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Men who think they are only worth what they can earn

(179 Posts)
Lovetruelove Thu 25-Feb-16 19:51:46

Just add your thoughts on this one!

In the last 3 years I have had 2 men ( creative types) who are very talented but don't earn a lot of money saying ( heard through other people) I don't think she would be interested in me as I don't have this and that ect.

I am not materlistic at all so can not see where this is from - is this a common theme with men - 'women only want us for our money?

silverfoxofwarwick1952 Thu 25-Feb-16 20:00:04

No, I do not think its a common theme. However it is important that a man knows he should try to provide security for his partner in all its forms.

Lovetruelove Thu 25-Feb-16 20:06:36

Agree silverfox but I think a woman should equally provide - what if your man became poorly and you had to take care of them - this is why I work even with children.

Lovetruelove Thu 25-Feb-16 20:49:27

Maybe this should have been a question for dads net?

thedancingbear Thu 25-Feb-16 20:57:18

I think it's an expectation that comes from women (NAWALT) - viz. Silverfox's above post.

Lovetruelove Thu 25-Feb-16 21:02:29

It's sad I wish men wouldn't assume for me smile

Piemernator Thu 25-Feb-16 22:33:19

In the past men were often seen as breadwinners. I know MIL married FIL as he had good prospects.

Now I personally could not be doing with an arty type. It's not that I dislike art, poetry and music music and the like but there is sometimes a theme among arty types to ve a bit self indulgent, thinking of ''musicians" my friends have dated.

Poetry autocorrected to poverty above which gave me a small laugh. Health and love are important but being poor is very hard.

Lovetruelove Thu 25-Feb-16 22:48:01

Yes I agree with the 'self indulgent' theme - many arty men is all about 'me' all the time - maybe that's their problem their thinking 'poor me' rather than what I'm thinking lol - having said that I have sampled the high life and also been very poor - while being very poor was unpleasant through my life it's the people who make it -

Justaboy Fri 26-Feb-16 00:14:50

Well FWIW been doing OLD recently an thus far 6 women all with some problem or other mainly a lack of "baggage" reclaim;!. They were all very interested in how much i earn't or made, one of them was almost asking me for the company accounts plus bank statements! I kid ye not!.

Atenco Fri 26-Feb-16 01:32:27

Mmm, not the same, but my ex thought that he was more important when he had money, just something he'd learnt from his father and not being the reflective type...

Redroses11 Fri 26-Feb-16 01:37:24

I feel better when I'm contributing.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Fri 26-Feb-16 01:41:38

I don't care how much money a man makes. I'd rather have a poorly paid man who is educated, intelligent and has a similar social attitude to me.

I don't care how big his house is, how much money is in the bank or what car he drives.

As long as he works, is a decent human being, and lives as one, money is immaterial.

I'm more interested in good grammar than I am in bank balances.

EBearhug Fri 26-Feb-16 01:46:34

I think if you're the sort of person who's been brought up to think your value is in what you earn, it can be difficult to recognise others may not think that way. I suspect it's more prevalent in men, because of traditional stereotypes about breadwinner roles, and a successful man bringing home a lot of bacon.

HelenaDove Fri 26-Feb-16 01:47:35

Agree with Folk Girl.

However i once said to someone i was dating that i wasnt materialistic and he saw it as the green light to time me in the shower and moan about his water meter costs every time i washed a piece of fruit to eat.

because of this experience wouldnt be saying it to a bloke again.

HelenaDove Fri 26-Feb-16 01:48:41

sorry i meant I wouldnt say it to a bloke again.

arsenaltilidie Fri 26-Feb-16 02:13:47

I personally don't think DW would have given me a chance had I been a cleaner. I'm sure she would have came up with "lack of ambition" nonsense.
But at the end of the day money plays a huge part in how attractiveness of a man.
Money, Height and Charisma.

SoThatHappened Fri 26-Feb-16 02:39:46

I've not found that. Ive found they have found that I am only worth what I can earn.

One asked me straight up about debts...did I have any and found I didnt. Seemed happy that at least I didnt.

One of them looked at me quite unimpressed that I said I couldnt afford £70 for something fairly insignificant. £70 is a lot of money, it isn't small change.

I've been judged by guys for my earnings not the other way around.

lancomeonpaws Fri 26-Feb-16 02:43:44

I think it depends on the indiivdial (my two favourite men - one is very rich and one is very poor!)

I think for men AND women it's nice to be competent and challenged and stimulated?

And financial independence grows one's self-esteem, which is attractive. Work is a possible avenue to that.

Work is about so much more than money, it's about meeting new people and personal growth and staying open minded and in the mainstream.

Also, stuff like debt, bad financial management can really fuck up a families life (and this is not necessarily due to earning high or low amounts!)

also, "Poor" can mean

"I have made a conscious choice to work low hours so I can run a frugal, alternative lifestyle, am financially self-sufficient.

I don't crave "stuff", and use my spare time to meditate, work out, and read proper books and seriously practice an instrument.

I am a giving person and share what I have. I am open-minded and open to relationships with women with a similar mindset."

OR it can mean

"I'm a bit of a leech who moans about how women only like doctors and lawyers with fast cars.

Although I expect women to ignore my lack of conventional social status - or I label them shallow gold-digging bitches - I myself demand a hot 23 year old childless blonde girlfriend

Rather than self-improvement I like to do research on Youtube about "tricks" to get women and claim women don't like Nice Guys.

I slag off rich people whilst secretly wanting to be one of them."

Lanark2 Fri 26-Feb-16 04:35:40

Um in any discussion about red flags, cocklodgers, etc there is an implied message that lack of money is a 'sign' of relationship unsuitability.

The weird thing is that ambitious women will get the best earning capacity out of a man by being supportive of him withing a mutually supportive relationship, but a lot of women want the chicken before the egg.

Cabrinha Fri 26-Feb-16 07:41:31

OK, this is anecdote, but stop and think how many times on Relationships do women mention that they earn less (often lots less) than their boyfriend, or that they moved in with him (which suggests he was the one with the home and by implication money)? All the time - even before children dents women's income and future earning capacity.

I think there are a number of factors:
- women earn less, the pay gap, simple unfair maths
- many women strive for less, the research is there about men applying for jobs if under qualified, women only if over qualified
- a tendency for young women to date slightly older men - so they've already started working, got their first promotion
- this perpetuating the experience of the high earning male, so that neither gender is embarrassed by it, they expect it

I see on here constantly, when women describe absolute shits of men "he's a good provider".

As a whole, our society still thinks a man supports a woman. So if I was a man, I probably would think it would change how a woman perceived me.

Lovetruelove Fri 26-Feb-16 07:48:44

Folkgirl agree with what you said - rather have an impoverished academic over a rich uneducated t*at any day.

Agree with most points Lancome said.
I have one friend who says she's not into money but expects everyone to support her while she doesn't work - bit like trust fund syndrome ( my own phase hehe).

I supposed the point I was making specifically was men who are talented and work and are motivated but don't bring in swaths of cash who seem to think that's all women want, even types like me which surprised me😀

Cabrinha Fri 26-Feb-16 07:48:50

Justaboy I expect you skew results though, because you're in your 60s - where wealth is more fixed, and because you're OLD - where filtering is a feature of choice more blatantly than real life.

I personally am much more interested in my partner's finances now that I'm of an age where my eye is on retirement.

I dated someone who earned far less than me, but honestly it was a big turn off that'd he had no savings or plans for retirement. Day to day, I paid for most things (cinema etc). I didn't mind at all, I could afford it and he didn't expect it. But that was fine now I'm working. But when I retire, I don't want to carry someone. Does that sound harsh? If I met someone and fell in love - it wouldn't matter. If I loved a higher earner who lost everything - it wouldn't matter. But in early days OLD filtering, then I'm definitely put off someone who would later reduce my retirement standard of living substantially.

My fiancé earns half what I do, so I don't consider myself materialistic - I'm not looking for a man to increase my wealth. I chose to walk away from a lot of money I could have taken in divorce. But in the OLD stage if I was 60... Damn right I'd want to weed out someone with lots of debt!

Secretlove Fri 26-Feb-16 08:00:31

The only man I know who said 'women are only after my money' (on our first date) was tight as a gnat's arse. It was embarrassing - refused to tip, bought everything in loose change, took me to asda for a meal and still expected me to pay half.

He also said on the first date he was looking for a 'serious relationship.' What he actually meant was he was 53, living with his parents after his divorce and couldn't wait to shack up with someone with their own place. After I ended it, he kept contacting me to say he would love to know why I dumped him. (Did I mention the alcoholism, smoking and smelly feet?)

I don't consider myself materialistic but these days I could not go out with a man who was broke. In my student days maybe but not at my stage of life.

MephistophelesApprentice Fri 26-Feb-16 08:00:50

As a man who dates, women are very interested in 'ambition' as measured by potential future earnings. The difference in interest between when I was an 'Administrator' and 'Coordinator' is remarkable, despite the ostensibly egalitarian principles of the women I meet.

TheNaze73 Fri 26-Feb-16 08:01:36

This message board has been a real eye opener for me over the last couple of months. I've discovered some horrendous make traits that I never thought existed & know it doesn't apply to all. Just like I've heard a lot of you girls talk about a lot of blokes are only out for one thing there are woman out there Lovetruelove who do the same with guys, which is why we've conditioned ourselves to it, to answer your question. I used to play down my circumstances at the start of my relationship, my house was rented, played down my job etc, for that exact reason. Certainly not all women, like it's not all men just after sex but, same sort of scenario

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