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Ex partner has just had a baby with GF - Advice on handling this with my DS please

(54 Posts)
mummytippy Mon 29-Feb-16 00:41:11

My Ex has had a baby with his GF. The baby arrived in the early hours of yesterday morning whilst my DS was at his DF's for contact from Fri pm - Sun pm. He arrived home very excited about his new sibling and I shared in that with him. He said that his DF's GF was going to text him a photo (of him holding the baby at hospital (yesterday afternoon)) for him and to show me.

After about 20 mins of being home he became upset as on checking his phone, no photo as yet. I said to give it time for all the practical reasons children don't understand... she may be feeding/changing the baby etc in hospital - no phones.

Then he started complaining about the fact he'd had to spend 2 nights at his grandma's (was taken there minutes after me dropping him off on Friday) and has only seen his DF for about 5 hours (visiting at hospital and journey back to me today). He then also got further upset as he won't be at their house when the baby comes home tomorrow and that his DF's partners DS is going to get to spend more time with the baby day-to-day as DS lives with me and goes there EOW (There's a Court Order in place).

I explained his DF had to be on hand this weekend to help support his GF whilst she had the baby but he was still upset. I wouldn't have minded if he had stayed an extra night (Sunday) and had Monday off school but my ex did not ask me. The whole baby thing has been a bit cloak and dagger (as far as me being kept directly informed) I even learned of the pregnancy via my DS.

My DS was told on the phone last Weds that the baby was going to be born on Thursday or by Friday at the very latest. When I dropped my DS Friday pm I was not told whether baby had already arrived or not so I left assuming baby was already here meaning DS would have the whole weekend at home with his new sibling. My DS had not seen his DF for 4 weeks because the last time he was due to go my ex asked me (the day before) not to take him as he thought the baby was coming... so best he stay with me. During this time my ex barely contacted my DS to keep him informed and this lead to confusion... don't come - - baby on way... and now baby now arrives 4 weeks later... and DS ends up being looked after whilst ex at hosp with GF and impeding birth. Precisely what I thought he was trying to avoid for him the time he said not to take him. This now confirms it really was about not being bothered to take him to a trip our DS was scheduled to go on on during the last contact weekend with his DF.

I have told my DS that I am more than in agreement that he can see his DF and new sibling anytime. All his DF needs do is arrange with me when, travel to DS on his day off work with the baby and take him for tea after school (AIBU to suggest this?). I naturally feel for my DS, but at the same time it is not my responsibility to undertake travel (which would be at my expense) to facilitate the relationship with the new baby. I'm still exhausted from almost two years family court proceedings my ex started.

Any advice from anyone who's gone through similar would be grately appreciated. I'm obviously here emotionally for my DS but I also feel that my ex has not handled this very well (in discussions with our DS direct) and I feel like I'm having to pick up all of the emotional pieces.

My DS has other half siblings with his DF who are sigificantly older but from two other independant relationships. He sees one occasionally but the eldest he knows of but has not ever met as his DF has no contact.

Thanks in advance.

PrincessBooBoo Mon 29-Feb-16 09:19:41

Talk to your ex?? You seem to be tip toeing around the really serious issues here. Did yo know he had gone to grandma for the whole weekend? Would he have been happy there?? Talk to the real people in your life and you will get answers

mummytippy Mon 29-Feb-16 10:02:56

Is wish I could PrincessBooBoo Ex is not someone I can simply talk to as daft as that might sound. He was abusive in our relationship and is unreasonable and antagonistic even regarding such important matters. We were advised after Court to correspond by email and text only as any phonecall has resulted in him shouting down the phone at me... calling me names, turning and twisting things, his GF texting me too etc, etc. Drama no-one needs let alone my DS being in ear-shot of it.
I had a previous thread on hear as he refuses to correspond through Email... basically ignores it... but when on the phone does not listen and merely shouts at me and over when I speak.
I am trying to deal with this important matter by myself with my DS as apart from potentially asking him to travel visit to see DS with new baby on his day off work. He is the type (with his Sol) to turn this into applying back to the court saying DS would be happier living back with him so he can see new baby daily. I'm assuming you haven't experienced such a situ or dealt with such a person?

mummytippy Mon 29-Feb-16 10:38:20

Sorry, forgot to add that he felt palmed off with GM and didn't know he was going to be going there until he arrived at his DF's. Her car was there that's partly why I thought baby had arrived... thought she was visiting but obvs she was there to collect my DS without me knowing. My DS fell and hurt his back whilst with the GM at a play centre and she gave him paracetamol!!! - not Calpol. I am very unhappy about all of this. I think at the least I'll need to email about that.

Sunshine87 Mon 29-Feb-16 10:46:42

You don't know what issues have occured over the weekend during the pregnancy/labour. Labour isn't a quick procress. Without being in that situation i do think its unfair to judge them. I would explain this to DS. If DS had to go to his grandmothers then really she should of contacted you but maybe they got sidetracked in all the carry on. I would leave it drop and continue access. Having a baby is never straight forward and in some cases siblings have to be taken else where at last minute.

RidersOnTheStorm Mon 29-Feb-16 10:52:57

You seem to be looking for things to nit pick about.

It was a stressful weekend all round and, of course, the new mother and baby should have priority. See how things go over the next few weeks.

mummytippy Mon 29-Feb-16 11:07:58

What are your thoughts on a 9 yo being given Paracetamol please? and me not being informed?

The Ex's DM hates me (his words and he's the DS who can do no wrong!) so she wouldn't have contacted me. I monitor things... continually and only raise serious issues... hence my post on here asking for adv... before I contact Ex.

BertrandRussell Mon 29-Feb-16 11:11:48

Calpol is paracetamol.

shartsi Mon 29-Feb-16 11:12:45

Calpol and paracetamol are similar, both painkillers.

Sunshine87 Mon 29-Feb-16 11:17:09

Its the same thing. I do think your splitting hairs here. Are you abit put out that they had a baby together?

BertrandRussell Mon 29-Feb-16 11:19:23

They are not similar- they are the same. Calpol is just paracetamol with added sugar or sweeteners.

VimFuego101 Mon 29-Feb-16 11:21:47

God, I keep DSD's mother informed on most things but it would never occur to me to tell her about calpol/ paracetamol unless she was going to her mums straight afterwards and would need to know when she could take the next dose.

I think you need to give everyone a little time to settle down tbh. Text your ex, tell him your DS would love to spend some time with the baby, offer to meet him half way. Make sure your son understands that they're probably struggling right now but that he will see his new sibling soon.

crumblybiscuits Mon 29-Feb-16 11:28:02

I think you are very over-involved in this and should take a step back. DS needs to understand that things can be difficult when a new baby is involved and this is part of becoming a big brother putting the baby first for a short time. The calpol/paracetamol thing is a non-issue they are the same thing.

SanityClause Mon 29-Feb-16 11:28:32

Calpol is paracetamol. So long as she used the correct dosage (usually one tablet, instead of two for an adult) it will be fine.

My DC weren't being given Calpol by 9yo.

She should have told you about the bump to his back, though, including painkillers given the day he returned to you, so you were in a position to calculate any further doses given that day.

mummytippy Mon 29-Feb-16 11:28:35

I know Calpol contains Paracetamol.
Calpol SixPlus has 250mg in every 5ml and I usually give my DS 5ml which is equivalent to half a standard paracetamol tablet. I've never just given Calpol either... I'm not one for just giving medicine 'willy-nilly'.
Importantly, it says on the info sheet - not to be given if any other medicine is being given with paracetamol in it. How was I to know he had not had a paracetamol tablet a short time before being returned hime to me. I'd just like to be kept informed and not accidentally give my DC an overdose through poor comms.

wannaBe Mon 29-Feb-16 11:31:10

Calpol is paracetamol. As your ex also has parental responsibility I wouldn't expect this kind of thing to be run past you while he is on his dad's watch iyswim.

Am I right in guessing you're the poster who posted recently saying you should have a day in October half term to make up for if your DS were to go to his dad's to see the baby if it was born in half term? and that your ex was actually awarded residency but that your ds is now back living with you?

Tbh it's hard when a child gains a sibling who is not related to you. My ex has recently had a baby with his partner and I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't found it a little bit difficult. However, regardless of how many children he has (and fwiw I don't disagree that he's probably not a paragon of lasting relationships), the relationship between your ds and the new baby is between them, and apart from to not discourage it, you really don't have a right to be told what is and isn't happening in that regard. You're not a part of their family, and you will find out things about them, and the baby via your ds. This is just how it is now, and it is up to you to find a way to deal with that in your own way which doesn't compromise your ds.

Noeuf Mon 29-Feb-16 11:36:32

But you do know he had paracetamol. I'd be a bit concerned at checking the dose, but apart from that I can't see an issue.

I also think it's not a goer to expect the ex to bring a new baby away from its mum to meet your ds - what if she's breastfeeding, or doesn't want to be away from the baby?

Unfortunately your ds lives apart from the baby and contact will be via his dad and current arrangements. I think you need to help him accept that.

mummytippy Mon 29-Feb-16 11:50:22

My last reply crossed a few posters.

Yes Wannabee it is me and I just feel like I am being left to pick up lots of emotional pieces for my DS. I just feel his DF could handle things for him so much better but doesn't and I also realise I cannot control that. My DS is feeling left out and has said he's sad because he feels his DF doesn't care about him - not even enough to travel over and take him out for tea once (My DS's words). I always say I don't know why... DF must be busy but this does not wash with DS as he knows I did precisely that for over a year and Ex did not promote me or contact with me at all.

I have absolutely no problem the ex has had a child with his GF. I ended the abusive relationship I had with my ex when DS was 18 months old.
My main concern is the fact that poor comms could have lead to an accidental OD and was not told about bump. I'm really not trying to Micromanage anymore and really do just want a quite life for me and DS and have stepped back.

A full paracetamol tablet (500mg) is equivalent to the dosage on Calpol SixPlus for a 10-12 year old and my DS is 9 and small for his age. It also says on the Paracetamol packet I have - not to be given to a child under 12 yo.

The GF promising to text a photo to DS's phone which still had not arrived this morning has not helped him feel included either. Why she could not have just sent it at the time the photo was taken I have no idea.

ivykaty44 Mon 29-Feb-16 12:03:57

I think unfortunately resident parents do pick up the emotional fall out.

I doubt the photo will arrive, so don't mention it and if dc mentions photo just say maybe it got lost or step mum is busy ATM and leave it.

Tbh just play everything down and if he suggests that step brother gets more time with their half sibling - well bring up most situations have oros and cons
Therefore step brother has a baby to share with his mum, so in amongst the cuddles his mum will be busy. Etc

FeelingFine89 Mon 29-Feb-16 12:05:11

She's probably forgot to send it. And as for not sending it when she took it, perhaps she was just busy and has now forgot. Can't you send a quick text to your ex asking him to send DS a picture of the baby, rather demonising the mother who has just given birth and like I said probably forgot?

crumblybiscuits Mon 29-Feb-16 12:05:52

Have you actually reminded them about the photo? They've just had a brand new baby they've probably genuinely forgotten.

Bluelilies Mon 29-Feb-16 12:13:38

A single paracetamol tablet is the same dose as 2 teaspoons of Calpol 6+, so can safely be given to a 6-12 year old. Absolutely fine for a 9 year old.

I'm guessing you're finding it hard right now with your ex having a new baby. It does feel weird when your kids are excited about someone who's never going to be a part of your life. And very normal to be anxious about your own child feeling left out - I was quite stressed about it when my ex had a new baby, despite an otherwise easy-going relationship with him.

But it's really early days for now, so your DS just needs lots of reassurance that his life with you is the same as ever, and that he'll soon be able to visit his dad as normal too. And he will learn to set his expectations in line with the kind of relationship he has with his dad.

Could you text your ex and congratulate him, and say how much DS is looking forward to seeing the photo of himself and the new baby? Might prompt them to send it over. My phone won't send photos if the signal is poor, or sometimes I think they're sent and they aren't.

Noeuf Mon 29-Feb-16 12:25:53

Why not get a congratulations card and send a photo of ds for the baby? It doesn't really matter what they do their end, but he might feel more involved?

mummytippy Mon 29-Feb-16 12:27:04

Thank you.

CrumblyBiscuits No, I haven't reminded them as I appreciate they are busy and have probably forgotten. If I was to remind them I can see it would be construed as me being nosey!... wanting to see a pic etc...

I also make the mistake of thinking people will base their actions on what I'd do myself (stupidly!) and as they should know a new baby causes such emotional anxiety in siblings I thought it would have been done... esp as DS said his DF took the photo with his phone and was texing people and FB'ing.

Thanks IvyKaty44 That's what I have been doing. GF's labour sounded very similar to mine with DS so I've already explained as best I could to him about that and the early days/weeks of baby arriving etc.

BertrandRussell Mon 29-Feb-16 12:32:12

Can't your ds just send his dad a text asking for the picture? No need for you to be involved at all, surely?

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