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Affair produced child and 10 years of deceit

(73 Posts)
Cocodog1234567 Sun 28-Feb-16 23:34:43

Hi all totally new to this but need to know if anyone been in my position. Found out 2 weeks ago partner of 18 years has a son with woman he had a short affair with the son is 10 years old. We have son who is 16. OH never told me she did. He finished affair but has had some contact with son behind my back. What can I do?? He says still loves and wants to be with me so confused !! Any advice appreciated

IamlovedbyG Sun 28-Feb-16 23:47:24

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Cocodog1234567 Sun 28-Feb-16 23:50:23

He has had limited contact, but paid maintenance. He said thought he could bury it and was trying to protect us

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 28-Feb-16 23:51:35

What can you do?

Either end this charade or brush it all under the carpet and pretend it doesn't matter. I can't see a third choice.

VimFuego101 Sun 28-Feb-16 23:53:38

Can you cope with him continuing contact with his son?

IamlovedbyG Sun 28-Feb-16 23:55:28

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Cocodog1234567 Sun 28-Feb-16 23:57:33

His contact has been limited he hasn't seen him for 2 years. He said he won't see him again if I don't want him to. I haven't responded to that. He keeps saying it was a big mistake and he was in a bad place at the time. He told the girl he had partner and child and would never leave us but she went ahead with pregnancy and has been blackmailing him ever sincr

TheVeganVagina Sun 28-Feb-16 23:57:34

What a huge shock for you. My first thought is for this innocent 10 year old boy. Its nos your choice where you want to go from here. If i was in yout situation i would be envouraging my partner to step up as a father to his child. But I couldn't stay after that level of deceit.

DancingDinosaur Sun 28-Feb-16 23:57:55

How did you find out op?

TheVeganVagina Sun 28-Feb-16 23:59:46

Dont blame the ow for continuing with her pregnancy. This is ALL your dp doing. Would you really stop him from seeing his son?

Cocodog1234567 Mon 29-Feb-16 00:02:44

No I wouldn't stop him at all. The problem is we have had a really good relationship for the last say 8 years and really do love each other

IamlovedbyG Mon 29-Feb-16 00:05:36

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sleeponeday Mon 29-Feb-16 00:15:43

How did you find out?

BerylStreep Mon 29-Feb-16 00:19:10

He's been lying for 10 years. That's a biggie.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 29-Feb-16 00:19:22

He loves you and wants to stay with you while the dreadful ex-lover has been blackmailing him for the last ten years. Poor lamb.

He's perpetrated the most vile betrayal and he's the wounded party in all this? Bollocks to that!

Tell him you want him to leave for a bit while you have a good think about what you want.

HeddaGarbled Mon 29-Feb-16 00:24:08

She wasn't blackmailing him. She was claiming legitimate child support.

He wasn't protecting you. He was protecting himself.

This has been a massive shock for you. Don't make any decisions while you are still reeling.

I think you need a bit of time away from him right now. Can you ask him to move out and give you a bit of space? Or if he won't, is there anywhere you can go?

Not just friends by Shirley Glass is a good read for helping you deal with the aftermath of an affair. Also maybe look at some counselling to process your feelings - not couples counselling yet, it's too new and raw to be moving to fixes just yet. You are going to need some time to get through your anger and hurt before you can deal with that.

Cocodog1234567 Mon 29-Feb-16 00:24:41

I found out through her she contacted me. Yes I need some space the more time goes past though I really don't think I can be with him x

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 29-Feb-16 00:30:15

So he didn't even come clean himself.

what would you say to a friend who told you this was happening to her?

ChickyChickyParmParm Mon 29-Feb-16 00:33:56

I don't think I'd be able to get past that. The life you've lived together was a lie. And he's willing to stop contact with his son on your say so? What a prize.

TheFormidableMrsC Mon 29-Feb-16 00:35:31

Huge shock and massively sorry for you, betrayal is horrific been there in spades, however, my first thought is the poor kid who didn't ask to be born, who he hasn't seen for TWO YEARS? What a feckin' mess...

Cocodog1234567 Mon 29-Feb-16 00:36:59

I have moved out and I am thinking about what to do heart say stay head says move on. Problem is we have a child together and a lot of history and love

DancingDinosaur Mon 29-Feb-16 00:37:01

So he didn't even tell you himself. And he wouldn't have done either. Personally, someone who was prepared to deceive me to that extent wouldn't be getting another chance. This is huge. How could you ever get back from this place? Its one thing if he'd fessed up years ago. But this? No way.

DancingDinosaur Mon 29-Feb-16 00:38:26

And he's willing to stop contact with his son on your say so? What a prize.

Oh yeah, and this too. The man is an absolute arse.

TheFormidableMrsC Mon 29-Feb-16 00:48:26

I really really feel for you OP, this is MASSIVE...if it were me? I'd move on. I wouldn't want to be with somebody who neglected his own flesh and blood to that extent...yes I get the "problem" of having a child together totally, I imagine the OW feels much the same. He hasn't been honest at all.

LeaLeander Mon 29-Feb-16 01:29:32

Whether you stay or leave, he must do his duty and try to provide that child with a father. Jesus. Poor kid.

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