*Sensitive* Sexual abuse in Children , how can I help my Son?

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Before I start please don't judge me , I've beaten myself up for nearly 4 years :
In 2012 my children were taken into foster care due to sexual behaviour between them . A lot of grey area surrounding this because I've never been able to find out exactly what happened. I lost the children to long term foster care after my ex partner took it to court straight away.

The relationship was full of emotional abuse and around the time the kids went I found out my sons Dad had been arrested for abusing his then girlfriends little girl.
SS nor the police had informed me of this.
My Son had been seeing his Dad sporadically but SS have never even looked into the abuse being from him . They have always looked at me and my ex partner (my Daughter's bio Father) being the cause of this. They spent £10,000 on psychology reports and the children said nothing .

I split with my ex partner during the court proceedings due to SS and child protection absolutely hating him. My barrister in court said she had never seen a parent hated by SS as much as him .
So in court the order was agreed on the basis that the children were found a forever home together and are not moved about placements. This was Feb 2013 and October 2013 the children were found their forever home in another county which forced them to move schools.

They settled well and my Son especially formed a good attachment. I was happy because my kids were happy.
They started therapy and I thought life was heading the right way for me to get them home. The Social Worker was even agreeing to support me with a supervision order to get them home because by this time my ex partner was in a new rship with a woman from across the world. I was working and I was in a good place .

In April 2015 I had a call from the Sw the children had been moved due to matters with the foster carers , nothing to do with the children. They stayed local to their schools. My Son , was nearly 11 and it broke his heart to leave the previous carers. He was happy and settled.
So they moved to the carer my Daughter is still with now .

In July 2015 I got another call , my Daughter had made sexual allegations against my son again and he had been moved back to our home town and was starting high school 3 miles away. The children were split up for the first time in their lives. They see each other with me 6 times a year , every 2 months ! The carer denies this happened.
So from July to Oct he was local .

Then in Oct I got a call he had been moved again because he made their teenage daughter uncomfortable , hovering outside her door . This was all I was told.
He was moved still local to his school in our town in with a female couple who had 2 other foster boys in the placement and I was told this couple had experience with sexual behaviour and he would be fine with them. The one woman was a police officer!

A week into the New Year and my Daughters Dad's girlfriend msgs me to tell me my Ex had been chsrged for child pornography in her home country and was in prison ! So now not only is my sons dad a Paedo but now my Daughters Dad too ! Social Services were already convinced he had abused my son and now all this is coming to light .

Ive only just started to come to terms with that and now today I am called again by the Sw an allegation has been made over the weekend against my son by a child in placement and he's been moved again 20 miles away! During the call I again am asking her why he isn't getting any help and she tells me it's my son's choice to do these things and no matter how much help some people get it won't stop them !

He's coming 12 in June and the amount of times he's been involved with the Police over these matters it's only a matter of time until they arrest him and I'm actually scared shitless for him . He's not a monster , he's a very confused and lonely lad who is desperate to be loved. That's all he wants . He is desperate to come home to me. Social Services know this but obviously can't whilst this is going on. He can't trust anyone coz as soon as he starts to get to know a family , he does something to mess this up . Social Services tell me as little as they possibly can and my head is upside down . I'm completely numb from emotion.

This isn't my world . I wasn't bought up around sex and yet I chose 2 men who are capable of this . My Son has never told anyone what has happened to him apart from that my Daughters Dad ruined him but won't elaborate apparently.

So , where do I go to help my Son. The SW isn't really interested in helping him . She said she will go back for funding once he's settled but when will this be , who knows ? I am really scared he's gonna end up in some institute or worse prison when all he needs is someone to listen to him. I rang NSPCC today but they can't help. Ive put in a complaint against SS but where now ?I'm going to try my MP in the morning! He was taken from me to protect him and yet this is still happening? !!

[Yseulte]

Why can your son not come home to you now you're not with your ex and your daughter's not with you either. Do you have other kids?

[Alice1983]

I was thinking the same

[mumgointhroughtorture]

SS won't allow my son home especially not with the allegations. I am going to take it back to court to try and fight to get my daughter home but atm I'm not in a great mental position to be the best Mum to my little girl. SS won't put them back together due to the risk of my son to my daughter .

[Sasty84]

Wish I could advise you but I'm not qualified. My heart goes out to you as it sounds like your son has definitely been sexually abused and his behaviour has been skewed because of it, and he is now acting on it. We are the sum of our experiences. I so hope you won't give up, and use every possible means to get your boy back. Thinking of you.

[goddessofsmallthings]

A 'forever home' is a euphemism for adoption and if you and your dc were lead to believe that a foster placement would be 'forever', or until they came of age, you were misinformed.

Before responding further, could you please clarify your statement that "They see each other with me 6 times a year , every 2 months ! The carer denies this happened".

Are you saying that you have contact with both of your dc at the same time every 2 months (6 times a year) and what exactly is the carer denying? The fact that you have contact with them or the fact that you see your 2 dc together?

When the care order was made in favour of the local authority, what contact arrangements were agreed with regard to you seeing your dc and is this contact supervised?

[BurningBridges]

You need specialist advice - here are some organisations you can ring in the morning:

www.womenssupportproject.co.uk/content/womenwhosechildrenhavebeensexuallyabusedorexp/178,172/

www.mosac.org.uk

www.frg.org.uk

You can get support here of course and people will be sympathetic it sounds like a nightmare but I hope some of these links will help.

[BurningBridges]

Sorry didn't realise the first link, they have had their funding cut so are no longer offering helplines, but MOSAC and the Family Rights Group are set up for people in your situation so would be a good place to start.

[mumgointhroughtorture]

I would never give up , thank you! it's been 4 years and I haven't missed a contact . I'm blocked by SS in every way possible. They won't let me go to meetings and I get very little from them but I refuse to let my son become a product of the system. He needs me to help him .
And no, I have no other children . The Sw told me I could "move on and have more kids with someone else and forget about these 2" during my court case. No chance. I wouldn't do that when how would that make them feel ? That Mum doesn't want them.

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Goddess they are in long term Foster care not adoption so I can go back to court for them to come home. They are too old for adoption. A forever home was the term used in court . I'm sorry I copied and pasted this from my other post I asked to be deleted due to lack of paragraphs. The part the carer denied was meant to be somewhere else I think.

I get supervised contact , in the community so I can take them places 6 times a year which works out around every school holiday.

Those were the 2 websites I was given today burning bridges by NSPCC ,thank you tho. I'm going to contact the family rights tomorrow .

[goddessofsmallthings]

Given that you're not in "a great mental position to be the best Mum to my little girl", it would not be advisable for you "to going to take it back to court to try and fight to get my daughter home" at the present time".

Given that SS will no longer allow your dc to be placed together and that your dd at least appears to be settled in her 2nd foster placement, would you consider yourself to be in "a great mental postiion" to fight for your ds to be returned to you?

If not, what outcome do you hope to achieve for him?

[LoopiusMaximus]

I hardly ever post but my heart goes out to your boy. Please don't ever give up

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

I didn't want to read and run.

I understand that you are concerned about your son and his actions and the possibility that he has been abused and therefore needs help.

However, if there has been sexual interaction between your children then my advise to you would be to not pursue the return of both your children to your family home.

There were several instances of 'sexual interaction' between myself and my biological brother as we were growing up and the end result was rape.

You need to look after both of your childrens needs, not just your sons. And I think you need to give up on getting both your children home.

I am sorry you are going through this.

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Well obviously I'm not in a great mental state due to the fact that in the space of 9 months my son has been moved 4 times and my ex , the man I thought I was gonna probably be with for a long time has been sent to prison for child pornography .
Ive been seeing a counsellor but she's just a talk therapist and I don't need to talk , I've got amazing friends and a brilliant supportive family for that. I fight this alone though.
Going from seeing my children every day to 6 times a year is an absolutely devastating thing to happen to anyone and regardless of everything else social services have done to me during all this. Like stopping my children having their Xmas presents until the end of January 2 years in a row. I fought this Xmas until there literally was 1 person in the social workers offices to get my daughters presents to her Coz the thought of her having nothing for Xmas broke my heart .
Ive stayed strong throughout all this. I've stayed single to concentrate on them and maybe having one of them home is what I need. I'm not a head case . I'm not threatening to take my own life. I'm not on anti depressants , I'm just deeply hurting .

[goddessofsmallthings]

Apologies for yet more questions, but it is necessary to gain an overview in order to give a considered opinion.

During the 4 years that your dc have been in the care of the local authority, have either or both of them received counselling or other therapeutic intervention to help them process their early childhood experiences?

Your ds is now 12. How old is your dd?

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Thank You loopius :)
No I would never give up, not whilst I have breath in my body . I just want to love and support them whether that's with me or not . I just want the best for them both.
I wouldn't now want them together with me. I have said for a while I know I will have to make a decision on who I have home . My daughter is living with a disabled child and altho she is so happy and the disabled child has given both my children so much empathy it makes my heart melt when my son sees the child during the carer dropping off my daughter. For this reason my daughter is limited on things she can do due to the carer having obvious other things she has on having a disabled child.

I think altho my son needs me my daughter does too . I asked for my daughter to stay in this placement due to not wanting to disrupt her further because the plan was also to change her carers and bring her closer home too but I want her happy and settled until a time where I can get her home .
My Daughter is 9 in April and my son is 12 In June

[goddessofsmallthings]

I wouldn't expect anyone who's gone through what you've suffered to be in a great mental condition and please believe that I am not being accusatory or adversarial in quoting your own remarks about where you are now headwise, so to speak, in order to gain some perspective on whether you intend to seek your ds's return to your home given that his need for stability in his home life would seem to be greater than your dd's as it appears that she is settled at the present time.

Unfortunately, due to your dd's allegations against your ds which caused him to be moved from the second foster placement the local authority provided for them, it seems that you have no alternative but to make a choice in that if your ds is returned to you, it's highly unlikely that your dd will be returned to you and vice versa.

[mumgointhroughtorture]

They received 12 months according to the Sw today but my daughters was ceased after the therapist was telling my daughter that her Dad was grooming her brother !!
my then 7 yr old told me she had been told that the reason her dad bought her brother so many presents was coz he was trying to keep him quiet about the things he was doing to him !

And no this wasn't the case. and until the child pornography charges I would have lay my life on the line that her Dad wasn't abusing my kids. I rarely went out and left them . I never went out with friends. He worked anti social hours and long shifts and if he wasn't working he was sleeping or we were on days out.
This is the same therapist the Sw now wants to use again if she is able to get funding for more therapy !!! but this is only if he settles in a placement ....

[mumgointhroughtorture]

No Goddess I would never sleep if I had them home together . I don't enjoy contact as much because I'm constantly aware of them together. This has all changed my whole way of thinking towards life. I ask contact workers to sit in certain chairs to watch activities.
I just don't know how I can get my Sw to understand my concerns apart from her saying today that my son is making these choices himself and regardless of how much therapy some people have it doesn't help them . She even told me today that my son isn't the victim here , he's the perpetrator! !!! he's 11 and has had God knows what done to him and I can't even think about that. I have to block it all out . My daughter too. I can't bear to even think about what has gone on but then I feel guilty because this hasn't happened to ME . My children are the victims here .

[SolidGoldBrass]

I am sorry to hear such a sad and painful story. But you don't sound well enough to be able to help your children, no matter how much you miss them. Sometimes, the kindest and most loving thing to do is to let them go while you work on getting yourself well, so that they have the chance to get external help rather than falling back into the same toxic, familiar patterns.
You have clearly been badly abused yourself, both by the predators who fathered your children and (I would put money on it) predators in your own childhood who taught you that you didn't matter, that men must always be obeyed and placated, and that 'love' is what matters even when your experience of it is abusive and harmful.

[goddessofsmallthings]

You've made reference to the amount of times your ds has been "involved with the Police over these matters" Are you referring to the 3 incidents mentined in your OP which allegedly took place at the homes of 3 of his foster carers, or have there been other incidents in or out of school which have occasioned him being 'involved with the police'?

[TheBouquets]

I am so sorry to hear about this happening to you and your children. It sounds a real nightmare.
I have no idea what to advise but I do think that DS is crying out for help. I assume that people carers and SW have discussed with him that his actions are not the right things to do. At 12 hormones will start kicking in and situations will get worse. There is nothing I know about such a situation. I wish I could advise. Meantime all I can do is send best wishes to you and both DCs

[mumgointhroughtorture]

Solid gold brass I agree with your comments . I have got a lot of working on myself because I've stopped myself getting help so I can't have the fact I need counselling used against me , which I'm told happens. I have been offered help by the independent officer on our case which I didn't think I needed but I am gonna ask for help because now 4 years on I can't even answer the phone anymore to even friends coz everytime the Sw rings me it's to tell me bad news about my children. EVERY single time. I don't hear from her any other time. and I've made this point that every call is negative and it's affecting me.

I have people asking me weekly why I haven't taken it back to court to get my children home because on the surface no one can understand like other posters I assume why if my ex isn't in my life why they ain't home but I can't put myself through another court case for them to say no to me. Losing my kids the first time floored me to the point where I hardly left my house for 6 months. I lost my kids , my rship , I then lost my home because I wasn't paying the rent due to burying my head in the sand. In my opinion back then I had lost everything anyway so nothing else I could have taken away.
I got a job and turned my life around until all this. Not everyone who loses their kids to the system are the same sort of women. I wasn't in and out of relationships. I was with one 4 years and the other 7 years. My parents are still happily married . I wasn't dragged up . I regularly ask myself how I made such a fuck up of Mine and my kids lives !

[mumgointhroughtorture]

I think the 3 times referenced but also when the children were took they were both interviewed in depth to try to identify if this was taught behaviour. Obviously it's come from somewhere so child protection were involved at the start. I knew nothing . My daughter told the police she had told myself and her Nan , my mum what was happening and we ignored her . This wasn't true ! I wouldn't have had them sharing a room if I even suspected anything like this was happening. I adore my children and if I had thought this was going on i would've asked for help myself!

I really do need to get him help before the hormones set in .

I know I come across like my son is priority but he isn't, he just needs my help more atm. I adore my princess and if I ask her who she is she will tell me she's mummy's princess , a smarty pants and a clever clogs coz that's what she's always been told. It kills me to think how much of her childhood I've missed :(

[quicklydecides]

So even though social workers hated your boyfriend and tried to tell you what he was like you refused to believe he was bad until he was convicted of child porn.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I regularly ask myself how I made such a fuck up of Mine and my kids lives

Lightning does strike twice in the same place. Accept that there are some things you will never be able to come to terms with and try to stop beating yourself up for those things that cannot be changed as that way madness lies.

I know that's easier said than done, but you have to try because if you dont, you won't be much use to yourself let alone to your dc.

Paedophiles can be exceptionally cunning; young dc are malleable and, as they don't have the vocabulary to verbalise what is being done to them, warning signs are easily missed if, in fact, they're displayed in the first place.

Numerous judgements made in the secrecy of the family courts wouldn't withstand public scrutiny and I'm sorry to say that yours is one of them as, given that you ended your relationship with your dd's f during the proceedings, there was opportunity for your dc to remain living with you or, at the very least, for the decison to award a full care order to the local authority to be appealed within the proscribed 21 days of it being made.