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Ds's "father"

(13 Posts)
NCjustforthis90 Sat 27-Feb-16 12:26:37

Ok so quick background. Was in a relationship for a year and a half with someone who I didn't realise at the time was emotionally abusive and very manipulative. He was also physically abusive on two occasions.

I fell pregnant and he moved in with his mum 250 miles away and has never met ds who is now one. He has sent me a grand total of ten pounds. He refuses to work or claim benefits to avoid contributing. He does do cash in hand work though. His family have no clue ds exists.

He didn't even wish ds a happy birthday. I do work but obviously things are tight sometimes. Anytime I have asked for money towards his son I have explained what it is for. Everytime he has made me feel guilty and unreasonable for asking.

I shouldn't be surprised but I will just never understand people abandoning their kids without a second thought. There's no point asking for money as he will just plead poverty. Sorry I'm unsure why I'm posting. Just wanted to get it off my chest as it angers and upsets me that he seems to have money for new things and going out but nothing for ds!

NCjustforthis90 Sat 27-Feb-16 12:39:59

I should add his own father walked out on him when he was a child and he blames that for being "fucked up" (his words)

Thesmallthings Sat 27-Feb-16 13:02:43

Tbh I would look.at it as a blessing. Seeing as he's family don't know about him ethier. You can walk away and your son will not have to put up with this "dad" in he's life coming g and going.

You ate doing fine and I toattly get the need to understand why but you won't get an answer you won't change him he won't suddenly start to care so do your self a favour and stop trying with him. All he's doing is giving you heart ach and a head ach.

Focus am on you and your son. Your both a million times better then him and don't deserve him in your life's

NCjustforthis90 Sat 27-Feb-16 13:09:43

Thanks for replying, you're totally right! I haven't asked him for anything since ds was 7 months. He requested that I didn't send any photos etc so I haven't. It's just annoying that we struggle sometimes that's all. For example if I have to take a day off if ds is ill, I lose a days pay which can make all the difference. It's just the frustration I suppose!

NCjustforthis90 Sat 27-Feb-16 13:11:56

Thanks for replying, you're totally right! I haven't asked him for anything since ds was 7 months old. He specifically asked me not to send any photos or updates so I haven't. It's just annoying that we struggle sometimes that's all. For example, if ds is ill, I lose a days pay which can make all the difference sometimes. It's frustrating sometimes!

NCjustforthis90 Sat 27-Feb-16 13:12:29

Thanks for replying, you're totally right! I haven't asked him for anything since ds was 7 months old. He specifically asked me not to send any photos or updates so I haven't. It's just annoying that we struggle sometimes that's all. For example, if ds is ill, I lose a days pay which can make all the difference sometimes. It's frustrating sometimes!

Hesjustabigknobheadwithnoknob Sat 27-Feb-16 13:46:00

I know how you must be feeling. DS1's "father" abused me emotionally and mentally all throughout my pregnancy and beyond. He was really possessive, he would go through my phone (right in front of me as if it were his right to do so) and did many many horrible things to me. I moved to another city and started full time uni when DS was only 1. It took me years to recover from the abuse. The "father" is a solicitor and has paid ZERO maintenance over the last 9 years. He claims he hasn't got any money. I chased him for it once through CSA, he agreed to pay but then never paid anything. I gave up and decided I didn't need his money. I have my kid and he's just wonderful.
I guess I'm posting this to tell you that I know it's frustrating but you'll be fine. Time does make things better. And I know you must be struggling so please make sure you claim all the benefits you're entitled to. You're a hardworking mother and you deserve all the help there is!
flowers for you

Hesjustabigknobheadwithnoknob Sat 27-Feb-16 13:46:29

I know how you must be feeling. DS1's "father" abused me emotionally and mentally all throughout my pregnancy and beyond. He was really possessive, he would go through my phone (right in front of me as if it were his right to do so) and did many many horrible things to me. I moved to another city and started full time uni when DS was only 1. It took me years to recover from the abuse. The "father" is a solicitor and has paid ZERO maintenance over the last 9 years. He claims he hasn't got any money. I chased him for it once through CSA, he agreed to pay but then never paid anything. I gave up and decided I didn't need his money. I have my kid and he's just wonderful.
I guess I'm posting this to tell you that I know it's frustrating but you'll be fine. Time does make things better. And I know you must be struggling so please make sure you claim all the benefits you're entitled to. You're a hardworking mother and you deserve all the help there is!
flowers for you

cocochanel21 Sat 27-Feb-16 15:45:16

Your better off without him. My Dd1 dad fucked off when I was pregnant and deined she was his. I was 15 at the time. 10yrs later he reappeared for a couple of mths then fucked off again never paid any maintenance ever. When she was an adult she did have contact with him but he was never there for her when she needed him.
Sadly my dd died last year she was 23. He's supposedly meant to be devastated and can't cope he contacted me recently asking for photos of dd when she was younger I didn't reply.

Your son deserves better than him in his life he will grow up and know his mum was always there for him. Good luck flowers

Hesjustabigknobheadwithnoknob Sat 27-Feb-16 16:42:33

I'm so sorry for your loss cocochanel flowers

NCjustforthis90 Sat 27-Feb-16 17:35:31

Thank you everyone, you're all so kind.

Hesjust I don't know how these "men" look at themselves! He cheated on me all the time we were together then had the nerve to question the parentage of ds!

cocochanel all the flowers in the world for you.

cocochanel21 Sat 27-Feb-16 18:02:20

Thanks for the flowers . There is some good one's out there.
My now DH was a fantastic step-dad too my dd.
Take care.

Hesjustabigknobheadwithnoknob Sat 27-Feb-16 18:09:12

I know, right? Pathetic! The best thing that you can do is try to move on and build a life for yourself and ds. It gets easier in time and the frustration slowly fades away. flowers

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