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He didn't do anything for me birthday......

(101 Posts)
Isthatit2016 Wed 24-Feb-16 09:32:10

Just need to get my thoughts down as i know I'm being a bit unreasonable.

I've been seeing someone for 3 months and things are going well.
It was my birthday a few days ago and we had planned to go out for the evening, I knew it wouldn't be a lavish celebration as he has been complaining of being broke since the middle of last week thanks to a few unexpected expenses. That was fine I wasn't expecting anything huge. I'm too old for that and I appreciate thoughtful gestures more that expensive gifts!

Unfortunately he phoned me late afternoon at my work to say he had to work so we couldn't go out after all. I do understand that he is in a difficult position with where he is not in a position to refuse to work so I was disappointed but completely understood. He said he would make it up to me once work settled down and was less busy and unpredictable.

He dropped in past to see me before going to work today and made no mention of missing my birthday.

I'm just feeling a bit let down - no card, no flowers - just a big fat zero for marking my birthday. When I mentioned to him playfully that I wasn't going to let him off the hook and was expecting a late birthday treat he looked very unimpressed.

AIBU? I'm really not feeling appreciated at the moment!!
I think I'm feeling worse because he did once mention how he used to make a big deal of celebrations for his (now ex) wife and lavish her with gifts.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 24-Feb-16 09:37:22

Get shot. Now. It won't change.

Yes, we can all go through periods where money is tight. Yes, we sometimes get work thrown at us that blows out plans.

While three months is still fairly soon and I wouldn't have expected huge gestures, work didn't stop him dropping a card in after work. Or dropping a card in with even a few flowers when he popped to see you before going to work today.

Seriously, he isn't ever going to prioritise you.

You are not unreasonable.

kittybiscuits Wed 24-Feb-16 09:38:43

YANBU. Don't put up with this now. If he can't even make a kind gesture at this stage, he's not worth any more of your time. Is this his best behaviour? It's rubbish.

Annarose2014 Wed 24-Feb-16 09:40:00

At 3 months you should be still trying to impress each other!

He is NOT bothered about impressing you. He's not really that into it tbh. He's a lazy sod who'll do the bare minimum to keep himself in your bed.

Optimist1 Wed 24-Feb-16 09:46:45

A card and a bunch of daffs would have cost very little but probably pleased you very much. He didn't bother. Says it all, really.

Happy birthday. flowers

Isthatit2016 Wed 24-Feb-16 09:50:06

I'm terrible for avoiding conflict but he has just text me and I mentioned I was upset that he never even got me a card.

He said he did get me a card unfortunately it's still back at his house as he forgot to pick it up!
He also said he planned to get me flowers but was afraid I would have already left for work if he stopped to pick them up.

Plausible?
I don't know, he's honestly not a bad person who is a bit scatty sometimes.
I honestly don't know what to think sad

hellsbellsmelons Wed 24-Feb-16 09:50:17

3 months in and he's like this!?
Seriously, just don't bother with him anymore.

Isthatit2016 Wed 24-Feb-16 09:50:56

Thank you Optimist1

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 24-Feb-16 09:54:49

He's not scatty, he's thoughtless. Sorry, OP, but he's making it up and talking bullshit, because as you yourself said: "He dropped in past to see me before going to work today and made no mention of missing my birthday."

He didn't even MENTION your birthday and only said what he said by text now because you prompted him.

Please, please, please, get rid now. It will save you a lot of heartache in future.

Annarose2014 Wed 24-Feb-16 09:57:32

No those are lies. Arse covering lies.

Like I said, he's doing the bare minimum to keep in your bed and as a result of your text he's realised "shit, this birthday thing isn't going away and could fuck up my chances - quick! Tell her what she wants to hear! There's a newsagents nearby - might be able to grab some old card there......then back in the saddle! Total pain in the arse though........"

Marchate Wed 24-Feb-16 09:57:34

Truly, the early days of a relationship is the time for demonstrative gestures. Not expensive, simply caring and thoughtful

He isn't putting you anywhere near the top of his list

LovelyFriend Wed 24-Feb-16 09:58:11

He starting as he means to go on.

He's not that into you or he's not that bothered about niceties like acknowledging your P's birthday. He could easily have made a bit of an effort - especially as you said you didn't have big expectations!! As Optomist said, a bunch of daffs and a card would have come in at under a fiver.

Also he is feeding you a bunch of BS in response to you expressing being upset (forgetting card, going to get you flowers but thought you wouldn't be there etc etc).

MatildaTheCat Wed 24-Feb-16 09:58:22

I can tell you what to think: he's making big fat excuses. 'Left the card at my house, was going to get flowers but...' = The dog ate my homework.

The only acceptable reply was, 'You are right, I am so sorry I've messed up. Please can I take you out tonight?/ Pop in later/ make a date for as soon as possible?'

He may be a lovely guy but I doubt if this sort of stuff is a one off. Any previous signs of meanness or mean spiritedness?

pictish Wed 24-Feb-16 09:58:31

I'm not a birthday person...but at three months in, this does not bode well for the future. He should be taking the opportunity to impress you, not making you feel like a low score on his priority list.

Nah - it's not good.

SavoyCabbage Wed 24-Feb-16 09:59:24

It sounds to me like he's manipulated everything so he doesn't have to celebrate your birthday.

Starting with telling you he had no money the week before. Why did it have to be about money? He could have asked you to his and cooked for you. Cheap as chips. Literally!

Then he couldn't go out for your birthday. He should have made sure that he did something. Even if he actually couldn't see you. Which seems unlikely. Tied a balloon to your door handle. Left a Mr Kipling French Fancy with a candle in at the reception of your work. Emailed you a funny message. Laminated a photo of you both and put it under your windscreen wiper.

LovelyFriend Wed 24-Feb-16 10:00:23

He's not scatty - he knew it was your birthday, he made plans with you and then started planning the "er I'm skint" noises a week in advance.
He's not scatty - to the contrary he's organised and manipulative.

TendonQueen Wed 24-Feb-16 10:00:26

Let's see if this card or the flowers ever materialise. Bet they won't. And I notice he's not said anything about rearranging your night out. He's responded at the lowest possible level, ie only to the things you mentioned in the text, and will do as little as he can get away with.

Only1scoop Wed 24-Feb-16 10:01:46

New relationship

When you see someone making all those efforts.

Sadly they do dwindle over time.

Not within the first few months.

His excuses are dire

I'm cringing for him and sad for you.

Isthatit2016 Wed 24-Feb-16 10:12:51

Feeling really shit now but I'm taking on board all you are saying.

I'm not making excuses for him but he will now be working 10 hour shifts everyday (inc weekends) so time is and will be a problem for the next few weeks.

It was valentines just a few weeks ago and I had told him I don't really "do" any of these what I call "Hallmark" days.
He did still get me a single rose and took me to the cinema - should I consider that in any way redeeming?

StillDrSethHazlittMD Wed 24-Feb-16 10:18:02

You ARE making excuses for him.

He gave you a single rose and took you to the cinema. He should be doing that ANYWAY! And if you don't do these Hallmark days, that absolutely shouldn't matter. He did fuck all for your birthday and didn't even mention it.

Wake up. He's a loser.

Annarose2014 Wed 24-Feb-16 10:19:53

Love, even people who work 10 hr shifts have to go into a shop to buy milk. There are cards in shops.

Tbh it's sad your standards are so low for yourself that you're still trying to wonder if you're somehow demanding too much.

Isthatit2016 Wed 24-Feb-16 10:28:41

Annarose2014 sorry to say your post has hit the nail on the head I am scared to being thought too demanding

FetchezLaVache Wed 24-Feb-16 10:41:48

He could have arranged a delivery of flowers from his 'phone whilst taking a shite if he's that pressed for time, or added a card to his online shop. The fact is, it was your birthday and you're not important enough to him to go to any trouble or expense whatsoever to make it special for you. At three months in! sad

TheNaze73 Wed 24-Feb-16 10:52:38

I think you may be being harsh on him here. Obviously, I don't know the extent of how broke he is but, if things are tight and he was penniless, any normal person would jump at extra work. I would certainly prioritise myself after only being in a relationship for 3 months. That's no time at all

pictish Wed 24-Feb-16 10:53:38

You've certainly presented yourself as someone undemanding...don't do Hallmark occasions and make excuses for those who let you down. You're basically marketing yourself as someone who won't be any trouble, scuppering yourself in the process.

Doesn't even matter though...if he was in the spot you'd want a good man to be, he'd have anticipated your birthday and utilised it as an opportunity to do a bit of marketing of his own.

This is how it will be - you'll be squeezed in as and when, and all you'll get will be what he chooses to give. When he chooses to give it.
You'd be selling yourself short. x

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