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Should I stay or should I go

(4 Posts)
Viv77 Fri 26-Feb-16 12:33:27

I really don't know what to do. A bit of background for you I've been with my husband for 13 years been married 11 years and have two children aged 2 and 6 months old.

Before I met my husband I was mucked around by guys and knew that in order for me to be happy and have a quiet life I needed to go with someone that was dependable and who I loved and that's exactly what I found in my husband. Although the butterflies and fireworks weren't as big in the beginning of the relationship they were there and I was happy.

For seven years life was good we were building a life together but problems arose when we started to try for a baby. It took four years for me to become pregnant with our first but 3 years into the infertility I really started to take it badly emotionally and my husband just weren't there for me as in he's not the type to give hugs or reassure me that things will be ok. The only time he shows me affection is when we sleep together which he nearly always initiates. Since having my first child I have had a bad falling out with my mum as in we don't speak and she hasn't even met my children I tried to reach out to her when I had my second child but she never does anything wrong so I knew we could not work things out. Every now and again I cry that I don't have my mother around and again I get no hugs or words of reassurance from my husband.

During trying for the baby I somehow managed to get close with someone I knew from around my way. I didn't mean for things to go in that direction and we never slept together although there was enough opportunities to but I enjoyed all the attention I was getting from him at a time when I was feeling so low. I know I'm probably going to get abuse on here but I feel like my husband has let me down I know that I was wrong but I don't think I'm completely to blame for what happened with this other guy.

I've told my husband over and over that I need a hug every now and again and he does nothing. This morning I was crying and he asked why I was upset I said it's nothing you've done but it's the same stuff to do with my Mum and he just left me there to cry. Who does that? I've tried on several occasions to speak to him about his lack of affection and even told him that I got close to someone else because of it and told him I kissed the guy etc and he decided to stay with me but has not changed one bit. He's still happy to sleep with me and carry on as normal but when I'm upset is not there for me.

My problem is the affection side of things is not there with my husband apart from sex and I need more I don't feel like he will ever change. I don't know what to do as I've spoken to him. My husband is not interested in going to counselling as he thinks he's done nothing wrong.

I feel like in a marriage you should be best friends as well as lovers and he should be the first person I turn to if there are any problems but I can't

Also I can't get this guy out of my head and can't stop thinking if things were different and I weren't married would he be the person that would tick all boxes for me.

Opinions please will be much appreciated.

TheNaze73 Fri 26-Feb-16 12:37:26

I see two problems here & it may be chicken an egg & easily resolved. You need cuddles, which he doesn't initiate, he needs sex, which you don't initiate. He should "get that" per se, however if one or you broke the negative chain, I'm sure it'd help the situation. He probably feels as unwanted & unloved by being the one that initiates sex all the time. Hope you can sort it

Cabrinha Fri 26-Feb-16 12:47:36

If it was only physical affection - the hugs - I think you could live with it. You can feel supported without hugs - by hand holding, by him listening, or him speaking out about your mum. Something.

My boyfriend and I are v v touchy feely. His wife of 20 years (cancer sad) just wasn't. He loves that we hug all the time. But he still had a loving happy long marriage with no complaints - he still felt loved and supported by her.

People who don't hug can find that quite false and awkward to start.

I would say stay if it were simply that he doesn't hug you. But it's not that, is it? It's feeling supported overall.

I think I'd be pushed towards counselling as an ultimatum rather than as an option.

Viv77 Fri 26-Feb-16 13:21:07

My husband really doesn't listen to me I have told him that if he cuddled me a bit more held my hand and listened really listened to what I had to say and understood my feelings he would probably get me initiating sex much more and it would be better in the long run for him. I talk but its like I've said nothing. It's frustrating me that I'm telling him we have a problem and he does nothing.

I only told him about the guy to show him how bad things got for me and how lonely I felt. He's done it several times left me to cry but I think I'm getting to the point now where I can't take it any more.

He is suppose to be my husband and care about me but I feel like he doesn't.

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