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Row over Will and being no contact with mother(11 Posts)
To put the situation in context me and my mum have never gotten along. To me she is vindictive and manipulative. For years I tried to make it better but it simply boils down to that she doesn't like me. She didn't like me as a child and she likes me even less as an adult. A few years ago I cut contact to an absolute minimum and the improvement on my mental health has been immeasurable. I get along well with my Dad and visit him regularly. He is a chronic alcoholic. My DB and I have always been super close. My DB gets along well with my DD and is very close to my DM. All my immediate family live in the same town and I am an hour away. Over the last couple of years both my parents have had huge declines in health, dad's directly related to the alcoholism. My DB does an awful lot for my DM and she depends heavily on him.
A few nights ago my dad rang me very late on drunk and said he was very ill and scared with how sick he was. This has happened a number of times before - sometimes it has been because he is far too drunk and nothing physically wrong and others he has been properly sick and I've had to get medical attention for him. Being over an hour away and having to get up early I called me DB and asked him would he pop over to check he was ok. Out of nowhere my DB started shouting down the phone at me that, no he wouldn't, he was fucking sick of doing everything and that I was scum of the earth. And that I was basically a horrible person expecting him to do everything. I hung up and called a friend from our home time who organised someone to check on him.
Me and DB then stupidly had a further row over text. During this he sent a message about what a bitch I was and that he knew about the papers that I had got my mum to sign at a solicitors. I had no idea what he was talking about and said so. I said I was done with having lies told on me by people and I would be up to see my mum when I was finished work and she could explain to the two of together what exactly I had forced her into. He then admitted that she didn't tell him that but had found legal papers in her house. (I know my mum well enough to know that its very unlikely those papers weren't seen unless she wanted them to be).
We spoke on the phone the following day when we both calmed down and both apologised for our bad behaviour. He refuses to tell me what is on the papers. I told him again I had no idea but the only thing I could think of was a will and all I knew was that she told me years ago I wouldn't get an inheritance which I told her no problem, I didn't want one. DB has in the past told me it would be worth it in the long run if I made an effort with her.I didn't say it to my DB but I wouldn't put it past her to will all to me and nothing to him because that is the thing that would cause the most upset. I know it angers her that despite all me and DB have remained close.
DB is still cross that I won't have contact with her. I have told him I will give him any practical help he needs e.g. paying for cleaner, doing her groceries, washing etc and he has refused saying that all he wants is for me to stop being so cold hearted and to visit her every fortnight.
After typing that massive essay I don't really know what I'm asking. I keep swaying between pangs of guilt that I should have regular contact again because she is ill and then being even angrier at her that she could contemplate giving me her assets to piss us all off.
PS Thanks if you managed to get through all that without falling asleep
Oh and to clarify, our parents are divorced
Could you maybe draw up some document where you renounce any inheritance from your mother to put your brother's mind at rest?
I think that you should stay the course. Her illness is not likely to coincide with a personality transplant, is it? Continue to protect your mental health. Well done on moving away.
Your boundaries are because of her behavior. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Other people can not make you feel guilt, only the individual can produce that...although people can be manipulated into it. Just say no. You are not going to do the guilt thing...that card is punched out and is not a renewable resource.
Perhaps you could explain the mental health side of your experience with your mother and why you have had to make the choices you have made. He may have the ability to understand that your experience is/was different from his own experience...or he may not.
He does need relief though. Being a carer for elderly parents is awfully tough. Your offers of third party support is the right thing to do. He needs to step away from the idea of you as a whipping post and accept your offers.
The business with the will: Imho, just leave it alone. It is her will, nothing to do with you. Repeat in a stonewall fashion. If she is using it to manipulate/punish/control then that is more validation for your position.
I guess if she's pops off op and leaves all to you , give half to your bro
And look at using a deed of family arrangement to avoid tax liabilities.
But yes, you can share any inheritance.
Thanks for your responses. I know I can share it but I have no way of convincing my DB of that. I rang my solicitor who said I can't do anything until that. And it's really annoying me how she's not dead and we're talking about inheritances in the first place
There is a lot of possibilities here and I am repeating what others have said but bare with me.
I would imagine that you and your brother had very different up bringings. He was possibly the golden child while you were picked on. So his recollections of your childhood is based on his experiences. He would have been too young to understand the differences. Therefore he probably doesn't understand why you are distancing yourself. My brothers accept why i have distanced myself from mum. They can see the difference (although, not while we were young, only as adults). Did help that both their wives pointed it out as well.
I would also guess that while he is straining to help your mum, she is probably showing no gratitude at all and is quite possibly praising you, or lamenting your distance and going on and on about it. All the while, not thanking him, being quite dismissive about it (and him) and not giving him the gratitude he needs. It is also very stressful having to care for someone and I imagine the strain of that was behind his outburst.
There is also something called 'spousification' or substitute spouse. Basically where the parent forces a child into the social and emotional role of a spouse. your brother may also be pressured into that dynamic. Not a definite but something to think about.
Wills are used as a form of control for a lot of narc parents. Although there is not enough info to suggest your mum, but certainly mine. When i was 21, she didn't like my boyfriend and told me she was changing the will so I wouldn't inherit it until I was 50. Now she is bypassing us all together and giving it to our children. Only she has decided how many children we are going to have, and two of her 'grandchildren' aren't even conceived yet.
I think you need to support your brother as best you can while not increasing contact. Even if it is doing a shop for him or being a sounding board. Support him in setting up his own boundaries and look into narc mothers on the stately homes thread.
You can give some or all of the money to your DB when the will is read.
Though I would keep that thought to myself.
Aussie you're post is pretty much bang on. The only bit that really differs is that my DB totally understands why I distanced myself and was always supportive in that decision but he now feels that as she is sick I should let it go. I can't do that because I really don't think she has changed at all - she's as sneaky and narcissistic as she always was when I saw at xmas. And though I sound hard hearted even if wanted to, I really don't have it in me to forget everything and go back to being degraded week in week out, sick or not.
I understand completely why you won't go back, and glad he understands why to.
Maybe have a look at the website 'sons of narcissistic mothers' it may help him.
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