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Why am I so annoyed about something so trivial?

(17 Posts)
Iadmit Sun 28-Feb-16 21:17:09

Before I start I'll just give a bit of background......I was, up until 18 months (ish) ago, NC with my parents for many reasons. I had an awful childhood, my mother was emotionally and physically abusive, and I went into care at 10 years old. Until 18 I was in and out of care, mother wanted me home then a few months later would decide she'd had enough of me then off I'd go again to another foster family. NC lasted nearly 7 years but our relationship is, in the most part, good now as I have managed to put a lot of my bitterness to bed and start again.

Now for my issue.....in the middle of the month I had a financial disaster (paid with something via paypal at end of Jan when money was in account, apparently paypal pay for the item themselves then recall the money from the attached account when they feel like it) and asked my mum if I could borrow £30 to buy essentials. All good, money went in straight away. It was only 4/5 days until pay day, which I told her. 7am on pay day I get a text, asking if I had paid the money into her account. I hadn't as I had only just got to work but I was annoyed that she felt the need to ask so early. She then text at 9am to ask if it was done yet and then at 7pm. I was unable to answer as I was working but, had she just checked her online banking, she would have seen that it was done very early on in the day.

The thing that has been annoying me, though, is that I have a younger brother who is awful with money (by younger he is 24 years old) and borrows hundreds off her nigh on every month and she never asks for it back and yet she hounds me for £30.

I know it's very trivial and, in the grand scheme of things, irrelevant but it's really getting on my nerves and I find myself getting irrationally wound up about it.

Please can someone slap me and tell me to get over myself?!

FWIW, I have never asked for anything from my mum before this, it was a one-off.

Hissy Sun 28-Feb-16 21:27:09

My love, I'm not slapping you, but I will ask you what were you honestly expecting from her?

She's always treated you like crap, now is no different.

What do you honestly want from a relationship with her?

Because you must know on some level that you're not going to get it. sad

I'm sorry, try to move on, it'll be be better for you in the long run.

AtSea1979 Sun 28-Feb-16 21:32:19

Just don't borrow any money from her again. Well to be honest, don't expect anything from her at all. You don't need her it's up to you whether you tolerate her.

228agreenend Sun 28-Feb-16 21:40:16

If your brother borrows large amounts of money regularly, then maybe your mum is short of cash and needed the £30 urgently.

Iadmit Sun 28-Feb-16 21:40:44

I know, I know blush I have been so guarded the past 18 months and felt like it had just started dropping as things have been going well (it really helps living quite far from her as I have been able to do things on my terms).

Things have been complicated by the fact that my ds thinks she's brilliant (to be fair she's a much better grandparent then she ever was a mother) and he idolises my dad (who I never had any kind of fall out with and missed every day but he was default NC as I could never maintain a relationship with him whilst being NC with my mum).

I won't borrow anything from her again, I know that for sure.

Iadmit Sun 28-Feb-16 21:44:42

Agreed 228 but, in my head, it would make more sense for her to hound my brother? As far as I'm aware my parents are financially fine (well, saying that, they seem to buy lots of furniture confused )

Like I said, it's trivial blush

Iadmit Sun 28-Feb-16 21:45:30

Agreed 228 but, in my head, it would make more sense for her to hound my brother? As far as I'm aware my parents are financially fine (well, saying that, they seem to buy lots of furniture confused )

Like I said, it's trivial blush

peaceoftheaction Sun 28-Feb-16 21:53:24

I don't think its trivial at all OP. You've been treated awfully not your fault throughout childhood and had a terrible time flowers
Even now you are being treated badly, by the same people.
Move away from them if they hurt you, and find nice people who value you. Your family are incapable of that. You have your own family now with your ds and you come first. The stately homes threads on here might be a good place to start.

228agreenend Sun 28-Feb-16 22:19:05

IT would make more sense to hound your brother, but it's probably easier to hound you. Maybe they feel embaressd asking your brother as he owes them a lot, or they know he can't (or won't) pay it face.

DoreenLethal Mon 29-Feb-16 08:29:54

It may be easier to hound your brother but that's not his role - that's yours.

She has been a nasty mother to you. You deserve better. This is just her way of showing you that she still is a nasty mother to you. Don't let your guard down, it will end in tears.

Joysmum Mon 29-Feb-16 08:35:43

Maybe she's written your brother off, but has not given up on you.

That's me being charitable and trying to see the best off her, in reality I don't think she's ever going to treat you equally or right sad

00100001 Mon 29-Feb-16 08:40:26

Sounds like she needs that £30 :/ probably because if your brother. She perhaps think s the same might happen, and might not want to get in to the same situation with you?

Either way, you now know she wants paying back asap if you ever borrow money from her again.

LineyReborn Mon 29-Feb-16 08:43:29

I don't think it's trivial, and I suspect deep down you realise that, which is why you can't shake off the feeling of resentment.

This kind of thing goes to the heart of your feelings of disappointment and hurt regarding your mother. I'd consider getting some talking therapy, and detatch. She's the person she is and that has sadly left a fracture in your life - but you can heal that, without her. In fact it's essential you do do it without her, as she's not the answer.

Marchate Mon 29-Feb-16 08:48:19

She has used the £30 as a new opportunity to demean and belittle you

Sadly, you can't let your guard down

Anniegetyourgun Mon 29-Feb-16 08:52:03

I think it's annoying you because it's trivial. If you owed her thousands which she needed desperately, the hounding would have been understandable. In this case it's thirty quid which she can apparently easily afford and if it were her son she would have shelled out without any expectation of return (which btw is really bad for him in the long term as well - she's no better a mother to him than she is to you, just a different kind of mistake). So why is she making such a fuss about something so small? It's not as if you were in the habit of needing to be chased up for stuff, and yet somehow she seems to see you as though you were.

Be grateful that this incident has happened as it has demonstrated that however well you get on nowadays you can't really trust her. She just isn't that kind of a mother.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 29-Feb-16 09:11:38

A sum of £30 has cost you emotionally to say the very least as well as financially. You must have felt really desperate to approach her in the first place given what she has put you through.

Your mother has not fundamentally altered and you just gave her a stick to further bash you with by asking her for the funds in the first place. She will never be the nice parent you so want her to be and it is not your fault she is the ways she is. You did not make her that way. Its ok not to seek her approval any more, she will never give you that anyway.

Presumably you have now resumed your no contact position with your parents.

You need to work out what role you are playing here within your dysfunctional family of origin; you are really the scapegoat for their inherent ills whilst your brother remains the favoured golden child. He therefore can do as he likes without any censure from mother dearest.
The golden child role is also a role not without price but he is unaware of that. Your dad is a weak man being both a bystander and her enabler; he has failed to protect you from her mad excesses of behaviour. Your parents have failed you abjectly.

I would also second the suggestions of you seeking out a therapist to deal with all this. You need to detach and raise your own too low boundaries a lot higher.

If they are too difficult for you to deal with its the same deal for your son as well. It does him no favours at all to see you as his mother being treated so poorly by his nan.

Vixxfacee Mon 29-Feb-16 09:14:25

You are not being unreasonable.

The thing is no matter how badly our parents treat us we hold on to that hope that one day they will be the mother that we want/need. I am really sorry but it isn't going to happen. It is hard to deal with but you aren't in the wrong for feeling that way. Your feelings are normal.

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