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DH resents me. I feel lost.

(16 Posts)
bluepostdepot Tue 23-Feb-16 09:35:46

I've been with my DH for 12 years. I have DS16 from a previous relationship and we have a DD together.
My DS has been causing lots of stress at home, some of it "normal" teenage behaviour but some of it more than that eg, doing badly at school- recently excluded for 2 days for defiant behaviour, verbal abuse at home. My DS has ADHD, was taking medication but hated the side effects and to be honest I don't think they made much difference, if anything they made him more irritable. My DH and I are at a really bad place at the moment. My DH has told me he resents me , feels I've ruined his life and feels trapped . My DH has been so good to my DS over the years, he's supported him and really tried hard to have a good relationship with him but they clash and the stress is difficult to manage at times.I'm going to arrange family therapy as feel it would be good to talk with a neutral person to try to work through it all. I just feel so low, I can't stop crying. I just want us all to be happy. I feel I should move out with my DS as that would stop the arguments between DH and DS but can't stand the thought of living apart from my other DD who is only 5, she's done nothing wrong. I don't want her to feel I've abandoned her.
I just don't feel I can stay in a situation where everyone is so unhappy. My DH is desperate to move as he hates the area and the house we are living in, however this is difficult due to jobs. My DH blames me for the current situation as it was my idea to move to where we live now. My DH is constantly telling me how much he resents me and he says it in such a nasty, vicious way. When I try to talk to him about it he tells me he's not listening as " you're going on". I feel like we are going round in circles.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

annandale Tue 23-Feb-16 09:37:47

I think the family therapy sounds essential, when is it happening? You've done brilliantly to organise that when you are feeling so low.

FuckyNell Tue 23-Feb-16 09:39:55

Maybe your Dh could mive out for a while? I don't think it's a good idea to consider leaving your daughter

Dollius01 Tue 23-Feb-16 09:40:31

Your H sounds like an idiot. Why can't you leave with both your children? Of course you can't leave without your DD.

Marchate Tue 23-Feb-16 09:41:58

He is blaming you? But he's the one being nasty?

How dare he accuse you of ruining your life! He is ruining yours, and the children's

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Tue 23-Feb-16 09:42:45

Leave him on his own to stew in his own bile. Take both DC with you.

pocketsaviour Tue 23-Feb-16 10:31:20

Your H sounds like an unpleasant, self-pitying twat and I would bet my last penny that many of your DS's behaviour problems are down to your H's shitty attitude.

bluepostdepot Tue 23-Feb-16 10:40:17

Thanks for the replies.
I would never leave DD but my DH wouldn't leave either so I feel stuck. Financially I would struggle to move but I need to look into it more.. I don't think he'd agree to go.
He hates his job,hates our house, hates the area we live in, hates the stress we've been under due to my DSs problems. He thinks it's all down to me therefore resents me, his life would be better if we hadn't met according to him.

bluepostdepot Tue 23-Feb-16 10:43:23

povketsaviour Funnily enough when DH isn't around DS and I get on better and he seems calmer. I thought I was imagining it...

DoreenLethal Tue 23-Feb-16 10:43:40

If he hates it all then surely he would be happier elsewhere?

DoreenLethal Tue 23-Feb-16 10:43:59

AKA he can fuck off then.

bluepostdepot Tue 23-Feb-16 10:44:39

Sorry meant pocketsaviour

pocketsaviour Tue 23-Feb-16 12:16:08

Yes I thought that would be the case. Children are not immune to the atmosphere in a house and when you have someone who is relentlessly negative about everything, it's like a cloud of toxic gas for everyone else.

Do you own your house, or are you renting? Do both of you work?

Branleuse Tue 23-Feb-16 12:27:49

leave with both children.

Heavens2Betsy Tue 23-Feb-16 12:34:00

He hates his job,hates our house, hates the area we live in, hates the stress we've been under
You know none of those things are your fault or your responsibility to fix don't you?
Tell him he needs to grow up and stop whining and blaming you for all his problems and if he can't do that then you are better off without him.

bluepostdepot Tue 23-Feb-16 14:13:27

We both work full time and are privately renting. We have some savings. We were hoping to buy a house but the area has become so expensive, so not sure we can afford to do that now.
DH ideally would like to move back to his home city which is a long way from where we live now, problem is he would struggle to get a transfer with his job and also DS is starting 6th form soon and I don't want to uproot him. I would love to move eventually to a better house/ location but I can't just up and go. It's apparently all my fault and we should've moved ages ago when he had more of a chance of a transfer. However I couldn't move ages ago as my DS wouldn't have had the same level of contact with his father as he was having.

Thanks so much for your replies everyone it's really helping.

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