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How do you know when it's over

(5 Posts)
kitkat321 Fri 26-Feb-16 11:18:27

I know for some people it might be obvious i.e. fighting/arguing etc but what about when you just don't feel anything for them any more?

I've been with my partner for 10+ years, we have a 1 year old daughter.

He's a good dad, has a good job. He's not aggressive or violent but he is grumpy and moody and in my opinion lazy. He thinks that after a full day's work he's entitled to sit on his arse all night while I tidy up, make bulk dinners for the wee one etc. If I push him on it he blames me and says I'm to impatient and not everything needs done now.

He's quite an anti social person - spends his evenings sitting on front of the tv in his games room. Can't remember the last time we went out together or spent time just the two of us but whenever we do we don't have much to talk about as he's generally a bit dull and closed off.

I've reached the point where I now think I'd be as well on my own - I do pretty much everything myself, we don't interact much - in the last week we've probably only had a handful of conversations. At night I've tended to sleep in the spare room as I have no desire to sleep beside him.

I just don't really feel anything for him - he is a nice person and good with our daughter in terms of playing with her etc but doesn't take on his share of the responsibility.

Part of me things just make the break but another part is thinking of the logistics of it - selling the house, moving back with my mum for a while to let me save up for my own place, how I'd cope on my own with a full time job, a toddler and a dog?? Then I get a bit overwhelmed and think well thing's aren't that bad maybe I'll just keep plodding along.

I'm not really sure what to do next and I know his response when I talk to him will be to get upset and to promise to change (we've been through this before). Things will change for a while but then we'll eventually end up back in the same rut!

LittleLegs25 Fri 26-Feb-16 11:54:45

Before I met my husband I was with my DD's dad. I knew it was over because the thought of meeting someone new excited me. If you want to be with someone then you shouldn't feel like that. This was 7 years ago and im now happily married to a wonderful man.

He's clearly unhelpful and has no interest in being your partner, he wants to be your man child.

kitkat321 Fri 26-Feb-16 12:02:27

He is like a man child - it's honestly like living with a stroppy, lazy teenager.

It's not that I necessarily think about being with someone else but I do sometimes see my friends partners doing things that my partner doesn't - basic DIY for example. They just seem to be a bit more motivated to do things whereas mine want's to sit watching tv or on his phone all the time.

I'm not a damsel in distress or anything but it would be nice to have someone who looks after their family rather than the other way round.

I now just need to think about how to have the conversation and how it works in practice i.e. do I move out now, does he move out, can we get the house sold without making a loss (new build, only a year old!).

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 26-Feb-16 12:51:02

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?. Think about that.

He is not a good dad to his child if he treats you as her mother like this. Is this how your own dad treated your mother?. Is this what you envisaged for your own self when growing up?.

Women often write such guff like the he's a good dad comment when they can write nothing at all positive about their man; you have described him variously as lazy, grumpy, anti social and moody. You still think he is a good dad to his child?. He does the barest of bare minimums and he playing with your child is what he should be doing anyway. You seem grateful he is doing that which shows me also how low your own relationship bar actually is.

Is this really what you want your DD to learn about relationships, you are showing her that currently at least this is acceptable to you and you hold on because of a "better the devil you know" mentality. Is that what you want her to learn too?. More fool you if that is the case. He getting "upset" when you talk to him is probably him trying to manipulate you as well.

Such men like the one you describe do not change; he will remain a selfish and entitled manchild. Presumably he has never mentioned the word marriage either.

What is the situation re the property and finances. Honestly making the break now will be far easier than in say 5 years time. You would really be better off apart. Time to set the ball rolling.

kitkat321 Fri 26-Feb-16 14:33:52

I think I was spoiled by having the most helpful dad in the world - he never stopped and I actually think my mum gave him too much to do and took advantage of his good nature.

Marriage isn't something that either of us want so can't blame that on him.

Re finances, I'm the breadwinner so have a good salary and savings to set myself and my daughter on our own if need be.

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