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How long will this go on for and what can do?

(2 Posts)
jayho Tue 23-Feb-16 22:48:05

I've been separated and then divorced for more than five years. We have two children together. The relationship ended because of his emotional and financial abuse culminating in one episode of physical abuse leading to his removal from the home.

We had an outstandingly acrimonious divorce, on his part. He forced everything through the courts, refused to negotiate or accept mediation throughout. A continuation of the controlling behaviour basically. I reckon he spent about £180k (I didn't had a great solicitor who supported me self representing) and he ended up with the 'normal' eow, one mid-week, half the holiday contact and a 60/40 asset split to me as main carer. this has made him bitter.

It continues and is relentless and I need some coping strategies and support.

The financial abuse continues in a number of major and minor ways. He does not pay child maintenance, cannot go in to detail why as it would out me but I can't get round it at the moment. If he provides anything for the children it is 'his'. So, for example, if he collects DC from school but returns to me on a non school day, they have to change into their uniform to return home so I don't have any of 'his' clothes. In reverse, if they go to him in mufti from me, he will keep the clothes and I'll never see them again. Ditto toys. the DC now openly say they don't want to take things to his because they won't get them back to play with at home.

I pay for everything related to the children; clothes, school related expenses. I work full time. Any child related activities are in 'my' time as he will not support or facilitate, this means there are lots of activities DC can't do as they are weekly.

Emotional abuse - he will not support DC friendships, birthday invites in his time are rejected ditto play dates etc. My good friends now organise these things round contact, bless them. He has made numerous, unfounded allegations to the police and social services about me. He has denied one DC access to counselling by withdrawing parental consent. He has inappropriate conversations with DC about our breakup, me, other family members.

Gah, rambling now. It's the relentless nature and the way it pervades every aspect of our lives I find so hard. I know I can't turn it off because we have DC and he uses that point of contact to continue his efforts to control and manipulate.

I think I may be at a crossroads because older DC has recently disclosed physical abuse and it's in the hands of the authorities but I know he will lie, dissemble, manipulate, everything and my energy is low.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 23-Feb-16 23:43:14

You have another thread on this topic www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2576034-Hand-hold-please-this-will-get-nasty and it would have been helpful if you'd updated it with the informatioin you've posted here so that a) others won't waste their time repeating the legal and other advice that you've been given and b) so that you can 'chart your progess', as it were, with all of its inevitable downs and the ups which will come in time.

As you've been advised by the police to withhold contact pending investigations, you should take advantage of this moratorium to regroup and recharge your batteries.

If/when your youngest dc resumes contact, simply ensure that they are sent off in their school uniform and that they don't take any of their possessions with them. Sooner or later they'll outgrow the clothes/toys they have at your ex's place and it'll be down to him to replace them.

However, as the incident is suffciently serious to warrant police investigation and, no doubt, SS involvement, you will have opportunity to disclose all that you have said here and, hopefully, if it is deemed that contact should be resumed it can be done so in a way that takes account of the dc's need to interact with their frends by attending parties/taking part in various activities on some occasions when they would otherwise have been required to be with their f.

He has denied one DC access to counselling by withdrawing parental consent if this matter was put before a court I have little doubt that he would be seen for the controlling arsehole he is his withdrawal of consent would be overruled and I urge you to ask SS and/or the police to obtain his consent so that your dc can get the help they need as a matter of urgency.

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