it was too expensive.

I usually carry cash for OLD so that no-one can "insist". I had one guy sneak off to the bar when I had twice told him I was only comfortable splitting the bill. Not just a half hearted "shall we split it" but explicitly saying that I was only comfortable with splitting. On that occasion, I didn't have cash to drop on the table for him. I didn't want to see him again, and in the text afterwards saying thanks but no, I told him that I'd found him ignoring my explicit wishes and comfort level offputting.

He's an arsehole no mistake. Bit daft to give up OLD as a result though.

Next time, pay your way and don't give out address info. He shouldn't know where you live after 2 dates!

Secretlove Mon 29-Feb-16 13:44:41

A lot of men are like this when they have been rejected, as if you owe them something just because you have met up with them once or twice. If they are doing online dating they must experience it a lot so why can't they brush it off and put it down to experience?

I called off a date with one guy and he smashed his phone in anger confused (he told me several months later when he contacted me again - I still wasn't interested.) This kind of thing has happened to me so often that I am very wary of guys knowing where I live these days.

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