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Bossy SIL

(14 Posts)
FrancisdeSales Thu 25-Feb-16 00:06:43

If any of this seems a bit OTT for a British family I should just explain my ILS are American and I am in the US. I have been married 20 years and have realised over that time that my DHs parents are very controlling although they were divorced just before we got married. We had a short engagement and I didn't know his family before we married.

There's plenty of stories about how they have treated me and how they idolize my DH. I wasn't too affected as we often lived hundreds of miles away and then lived in another nation for years.

We came back to the US recently and the true onslaught of their need to be over involved in our lives is really difficult for me. We still live a long way from them but they are always demanding (not asking) to come and stay with us.

Last weekend we had a brief visit to their area. While I was there we stayed in a hotel and then I left on Sunday as eldest dd couldn't miss any school.

DH and younger DCS stayed for an extra day at SILs. DD has just told me SIL told her she is going to "send" her DD to stay with us. Naturally noone has asked me and I doubt DH knows either. They were trying to "send" another young adult relative with lots of problems to us a month ago! We told them this individual is an adult and needs to take care of their own issues.

I feel so incensed - I feel they see us as the extended families safety valve and I am never consulted just told what they have planned. I no longer care what they think as I have hosted people for over a month at a time in the past and I am tired of this encroachment into our lives.

I am getting so furious - why do people do this?

summerainbow Thu 25-Feb-16 05:36:33

They do as they can

You can of course send your children to them for a month as well

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-Feb-16 09:11:32

Because you let them.
Set your boundaries and stick to them.
If they even mention sending their DC a very strong 'NO' is required from you AND your DH.
Stop letting them get away with it and they won't keep doing it.

Joysmum Thu 25-Feb-16 09:16:38

Your DH just needs to say no. Why won't he?

4seasons Thu 25-Feb-16 12:47:38

Keep saying no , firmly. Better still, get your DH to say no. If he's not prepared to then tell him he will be the one who does everything .... childcare, shopping , cooking , making up beds etc. Tell him you think he will be happy to do this for " his" family. Any phone calls / e miles from them ... pass them on to him . Insist that you BOTH discuss any potential visitors/ plans etc. Don't let him off the hook. Some men , my own DH included , are useless at the " no " word and think that saying ..." I'll discuss this with DW and get back to you " sounds as if they aren't the alpha male in their " own home ". Strange how quickly this alpha male disappears when there is wifework to be done !

I speak from experience as you may have gathered . We spent every school holiday at the ILS or they with us for years and years. I was too " nice " to say no. After mil's death we then spent extra time with FIL ( 4/5 hours drive away ) including a couple of fairly awful holidays . Now FIl is dead along comes the sister !!! Only now ( probably too late ) I let my DH do all the organising , phoning etc. A Polish saying is ..." Your circus , your monkeys ". I have used this with regards to his sister. Guess what ? We haven't seen her for over a year.

Put your big girl's pants on and say NO... or, over to you DH. I did it too late. Could have saved myself a lot of pain !

smellsofelderberries Thu 25-Feb-16 13:19:07

'NO' is a complete sentence. You don't need to explain, just say no and stick to your guns.

I know how hard it is dealing with a bossy SIL. Mine is American and SO bossy and thoughtless. Her latest; asking if DH and I wanted to spend Mother's Day, celebrating her being a Mum with them all together as a family. When we have no DC's and I had a miscarriage a month ago hmm

(DH is going to his family, I am going for a boozy brunch with childless girlfriends and for a massage and facial! grin)

Chocolatteaddict1 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:26:05

smell that sounds awsome !

op just stop it. I'd rather be known as the 'stroppy' one by Dh family know as before my MH was suffering badly because of mil (who I'm now NC with)

Honestly the day I thought 'fuck you all' probally saved mine and Dh relationship.

FrancisdeSales Thu 25-Feb-16 14:58:07

I have stopped. My point is they haven't and it drives me mad because it is like I have no needs or a mind of my own they can just "tell" me what's happening rather than ask me and discuss it like you would expect.

My DH does deflect a lot of their demands I believe but he is the Golden Child in the family so finds it hard to say no. This last weekend I was a witness to the type of behaviour I am usually on the receiving end of.

We had spent Saturday evening with his mum and sisters going to a Thai restaurant. The plan on Sunday was to go to church with his dad and second wife and then go out for breakfast. The rest of the day from 2pm onwards plus the whole of Monday would be spent with his mom.

As soon as we woke DHs mum was sending him texts saying "I'm coming to this breakfast! He can't stop me! He thinks I still have the hots for him or I will do something crazy" (ie DH's dad). DH said to me "my mom is trying to elbow her way into this breakfast". But instead of putting some boundaries up he just said "come on then". So when we got to church there was his mum at the other end of the pew to his dad and wife. So she came to the breakfast and while we were eating who should appear but MILs twin sister, husband and grandchildren obviously invited by MIL.

It was amazing to see her in action.

This is what is like for me if she is around DH, she follows him everywhere from morning to night and we have no time to ourselves or privacy. I am clearly not the only one. She just has to get her way all the time or will have a tantrum.

Clearly DH folded and is an enabler but he is in a no-win situation of "damned if he does damned if he doesn't".

Believe me I do put up boundaries to protect our marriage and children but the psychological onslaught never ends.

I think they are all codependent and trying to suck us into the vortex.

Chocolatteaddict1 Thu 25-Feb-16 15:02:07

She sounds like my mil.

I had to go NC in the end. The entitlement and righteousness that these women feel floors me. Can you not just stop visiting ? I'd avoid her like the plague.

FrancisdeSales Thu 25-Feb-16 15:25:03

She would die as she is addicted to DH and he would never give her up either. He does put me first however otherwise our marriage would be dead in the water.

smellsofelderberries Thu 25-Feb-16 17:54:58

Extreme, but can you move back to a different country?! Or even a state away. At the end of the day though your DH needs to be the one to put his foot down as it's pretty clear she DGAF what you think.

FrancisdeSales Thu 25-Feb-16 18:24:47

We are already two states away. I would dearly love to move back to previous country, at the moment that is not on the cards.

Chocolatteaddict1 Thu 25-Feb-16 19:01:42

I would just keep say 'NO' every time somthing is foisted upon you. It's them just pushing boundaries, they will learn eventually.

I would not go and visit this woman anymore snd just tell your Dh that it will be easier if he continues his relationship with her on his own

FrancisdeSales Thu 25-Feb-16 21:06:03

That is part of why I did a quick visit - I'm hoping by showing my face and doing my duty I can encourage DH to go alone after this. Surprisingly (grin) he doesn't like to go alone!

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