Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What exactly is a "friend with benefits"?(13 Posts)
Seriously, what is a FWB? I thought I knew, but now I think I don't.
I recently starting seeing a man at work. He works for the same company in another part of the country, and is on secondment to my branch. He's really nice, funny, good in bed, etc, and we get on very well. He made it quite clear to me that he was after a FWB arrangement and I agreed - I am quite recently separated and thought an actual relationship would be a bit too complicated right now. His secondment ends in a couple of months, so there seemed to be a limit to anything that might happen.
I thought a FWB was someone you saw once or maybe twice a week for a bit of no strings adult fun. You didnt really spend time with them or talk a lot.
I speak to him every day. I don't speak to him much at work as we work in different areas, but we tend to arrive and leave at the same time, & occasionally see each other at lunchtime. He messages or texts me every day, and he has spent the weekends here when my kids go to their dad's. He's now making plans for us to go away for a weekend. He buys me presents - only little things but really thoughtful. He says nice things to me that make me feel sexy and wanted - two things i really didn't feel with my ex. He's kind and considerate and very gentle - again, something I havent had much experience of before.
This isn't FWB, is it? Is he getting in over his head? Am I? Are we setting ourselves up to be hurt when the secondment ends and he goes back to his own branch? Have i completely misunderstood a FWB relationship?
I don't think you've misunderstood at all. I think he may have started things off like that but, he's sounding like he's trying to change the rules. Be careful
What you have described your relationship like is FWB, although sounds like he is getting more like a bf wanting to go away. A "fuck buddy" is where you meet up purely for sex, no friendships.
I think its people who like each other and want casual no strings attached commitment free sex with none of the relationship stuff and both free to pursue other relationships.
It doesnt come with jealousy, dates or holidays.
Thats more of a relationship thing.
Please please read my post from Monday .. tread very carefully. I too had holidays, days out, met the family etc. From my side I ended up wanting a relationship, he still saw it as FWB.
After 15 long years I went NC on Monday - it hurts like hell
(1) Men are dirty pigs who think with their penises, want to stick "it" in and then go home and that's enough for them. They can get turned on by anything, and their ideal is "turn up at 5.10pm, stick it in, finish at 5.45pm, go home, watch football and have a beer.". They don't like nice things. They don't need intellectual connection to have sex.
(2) Women are either "sluts" who are FWBs who have casual sex and the guy despises and ignores them afterwards/in between or "good women" who men do nice caring things for because they are In a Proper Relationship.
(3) There is no in-between.
All assumptions are incorrect in my experience- I've had one night stands I barely know who insisted on doing DIY "whilst I'm here".
Or we've had great conversations or I've asked about their families, offered them advice on serious matters, etc.
I've seen bands, been taken for nice meals, nights away with flings. Being kind and polite (lifts home, asking after someone, compliments etc) is just part of automatic manners and upbringing?
People can be "caring" without it translating into "I secretly want a long term relationship with you".
I personally find it horrible when some man I've been "nice" to starts to take offence because I've "led him on" (it's normally all in his head).
If you interpret every "nice" gesture someone makes as a declaration they want to be in a LTR and are in love with you, then you're probably (and I say this in an understanding way, having been there myself in the past!) too lonely and desperate and naive to be having casual relationships.
If he said he wants fwb then believe him. Don't think it's a relationship because he is nice to you, you'll definitely end up being hurt.
Some men think it's cool and mysterious and gives an impression they're a bit of a catch / in demand if they offer a fab relationship early on. It stops them looking stupid (in there eyes) if they get rejected and allows them to resolve in there own minds the rejection by attributing it to there declaration of being non committal. Usually the ones that have low self esteem and have struggled in the past. My mate uses it for these reasons. He very rarely gets past the second date. I've tried to tell him but he claims he's happy on his own. He clearly isn't.
What you think is a FWB is a fuck buddy as someone else has said.
I'm out of a long term relationship and started dating this year. It's early days and my main FWB lives the other side of the country. We haven't actually discussed what the relationship is but I know he's not up for a LTR at the moment and neither am I. Plus on the practical side we both have a life and a job in our respective cities and a child to be responsible for so anything else really isn't on the cards. We talk a lot when we are together, not every day or even week sometime when we are not. And I like and care about him, it's reciprocal.
It suits because I also want to see other men, I've met a couple and I've told them the situation up front so it's out in the open. I want to see other men because I'm enjoying the space at home of being single but I'm enjoying sex and I like knowing that someone out there is thinking of me. Having more than one man stops me over investing in a relationship. I'm also of the opinion so many men, so little time!
I'd like to go away for the weekend with any of them if the opportunity arose, I wouldn't think twice about buying them a gift because I buy my friends gifts. This doesn't mean I want a LTR. It means I enjoy their friendship and their company as well as having sex. If any of them wanted exclusivity I think I'd end it. Maybe in the future I'll feel differently but for now I know what I want.
If your ideal is a LTR then you need to find someone else.
I thought a FWB was someone you enjoyed spending time with, went on holiday with, did fun activities with and exchanged gifts with (and had sex with as and when both want to) but with no implication of monogamy for either party. I've never had one but that's what I understood it to mean. Is that something else?
A fucky buddy is somone you just meet to have sex with.
A friend with benefits is someone you are friends with, ime already proper friends who you hang out with as friends and do things with as friends, but sometimes you have sex. And I've been away for the weekend with one of mine
A casual relationship is one where you're 'seeing each other' and 'dating' bit where neither of you have any expectation or desire to take it further.
If you want a ltr it's probably best to avoid these in general. I've had all three and would have been horrified if the other person had wanted to change it into something else!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.