Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

is he a slob?

(30 Posts)
gracienine Wed 24-Feb-16 20:20:43

I've just started a new relationship (~ a couple of months) and all has been going great so far. When we first started dating I found him handsome, funny, charming and altogether perfect. We have loads in common. He's got almost all the traits I've been looking for in a partner. Perhaps I let myself get too carried away, admittedly.

The thing is that recently some things about him are becoming a massive turn off. I don't know if I am being completely unreasonable and shallow or not - he's such a nice caring guy that I feel genuinely shit for noticing/caring, especially enough to be writing this post!

Things like; he gets food stuck between his teeth. But like, he'll turn up to meet me in the morning with food in his teeth. Which indicates he's not been brushing his teeth? which is a MASSIVE no-no for me, I just really notice dental hygiene. But he always brushes his teeth when we stay overnight together so I don't really get it? he also quite often has bad breath though, not awful but just coffee breath or really garlicky etc... in this vein, he often smells a bit stale or has sleep in his eyes, just seems like he hasn't really washed that carefully.

and also stupid stuff like he is quite open about farting and burping... he's also REALLY OPEN about being naked, which is all well and good, but when he's slouched on the sofa in a completely open dressing gown (in the middle of a bright sunny morning) fiddling with his naked scrotum for a solid twenty minutes whilst i get ready I feel a bit like - come on, are we not even trying anymore?!

I don't know. Please give me a reality check if I'm being hideously shallow. I know I could raise some of these things with me but I can't help but think if a new boyfriend ever criticised my hygiene or slovenliness I'd think 'who the fuck are you to say that to me?!'

gracienine Wed 24-Feb-16 20:22:55

my question is really... should this matter? am I being a dickhead? am I noticing because I'm not that into him, or are they a legitimate things to be turned off by? I do still fancy him and want to have sex with him, although less intently than before I'd noticed it all, obviously

Griphook Wed 24-Feb-16 20:25:25

Walk away, a few in and these things are already a problem. You might as well give it up now

BackInTheRealWorld Wed 24-Feb-16 20:25:46

Eeeew no, if this is what he is like at the wanting to impress you stage just imagine how bad it will be when you are settled into it a bit.

nilbyname Wed 24-Feb-16 20:27:50

He sounds pretty disgusting.

Bye bye!

BathtimeFunkster Wed 24-Feb-16 20:28:15

but when he's slouched on the sofa in a completely open dressing gown (in the middle of a bright sunny morning) fiddling with his naked scrotum for a solid twenty minutes whilst i get ready I feel a bit like - come on, are we not even trying anymore?!

😂😂😂😂😂

You're just at the early stages and you're already going off him.

It doesn't really matter why. It's your call.

You'll have to dump him by the time it completely puts you off.

BolshierAryaStark Wed 24-Feb-16 20:29:07

Seriously? A few months in he should be making way more effort than this!
Yes he's a slob & no I wouldn't put up with it.

I would however say though that farting really wouldn't bother me, it's just a bodily function.

guineapig1 Wed 24-Feb-16 20:30:36

Hmm, imo, health issues aside there is rarely a valid excuse for poor personal hygiene! The open nakedness is not necessarily a problem provided you are comfortable with it but it is quite early in a relationship to be so open especially with the burping/breaking wind thing! If you had been together 15 years I could kind of understand.

Only you can weigh it up with his other qualities and decide if it's a deal breaker. Perhaps a frank chat would be sensible to start with?

gracienine Wed 24-Feb-16 20:31:36

ha BathtimeFunkster I hope I painted a suitably vivid picture for you there.

But I REALLY like him, we have so much in common and it's so promising. Can I not subtly train him out of these behaviors? am I being ridiculous?

The stupid thing is he must be able to pick up on me quietly being revolted by him sometimes as he gets quiet and withdraws a bit as well, which then really does make me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet sad

bakeoffcake Wed 24-Feb-16 20:32:35

Christ if you carry on with him he'll be Jim Royal within 6 months.

Get rid of him!!

patterkiller Wed 24-Feb-16 20:33:42

No no no. I'd have serious thoughts if this was my husband of twenty years never mind two months.

His standards are very low and are only going to get lower. Tell him by all means, however, I really don't think it will make a jot of difference.

This is who he is, he is telling you. Listen.

guineapig1 Wed 24-Feb-16 20:34:09

If you really like him and can otherwise see a future with him have a chat. You don't have to tell him off, just explain in nice terms!

ijustwannadance Wed 24-Feb-16 20:36:04

Either talk to him about it or leave.

gamerchick Wed 24-Feb-16 20:36:42

Little niggles this early turn into massive hard to ignore irritations later on.

If you like him then tell him but it's a hard conversation to have.

Seeyounearertime Wed 24-Feb-16 20:38:57

you can't "Subtly train" anyone out of anything.

You can ask them to alter their behaviour, they will choose if they will or not. Simply put, if he wants to change for you then he will, if he doesn't, he won't.

BathtimeFunkster Wed 24-Feb-16 20:39:56

That's quite a picture alright! grin

Can I not subtly train him out of these behaviors? am I being ridiculous?

I think if he's a great guy you can address some of this stuff, but it will be delicate.

You could point out the food in his teeth for a start. That's really a kindness, people want to know.

I think you could give him the "are we not even trying any more?" thing if he's doing the bollock fiddling in the sunshine.

But I think if you are revolted by him, that's quite bad.

Thinking something is a bit gross is fine.

"Dude, did you not wash your face this morning?" could be lighthearted teasing. But only if deep down you have a lot of affection for him.

gracienine Wed 24-Feb-16 20:40:20

okay point taken. I'll have to have a chat with him and see if it improves... that will be awkward. can I do it after a few glasses of wine?! how on earth do you phrase that sensitively?

LaurieFairyCake Wed 24-Feb-16 20:42:13

I don't think I understand the food in the teeth in the morning - couldn't he have brushed his teeth and then eaten breakfast ?

That's what I do.

I wouldn't be impressed with the scrotum thing at all though. I'm not a big scrotum fan - in general I like to not look at them.

gracienine Wed 24-Feb-16 20:46:28

yeah scrotums shouldn't be looked at in broad daylight regardless, especially not stretched and squashed. I have to try and see the funny side.

It's not just like a couple of bits of food... it's like there is food inbetween most of his teeth.. like a plaquey coating. his teeth were GLEAMING when we first started dating. maybe its just a hiccup? i've only noticed it a couple of times

Gwenhwyfar Wed 24-Feb-16 20:48:26

"couldn't he have brushed his teeth and then eaten breakfast ?

That's what I do."

Yes, that's what I was thinking. You're not supposed to brush your teeth straight after eating anyway so I think it can often be that you don't brush them before leaving the house.

Seeyounearertime Wed 24-Feb-16 20:48:53

you're going to have to say something when you see it i think.
"Have you not brushed you teeth?"
When he expects a kiss,
"You been eating garlic" when you cuddle

Then have the whole "Scrotal games" chat later on.

guineapig1 Wed 24-Feb-16 20:52:39

Yes I think it is a good idea to do it in stages - things like "euch you smell of coffee" or wipe the sleep from his eye saying "what are you like!"

You could also drop lots of positive hints when he's smelling fresh and minty!

mysteryknickers Wed 24-Feb-16 20:57:04

Just walk away. If it annoys you now and you try to live with it ... up ahead it just turns to resentment.

I don't think being subtle or even having a word will help. You'll constantly be back at square one.

Been there, got the t-shirt sad

Tanfastic Wed 24-Feb-16 21:14:24

If it were me it would put me off but I'm funny about stuff like that, it would make my stomach churn confused.

If DH had had personal hygiene issues when we first met I'd have ended it. However now if he's got food in his teeth etc I just point it out and say "gross" sort it out kinda thing but we have been together for years.

0hCrepe Wed 24-Feb-16 21:28:36

I would also be really positive about the times when he has made an effort (hopefully there are still some) eg ooh you smell all clean come here sort of thing. The scrotal fiddling would put me right off though!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now