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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I say anything or just leave it?

662 replies

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:12

Hugely long-time lurker. Created account and would appreciate any advice.

Last evening I popped DH's coat on to quickly go to the car and found two tickets for an afternoon showing at the local cinema in the pocket. We've lived in this area for four months (and for one of those we were back in our home country for Christmas) , I didn't know DH knew anyone well enough out of the family to go to the movies with. Casually asked DH what he did with his day (he works from home most days, I am office-based) and he said "conference calls mainly and a stroll into town for a coffee this morning" and that was it.

I don't mind him going to the movies and would certainly like him to make friends in our new town (new country actually) so why didn't he just tell me what he has been doing?

I know, I know I should just outright ask him but am not sure I really want to know the answer. Been awake all night thinking of all the times he has been out and to be honest it isn't many at all, mainly he goes to running club which he walks to in his sports gear. He's been very chirpy lately. I just thought he was happy with our move but who knows now? Before Christmas I was away with work and DD mentioned he was out twice til after midnight. Didn't think anything of it at the time but now I am wondering. Any advice on how to approach this or should I just leave it?

OP posts:

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pinkcan · 25/02/2016 15:18

I would not say anything to him because if he is up to no good he will hide the evidence even deeper and be more careful.

My husband has cheated on me and I have read lots about it on here and the upshot is they don't admit cheating if you all you can present to them are little clues like your cinema tickets and late nights. They only admit it if faced with concrete evidence.

I would not forget about the cinema tickets, I would be vigilant about keeping an eye on him.

Pinkheart5915 · 25/02/2016 15:22

If it was me over dinner with my husband tonight I'd just say " so did you enjoy {film name} " just to see how he reacted

hellsbellsmelons · 25/02/2016 15:28

I would just tackle it head on.
Make out you know more than you do.
Let him dig himself a hole.
Did you move for his work?
Maybe that it's a colleague he has known a while and this move ties it all up nicely for him?
It's all sounding very dodgy I'm afraid.

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:34

We actually moved for my work. Whilst he is still working for the same company he did in our previous location, the local office is staffed with completely different personnel. DH had one trip (three days) to Head Office in a different city last month.

I can honestly say that since our Christmas trip back home, he hasn't been out once in the evenings on his own, just with me or DCs. We do have a few friends here but we see them as a couple. I just don't know when or where he would have met another woman or when he would see her. The two nights he came home after midnight when I was away, well we'd only been here a month.

I don't think I could outright ask him about the film, if I am honest.

OP posts:

OldestStory · 25/02/2016 15:36

I think he would see her in the afternoons, by the sounds of it.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 25/02/2016 15:38

I'm not normally one for snooping OP but of it were me I'd be very tempted to keep those tickets and perhaps rey and get a nosey at his phone or laptop. Why wouldn't he just say if there was an innocent explanation?!

hellsbellsmelons · 25/02/2016 15:38

Could you do it the PA way?
DH I really want to see XYZ at the cinema. Do you fancy it? Is it a film you'd like to see? Etc....

Fugghetaboutit · 25/02/2016 15:45

Just show him the tickets and ask him why he lied, don't dick around. Also ask for his phone on the spot after asking him about the tickets

Drew64 · 25/02/2016 15:48

Why the fuck can't you ask him, he's your husband!

LucyLocketX · 25/02/2016 15:51

What hellsbells said.

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 15:54

I don't want to ask him because I am not sure I want to know the answer.

On the one hand, him seeing another woman is a ridiculous idea. We've been mad busy since we moved here doing all the things you have to do - new home and everything that goes with that, schools for the kids, work permits and tons of other documentation, new work environments for both of us. There is just no time for DH to bring someone else into the equation.

Then again, the tickets. And the two nights out which I didn't think twice of at the time and now can't stop thinking about. The only saving grace there is we hadn't been here long and I don't think he would have had time to meet anyone.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2016 15:59

My ex husband was seeing a married woman and a lot of their encounters took place in working hours, just after work, that sort of thing. Like you, I thought there was no time, no opportunity, but the thing is that if both of them have commitments, they find a way of making it work.

If he hasn't had time to meet someone, then it's someone he's known before. I hate to say it but I think if they are at the point of going to the cinema together, they've known each other a while.

I would really be on your guard now.

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2016 15:59

Were the tickets dated?

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2016 16:00

I've just re-read and you say he's working from home. What makes you think he doesn't have any opportunity?

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 16:05

Neither of us knew anyone in the area before we moved here. It is possible he knew someone previously through work at the HQ of his company but that's a very, very long way away from here, not likely that person would be able to pop over for an afternoon cinema screening.

As he mainly works from home, he is usually there in the morning when I leave and he's there when the kids come home from school at 3-ish. We've had dinner together every evening unless I have had a work commitment. We also have a housekeeper who is there every week day so he couldn't bring anyone back to the house.

I feel a bit silly now I have written it all out.

OP posts:

Drew64 · 25/02/2016 16:06

So you've discovered two tickets to the cinema, your husband as much as denied going, you certainly didn't go with him and your not going to talk to him about it.
Good luck!

CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 16:08

The tickets were dated yesterday afternoon at 12:30. He picked the kids up at 3pm as it was raining (they usually walk). Hardly time for a romantic afternoon.

OP posts:

becauseican · 25/02/2016 16:08

can I ask what your plan is if you feel you can't say anything?

Joysmum · 25/02/2016 16:09

I'd keep the tickets and not mention it but keep digging.

mrswishywashy1 · 25/02/2016 16:11

He puts his penis in your vagina but you can't bring yourself to ask him about two cinema tickets?

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2016 16:11

I think before you ask him, you have to think what you would do if it's a worst case scenario.

I doubt he's gone with a bloke - surely he would just tell you?

Unless you want to go down the spying route, I think it's time to just ask him when he's least expecting it, when he's face to face with you and when you are prepared for his possible answers.

It's really horrible, I know. The fact is, if it's innocent, surely he would have said, "Hey, I met a new friend yesterday and we went to the cinema"?

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2016 16:12

mrswishywashy, it's not like that. She's asking about the future of her relationship, not just about the bloody tickets!

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CarsonTheButler · 25/02/2016 16:12

My plan is just to see what (if anything) happens. I don't know when I would get to look on his phone but can certainly look on his PC as it's set up downstairs and we use it to Skype family and friends etc. It wouldn't be unusual or considered snooping if me or DCs used it.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 25/02/2016 16:13

You have a housekeeper who is there every day?

elflim · 25/02/2016 16:14

I think you've got two options.

Either immediately confront, or wait until you dig up more evidence (there may be none).

But he's directly lied to you about his whereabouts, in a way which raises significant suspicions. But it could well be innocent. Maybe he went with a male friend / colleague, but wanted to convey the impression he's working hard during the day.

So I would confront, otherwise you'll sit and worry.

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