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Unhealthy obsession with other man

(29 Posts)
Rainbows911 Mon 22-Feb-16 21:38:07

Hi everyone,

Been in a relationship since I was 16 years old - 8 years on we are still together now with 2 children and have bought a house together. I don't know if what I'm experiencing is the "7 year itch"/boredom/fedup but I give birth to my son July 2015 (he's now 7 months old).

8 weeks after giving birth I thought I was happy and went to some reunion with some old school friends. There was this man there called Dean who I had never seen before and as soon as I saw him I thought "hmm yeah he's OK looking" then thought nothing else of it. As the night went on we were all drinking and me and Dean got chatting - turns out he has a girlfriend and had lost a baby with her a year ago. It also turned out him and his girlfriend live on my partners moms road, which is 1 road away from me.. so that night dean dropped me home and tried it on with me - we ended up kissing and exchanging numbers. For about 2 months we text each other flirting ( I know it's not fair on my other half), he sent me dirty pictures and I stupidly sent him pictures of me in my bra and I was having an emotional affair. My partner knew something wasn't right with us so I admitted to him I felt strange about everything and explained I had been speaking to someone else. Obviously he was devastated and told me he knew who Dean was and not to talk to him again. Anyway I stopped speaking to the guy and a few weeks later me and my partner went for drinks at a club by where we live - by coincidence Dean was at the same club. Dean come over and hugged me in front of my partner (he's very cocky) and my partner stormed out very upset and went home. I said to Dean look how much trouble you've caused and I went home. When I got home my partner was passed out drunk and Dean was texting me drunk and coked off his face asking me to meet - turns out his own girlfriend was out that's why he wanted me to come over. The next morning I get a text from him saying "your a nice girl but I can't talk to you any more, the texting is getting too much and my girlfriend is on to it - I will talk to u when I see u around". So more like he was drunk, passed out and his girlfriend seen our texts. They've also bought a house together and he's 30 so they are serious. Since he sent that text we haven't spoken since - I replied ok and we haven't spoke for 6 months.

Because he cut it off with me I've been obsessed with him.. Looking at his and his girlfriends Facebook etc just constantly thinking about it. He's bad for me and I know it - me and my partner have our own home, 2 beautiful children and are very lucky for the luxuries we have at our age. But no - I'm obsessed with some guy who takes Coke on nights out and thinks it's ok to cheat on his partner and will never leave her ? Why is he constantly on my mind ?!? I still want to talk to him but I can't. He is totally wrong for me in every way. I drive past him now and again when I drop my children off at their grandparents and just wonder what it is that made him not want to talk to me anymore - was it too obvious I liked him ? His other half is stunning so don't know why he cheats on her. She is the same age as me (24) and also has a 4 year old from a previous relationship. I'm unhealthily obsessed and don't know what to do/who to turn to. I can't love him because I hardly know him!!!

Please don't put me down I just want advice - It's strange because I look In the mirror at myself and appear normal - but in my head/mind I'm going crazy and know this just isn't right.

0dfod Mon 22-Feb-16 21:48:07

Op have you ever read anything on limerence

The only way to deal with this is to cut him out of your life, you need to go cold turkey.

Have you had any counselling? You should be able to access this via your gp.

You must be honest with your dh, you have lots of mending to do.

Daenerys2 Mon 22-Feb-16 22:01:51

I'm in a very similar situation with a very similar sounding man. It's a year on since it started and I can honestly say it has been hell. I wish I'd never got involved; it has ruined me. I get the obsession - it's because we crave what we cannot have. I am nearly 40, have 2 beautiful children, very good job and did have a decent marriage but I have been in self destruct mode for the last year and have basically fucked my life up. Don't obsess over him. I have and am now starting counselling to try to get over him. I really feel for you x

I want to tell you about a quote I read a year or so ago and remembered....'The grass is always greener on the other side, but if you spend time tending to your own grass, it could be just as green'.

Real relationships are about love, trust and companionship. Not the initial excitement from flirting and being secretive you get from an affair.

At the end of the day you are human and you have needs. You had a little distraction for a while from the norm but I would question why? Focus on your DP, give him the attention you were giving to this Dean person, he deserves it, Dean doesn't. You may rediscover old feelings for your DP and find some excitement in your relationship again, it's hard with two DCs but not impossible.

Rainbows911 Mon 22-Feb-16 22:07:08

Thank you odfod - I had never heard of limerence before but reading it now there is a lot of it I can relate to - I've NEVER ever felt like committing suicide but the rest of it I can really relate too. I mean I remember feeling like this about another boy a long long time ago (when I was about 12 years old maybe) but after a few years my feelings faded as I met my current partmer when I was 13 and liked him from when I first met him and we got together at 15/16 years old. It was always on and off with my current partner when we were 13/14 but I'm thinking is limerence what I have been experiencing for all this time/a very young age?

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 22-Feb-16 22:22:26

"They've also bought a house together and he's 30 so they are serious."

Ha ha ha ha. Yes, so serious that he has affairs with other women hmm. The man's a rat and he is not serious about his girlfriend, OP. Age and property ownership are not indicators of a solid relationship. Nor is having children together.

The only indicators of a solid relationship is if the two parties respect and care for each other, and follow that up with the right actions.

Why do you think you were willing to jeapordize your own relationship in this way? It might be worth asking yourself a few questions, perhaps with the help of a therapist.

As for your obsession with this guy: cold turkey. Block his and her pages on Facebook. When thoughts about him intrude on your mind, actively force yourself to think of something else. Time and distance is the cure to infatuation.

But take the time to figure out why you were so willing to cheat, or this risks happening again.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 22-Feb-16 22:32:19

'A guy who thinks its ok to cheat on his partner' - bit like you then?

I would take a long hard look at your relationship as you're obviously not content, this is all so unfair on your partner.

Rainbows911 Mon 22-Feb-16 23:05:11

Yes I know it's unfair what I did/how I'm feeling but I'm trying to get out of this mess. I just don't understand why I'm thinking about this stupid person all the time when i would only get my heart broken yet I still itch to just speak to him? I have no idea what is wrong with me. Reading this back to myself I actually sound crazy but it's how I feel. Just lost with what to do. Before I met him I felt fine between my and my other half.

Fratelli Tue 23-Feb-16 06:25:07

You can't really get on your high horse about him cheating when you're no better. Block and delete his number and block them both on Facebook etc. Get some counselling or couples counselling.

Rainbows911 Tue 23-Feb-16 21:25:32

Still feel totally shit about it all. My other half is so happy and I'm just here like depressed as fuck over some idiot who goes around cheating 24/7 yet still stays with his other half saying he loves her? Lol not that I can talk. Anyway I've got a dr's appointment tomorrow but don't even know where to start - I feel shy talking to my GP as I'm going to sound crazy but it's been like the since my son has been 2 months old - he's now nearly 8 months. On the outside I'm like what the hell is wrong with you it would never work and would never respect you but inside I just want to talk to him and hate the fact he doesn't want to "chat" anymore because of his other half - which is a good thing i guess- at least he's respecting her slightly now meanwhile I'm here with my partner totally confused!!!!!!!

Sorry to rant everyone x

Justaboy Tue 23-Feb-16 23:59:38

I bet. That if you did have an affair or something similar you'd be regretting it for evermore. The man's a total twat and I just hope that you can realise that and see what a fool your making of yourself 'cos thats the way it looks from here.

isthismylifenow Wed 24-Feb-16 08:06:12

He is probably everything that your DP is not.... so I think you found him exciting and it was something new and different.

As mentioned already, you need to block him, delete any numbers, facebook or any other way of being able to communicate with him. Drive to your pil another way so you don't go past his house, its just tempting to do that just incase you get a look of him one day.

I know you have 2 young children, so I am sure that they keep you busy, but are your days filled mentally? Do you work or stay at home? Maybe you are just looking for some excitement in your life, and Dean just happened to come along and you think that void was filled. Then, the fact that he messaged you and said not to contact anymore, well, anyone would feel rejected by that.... its playing on your mind now as he sort of 'got the upper hand' there where stopping contact was concerned.

But he is not available to you. You have to accept that. Put your focus and energy into your relationship and dc.

Rainbows911 Wed 24-Feb-16 08:54:42

I work 8-4 three days a week.. I find I'm kind of ok when I'm at work or I'm busy.. It's mainly in the evening it hits me.. Especially when my partner works till 10pm every other week so I'm on my own in the evenings every other week. Got the doctors at 10 o'clock today anyway. I mean I did report feeling down after my son was born but I don't feel it's my son that's actually triggered a this ! Think it's the fact of knowing what I can't have - how pathetic !

isthismylifenow Wed 24-Feb-16 09:28:34

I think that it is possible that you have a bit of PND OP. Good luck, kup with what dr says.

And you are NOT pathetic!

isthismylifenow Thu 25-Feb-16 06:39:11

Rainbows, how did it go at dr?

Rainbows911 Wed 22-Jun-16 16:27:59

Hey guys thought I would give a quick update .. I bottled it at drs , too ashamed to say anything even though I was in an awful place. I came off my mini pill as I thought this could be part of the reason I felt like it. Few months on and I'm stronger, still think about him now and then and know it would have turned into a disaster if I kept speaking to him as he's a cheat smile

adora1 Wed 22-Jun-16 16:43:30

You seem to forget OP, you are a cheat as well so just as bad as him, in fact, you both sound about 15 years old, I pity your partners, hopefully they will realise they can so much better than either of you.

You are getting off on the drama and the lust, try growing up, you sound really pathetic, especially putting all the blame on him.

You can't possibly love your partner so do the right thing and go find someone who excites you as much as this guy did, then again, the excitement probably only came from the fact that neither of you are available, not that that stopped either of you.

He sounds a right catch, coke taking cheat, you won't be the only one OP.

Rainbows911 Wed 22-Jun-16 17:22:51

I was merely saying how I can't believe what a bad place I was in. Yeah what I did was wrong, I had an emotional affair. Any one who has been in a relationship 10 years, 2 children, house together hadn't thought about life on the other side? Well I have now and it = divorce. No one is perfect.

TheNotoriousPMT Wed 22-Jun-16 17:30:05

his other half is stunning so don't know why he cheats on her

Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce. People don't cheat because there is something inadequate about their partner, they cheat because there is something inadequate about them. My guess is that you may have PND, and even if not, having a baby isn't the most glamorous of enterprises. Dean came along and gave you a bit of excitement and a bit of attention. You aren't thinking about him because there's anything special about him (there really isn't), you're thinking about him because you are bored and miserable. Hope you manage to sort it out.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Wed 22-Jun-16 17:33:36

Have to confess it irritates me when on these type of threads people post a link about 'limerence'. Suddenly crap behaviour is medicalised as a condition that deserves understanding and consideration.

Rainbows911 Wed 22-Jun-16 17:40:51

I thought PND would affect how you feel about your baby not your partner ? And I dno it might have been limmerence as I was very obsessed but these feelings are gradually fading. Don't know what's up with me either but it's getting better slowly.

sorryoldwoman Tue 13-Sep-16 01:22:44

Obviously there are people who have never experienced this. Consider yourself lucky but if you can't be a little supportive and less narrow minded you should keep your unhelpful comments to yourself. I'm a 63 year old woman going through this. It's a very serious problem and as I look back over my life I've had similar short episodes but this time it's much more powerful. The pain is intense. I pray it will pass. I had 30 years of a comfortable relationship till two years ago I met this man and my life hasn't been the same. It's a hellish experience. It's no help being judged.

PushingThru Tue 13-Sep-16 03:05:52

Deans will come & go - work on your relationship & decent happy life. X

sorryoldwoman Tue 13-Sep-16 05:11:11

Thanks your message actual helped me. X

RainbowDash92 Tue 13-Sep-16 05:50:29

Hey I posted this 7 months ago now. Firstly hugs if you are experiencing this. Sorryoldwoman massive hugs for you.

Here is my personal update 7 months down the line - I had a night out in Feb & bumped into this guy and we was chatting. His girlfriend walked into the bar and seen us talking so that turned into a huge row between them. After flirting with me he then went and chased after her. I then stupidly took that opportunity to text him saying I hope he's not in trouble. His girlfriend then text me back asking what had gone on between us and why do I keep trying to talk to him, am I obsessed, am I trying to split them up etc. This then hit me - his poor gf was me 3 years ago, asking another woman what had happened between her and my partner. My partner finished with me for 3 weeks 3 years ago for someone he met on a works night out. It nearly destroyed me back then - me and my OH were only 21 at the time & had bought a house together 3 months prior. So I told myself chasing after this guy is just going to far now. So I told her nothing had happened (obv it had when we first met but he cut contact with me for her), and that I wouldn't contact again, and I haven't. sorry old woman, firstly hugs for you. He then messaged me in March at 4am asking if I was ok, what I had been doing and why I don't speak to him anymore. I presumed this was his gf pretending to be him as he was probably out on another bender and hadn't come home maybe. I ignored it. Since then I've not even seen him around thank god.

I then went abroad with my partner in May - he proposed after 8 years and I said yes. The thought of loosing my OH petrifies me. We have been together since teenagers. We have our ups and downs (bickering, work and kids getting us down) but after a few days we are always good again.

I started to feel really down about it all again 3 weeks ago and my partner was getting really concerned with my low moods/crying in the evening. So I went the Drs, who offered me some ADs but he said he wants to try therapy first so I'm on the waiting list to speak to someone. To be honest it could be a factor of things why I feel up and down. Life's natural stresses and an alcoholic father who doesn't bother with me or my children.

Congrats if you managed to read all of this xxxx

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