Help me to stay away from him

[Oldname]

This might be long and rambling but here goes...

Been seein exdp for 18 months - however we've broken up more times than I can remember within that time, never lasting for longer than a month or two. After quite a break he got back in touch and promised he'd changed (he was uncommitted previously). We tried again and had made it to three months.

When we're together it's perfect, supportive and loving etc. but when he's away it all goes wrong. He cannot deal with any sort of criticism from me, if I say I need something different it usually ends in us breaking up. He has lots of femal friends who he confides in and vice versa. We booked a holiday together last year and because we had broken up he took somebody else in my place - think once in a lifetime holiday. He has never paid me back for the ticket he took away from me.
I have never met any of his family, there is always a reason - next week, next month etc etc but it's been too long now and I don't feel like we're any further forward than we were 18 months ago.
So I said as much to him and predictably we've split up. He becomes very nasty when this happens and I panic, try to take it back so we can go back to being together.
I don't think we have a future but am constantly second guessing myself - I love him and he has made a lot of effort this time. Some thing just feels off. I can't bear the thought of not being with him but actually I'm pretty unhappy and paranoid most of the time.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to get over him, keep away and stop being ever hpeful that he'll change properly?

[Suddenlyseymour]

Jesus H. He's done a real number on you; has you exactley where he wants you. Took someone else on holiday and hasn't paid you back? Where is your self respect? He has no respect for you and knows damn well if he goes to his default position at the first sign of disagreement (nastiness and "it's over") then you will do anything and subjugate yourself to stay in this "relationship".

I know that sounds harsh, but you sound lovely and it's distressing to read how low he has brought you. You say you love him but that's just not enough. He treats you awfully. Please take a step back and ask if his is the sort of "relationship" you want

[Cabrinha]

Write out a card: "why do I love a man who stole my money?" and stick it on your fridge door so you see it every day.

And find a counsellor where you can discuss why you think that is love.

[Suddenlyseymour]

The only thing that works in getting over this is reclaiming your power (blocking him - stops you jumping at every text and as the days pass it gets easier) and time, time and more time. You need to be your own caretaker here.

[Suddenlyseymour]

And what cabrinha said!! Bang on.

[TheNaze73]

From experience & talking to others, cold turkey is the option that seems to be the most effective. Short term pain, long term gain & no doubt very tough to start if you love him

[FetchezLaVache]

I wouldn't be surprised if he'd engineered the breakup shortly before the holiday. He sounds like a right cunt. Why do you think that's all you deserve?

[Oldname]

Thank you, I needed to hear that. I really doubt myself and worry I'm expecting too much, that it's my fault. He tells me he's never committed so much to anyone else (his commitment is changing a FB status).
Everyone questions why I took him back after the holiday thing, I can't answer that. I did go to counselling last year and I think it stems from low self esteem. Feel a bit stronger these days but still took him back!

[Oldname]

Yes that thought has crossed my mind about the holiday. When we got back together this time he said he'd pay for us to go to make it up to me. I've asked a couple of times when this might happen - which again ends up in an almighty row because I'm always having a go at him and don't appreciate the effort he makes.

[Oldname]

Have blocked him. Will have to hand over his things then can hopefully move on.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why do you panic when you split up again?. Are you really that scared of being on your own, have people instilled in you the belief that you are really nothing without a man?.

You still have very low self esteem and worth and you take him back because you think that you really deserve no better from a relationship. That probably all stems from your own past and childhood; what did you learn about relationships when growing up and what example did your parents set you?.

I would also consider re-entering counselling and really get to the heart of why you have persisted with this at all when it is clear it has no legs in it. You need to look at your own part in keeping this going and unlearning all the crap about relationships you have learnt along the way.

I would also read up on co-dependency within relationships and see how much of those behaviours relate to your own self. You may have also got caught up in the "sunken costs" fallacy; that basically keeps people in bad relationships far longer too.

[Oldname]

I know exactly where the low self esteem comes from Attila. My Dad was a horrible man and would ask my friends why they hung around with me - I was only a kid. He treated me like he hated me.
I know all that but I just can't seem to believe any other. I honestly believe that exp is far better than I could ever manage and I wonder why he was ever with me at all.

[Oldname]

Attila yes I suppose I am scared of growing old alone.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your last two posts are very eloquent.

Love your own self for a change. There's a thought isn't it and perhaps one you have never considered either.

I would urge you to re-enter counselling (BACP are good) and start to properly unlearn all the crap you have learnt along the way starting with your dad's relationship with you. Its going to be hard going but it will be so worth it.

You may well have subconsciously picked men like your emotionally abusive dad because that is all that you have really known. No-one has bothered to show you what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is like so your own template is flawed and you end up in a series of dead end unhealthy relationships. Some abusive men like supposedly strong women but with a shaky sense of self worth because they see them as a challenge to bring down to their level. Your ex has done precisely this with you. it was never a healthy relationship from the start; the constant highs and lows show as much. You and he need to be apart and stay apart now. You will never have peace otherwise.

You're afraid of growing old alone but you are really alone with this man who thinks so little of you and sees you as a convenience. It is better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

[Cabrinha]

More scared than of growing old with a man who steals your money?

Look, I'm focusing on the money because it's a nice easy unemotional point. Anything else, you can argue "oh but he's just like that"

Bottom line: he stole your money

Bollocks to him paying next time. He wouldn't. But anyway, doesn't stop him paying you back then you just paying your own way in the mythical next time.

If you're scared of being alone, consider these things:

• date a thieving arsehole, and you are guaranteed to end up alone - because he'll spit you out when he's done
  
• date a thieving arsehole and you won't meet a decent man
  

So - can't you focus on your fear of ending up alone, and use that to make you QUICKER to dump pricks?

Sorry about your dad

Forget dating and stick to counselling for a wee bit... You're further ahead than many cos you can see what's brought you here.

[Oldname]

Wow, thank you for taking the time to reply, it's really helpful. Something I can come back to and read when I'm feeling low and need a reminder.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I wouldn't be handing his things back. I'd sell them and if the sum realised from the sale was less than what he owed me for the holiday, I'd pursue him in the Small Claims Court for the balance.

[Oldname]

My half of the holiday was £800. Stupidly I agreed to him being lead name on the booking - didn't realise what that meant, thought he'd just deal with admin. When we broke up that time the holiday company wouldn't even speak to me - he changed my name on the ticket despite me not agreeing and that was the end of that. Was my dream to go - don't think I've ever forgiven him for that to be honest. Just kept going back in spite of what he's done.
There is other stuff too. His ex massively came between us - she would turn up when I was there, ring him for no reason, they went on holiday together last year during one of our breaks. I don't think they're together as shehas a new boyfriend but something definitelyt wasn't right.
I've thought about contacting her to maybe get some answers but don't know if that would help.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

Copperbuzz, don't waste your time contacting her. He's been galavanting with other women, he stole your money, he messes you around. He might appear to have made more of an effort with you this time, but in the grand scheme of things he is still a commitment phobic who couldn't last more than 3 months. He's also a man who gets nasty when you fall out rather than being able to have an adult conversation.

Ask yourself, would you rather be old and alone (which probably won't happen but as you said you're afraid of that, it's worth asking) or be old, unhappy and on the outside not alone but in reality you are alone because he leaves you every 5 minutes, you are unable to trust him (quite rightly) and you can't tell him your true feelings like in a normal adult relationship.

You deserve a man, not a child. You deserve someone to treat you right, not like shit. You deserve someone who does not steal from you. Most of all, you deserve someone who actually loves you and is willing to stick around even when the going gets tough.

[choceclair123]

Id take him to Small Claims Court at the very least. What a twat!