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Partner keeps bringing up termination really hurting me

(34 Posts)
Tryagain92 Mon 22-Feb-16 21:38:36

Hi all. I had a termination 4 yrs ago as I was about to start university and knew I couldn't cope and seriously it was the hardest decision of my life

My partner begged me to not do it.. At the time I didn't know why. Then I found out it was because he knew that if I had a baby he'd be able to stay in the country (hes not from the uk!!)

Since I finished uni, we tried again to get pregnant in 2013 but ended up being ectopic. Then again in may 2015 but it was another ectopic, had a chemical last month and im pregnant again.. So far so good. They saw a gest sac! Anyway he had a couple of drinks and then all of a sudden he brings up the abortion, talking about how old the child would be etc. I got very angry and basically told him to shut his f...king mouth then I said you carry on drinking and drown your sorrows because you're a sad loser. I don't mean to be harsh but it really angers me. He blames all my complications on my termination! I dont even know why im with him but even looking at him right now, he really makes my blood boil. I dont know how much longer i can keep up with all of this :'(

I dont even know why i am with him. I am completely and utterly trapped. sad

Owllady Mon 22-Feb-16 21:40:45

Why and how are you trapped? Can you explain?
He's boring vile and abusive sad

Believeitornot Mon 22-Feb-16 21:41:45

You should not have a child with thi man.

He sees you and a child as a road to a uk passport...:

Tryagain92 Mon 22-Feb-16 21:42:12

I don't know.. Now that I am pregnant I guess I am feeling really low. He's a lovely person when he doesn't drink! He said he'll stop when the baby is born but I guess once a drinker always a drinker :'(

RandomMess Mon 22-Feb-16 21:44:40

Why are you trapped?

Please don't have a life with someone who is being abusive towards you sad

Owllady Mon 22-Feb-16 21:44:53

People can stop drinking
But is he just like that anyway?
Drink is not an excuse to be vile to someone you are supposed to love

FoxFeatures Mon 22-Feb-16 21:47:29

He won't stop drinking and being vile. Don't bring your lovely baby into a home like this. Get rid of his abusive arse - you will feel so much better when you do.

0dfod Mon 22-Feb-16 21:51:22

He sounds abusive op, why do you want to be with someone like this?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Mon 22-Feb-16 21:52:23

He's not going to stop drinking.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 22-Feb-16 21:56:36

He said he'll stop when the baby is born

That will not happen and you know that you are best advised NOT to have a dc with this man as he will be in your life for the next 18 years and more.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 22-Feb-16 21:59:14

You have obviously gone through a lot to get pregnant, did you not feel like that about him until you were pregnant? Has his behaviour changed since you conceived?

I think him wanting a baby as a convenient visa would have been the end of things for me.

pallasathena Tue 23-Feb-16 08:54:39

I think you need to put yourself and the baby first. Your partner is abusive and controlling and from what you've said, it appears that you have very little self respect if you allow this behaviour to continue, if you allow him to have any say in your life. And if you put his name on the birth certificate then you are effectively chaining yourself to the idiot until your child is 18.
Its only as difficult as you think it is to free yourself from such a knob. I'd choose freedom every time if I were you.

Marchate Tue 23-Feb-16 08:58:43

He is mistreating you. He is selfish. He is abusive

You don't need him in your life

Mamaka Tue 23-Feb-16 09:24:30

If he has been in the UK the whole time you've been together he must have got some kind of visa by now anyway? What visa is he on?
Saying I'll stop drinking once the baby is here is just getting you off his case for a few months, it doesn't mean anything. When the baby is here he will use another far off deadline.

OhShutUpThomas Tue 23-Feb-16 09:27:21

Congratulations on your pregnancy flowers

But I don't think he'll stop drinking either. You're not trapped, you can leave any time.

Gazelda Tue 23-Feb-16 09:28:09

You are not trapped.
Do you love him? Can you see a long term future with him? Do you think he is with you for a UK visa?
Regardless of any of the above, you can make a life for you and your baby without the father (barring access visits if appropriate) if you wish.
Do you have anyone you can talk this over with to help you decide what you want?

Joysmum Tue 23-Feb-16 09:56:25

If you don't have a drink problem then it's no big deal not to drink and you don't need an excuse to stop. The fact that he needs that excuse means he has a drink problem.

PatriciaHolm Tue 23-Feb-16 10:15:45

He sees you as a broad mare to give him a baby and thus a uk passport. He's a deeply unpleasant man.

LaurieLemons Tue 23-Feb-16 10:42:04

Are you really trapped? Do you have family/friends you could stay with? Please try and think about your options, everyone has something. It will be even harder to get out once you have the baby (presumably not working/childcare expense).

You could do so much better!

MrsUniverse Tue 23-Feb-16 12:44:34

Please do not stay with this man.

Branleuse Tue 23-Feb-16 12:49:07

Maybe having a termination when he was completely against it has damaged your relationship beyond repair? It doesnt sound like either of you like or love each other much anymore

The termination was your right, and you absolutely did what you had to do, but that doesnt mean its always without consequence if only one of you wanted to do it. Hes obviously still hurting about it.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Tue 23-Feb-16 15:14:33

Having a baby here won't entitle him to settlement anyway.

TinklyLittleLaugh Tue 23-Feb-16 15:21:24

Some abusive men behave worse towards their partners when they are pregnant and "trapped". You are strong and brave, you have a degree that you made a tough decision to get. Don't waste your life on someone who makes you unhappy.

IamlovedbyG Tue 23-Feb-16 16:08:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 23-Feb-16 16:24:39

Agree with IamlovedbyG, that was really awful, OP. And, if you truly felt that he wanted you to be pregnant to get a UK visa, why did you stay with him and why are you having another with this man?

It would be better if you both cut your losses and found other relationships to be happy in because to bring a child into yours would be horrendous for the child.

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