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Please help. Partner job hopping. Am I being unreasonable?

(21 Posts)
emotionwreckage Mon 22-Feb-16 18:47:01

I'm on a bit of a state tonight. Just rung do and yet again something has happened in his job that he once liked and now wants to leave only 5 months later. We've been together 6 years and he has had multiple jobs. Something always goes wrong and he leaves. He does tend to find another job before leaving but there is a period of grief before and some financial hardship that falls on me briefly. I have fallen apart at this latest blow because I thought all was ok. I've told him it's not ok and that I can't go through another job trauma. He says I'm unsupportive and over reacting which I feel very angry about. I feel like. I can't cope with the upset anymore. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but I've said I won't support yet another job move. I'm dreading him coming home as he is upset with me. He doesn't seem to get it. Any thoughts?im in pieces over it.

summerainbow Mon 22-Feb-16 18:51:27

Are you married?
Do you kids with him?
Do you or he kids with ex?

emotionwreckage Mon 22-Feb-16 18:52:44

Not married. No kids with him. 23 year old daughter lives with us.

emotionwreckage Mon 22-Feb-16 18:53:18

Meant to say 13 year old.

LIZS Mon 22-Feb-16 18:56:54

It is easier to find a new job if you are working. Short term work would ring alarm bells and I wonder if he is embellishing the truth each time. What triggers these moves? If he can't cope perhaps a different line of work would suit better.

temporarilyjerry Mon 22-Feb-16 18:57:37

How long have you been together? What is the situation wrt housing?

emotionwreckage Mon 22-Feb-16 19:02:30

He's working self employed for a contractor. He heard today that his big boss has threatened to sack him and another guy if he doesn't finish this job by Wednesday. He hasn't even been on this job until today so appears very unreasonable. I told him to talk to his immediate manager first and that perhaps guy who gave him this information is not being truthful or misunderstood. We live in a house owned by me.

Marchate Mon 22-Feb-16 19:07:55

Has he always flitted from job to job, even before you knew him?

Gobbolino6 Mon 22-Feb-16 19:11:57

My DH does this and I find it incredibly wearing and stressful. I try to be supportive but he's on his third job this tax year, which is a record even for him, and I really want him to stay in this one for a while.

LIZS Mon 22-Feb-16 19:23:16

It sounds like hearsay. Is someone stirring it for their own ends? Does he ever finish a contract or bail yo avoid asserting himself?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 22-Feb-16 19:23:46

If you detect a pattern, you can't help but wonder. People who are unhappy with themselves start blaming their current situation and resort to a quick fix solution, seeking some way of ‘escaping’ their unhappiness. The problem is that wherever he goes, he takes himself and his unhappiness with him. So simply changing jobs isn't the solution.

In this instance there may be a genuine grievance. From your point of view you want stability and you have a teen who's financially dependent on you.

Won't prospective employers question why he jumps ship so often? Knowing you have his back, maybe he quits too easily. Now you are starting to object, suddenly you are unsupportive.

PushingThru Mon 22-Feb-16 19:29:06

For some people, it's easier to jump ship & start afresh than solve problems. It's not a trait that bodes well for secure adult life. Does he hate criticism?

PushingThru Mon 22-Feb-16 19:29:55

I mean, none of us like it; but does he respond particularly badly?

goddessofsmallthings Mon 22-Feb-16 19:33:14

He does tend to find another job before leaving but there is a period of grief before and some financial hardship that falls on me briefly

How much 'financial hardship' has fallen on you during the 6 years that he and his 13yo dd have been living in the house that you own and does he make good the financial hardship you've sustained each time he begins another job?

newname99 Mon 22-Feb-16 19:41:27

What industry is he in? Sounds as if he can't handle the pressure that comes with some industries.Construction is an example, when deadlines looms it's all very tense and there is a culture of threatening to sack (which as he's self employed largely means he'll be replaced) and people do walk off jobs.

He maybe in a sector where staff turnover is high so can't be judged in the same way as say public sector jobs.

I totally understand the fallout and worry it causes however as was in the same position with an ex.

tribpot Mon 22-Feb-16 21:01:26

I take it you're living together, and you can't cover all of your expenses from your salary alone? (Obviously most people can't).

I wouldn't be able to cope with that constant upheaval either, but I think your choices are pretty stark. In your shoes I would want home of my own, and continuing the relationship with him (assuming everything else about it is fine) without any financial ties. I'm amazed he's managing to find work with such a patchy employment record. It will only get harder for him to find work.

Is the 13 year old yours or his?

silverfoxofwarwick1952 Mon 22-Feb-16 21:11:26

Just a thought but the people I know who tend to go from job to job are not employable. They should be their own boss and start their own business. Normally best as a Number 1 not a number 2. (Being a self-employed contractor is not really being ones own boss).

OccultGnuToo Tue 23-Feb-16 09:27:03

This sounds just like my first H. We met through work, both working in the same industry in which at the time it was fairly easy to move around and find new jobs.

We both started work at the same place in the same week, started going out, fell in love and got married in the space of a year. Both still working together. Not long after the wedding he said we should both leave the jobs and look for other work. Without actually having other jobs to go to before quitting. Being v young, foolish and in love I agreed.

I secured work not long after, he embarked on a pattern of finding a job, stating it was the best job in the world, so much better than the last one. Then some minor niggles would creep in, it wasn't such a good place to work. Then it was awful, they didn't appreciate his talents, he wasn't happy, would start missing work altogether, they would then part "through mutual agreement" and he would be unemployed for a while.

In the meantime stupid loved up me was still working at the same job wondering why his talents were so unappreciated and keeping the home running on my wages alone.

We didn't have kids. Thank God.

I gradually recognised the pattern that was playing out in front of me, each time the cycle repeated it was a bit quicker and by the end was taking three to six months each time.

I was still in the same job after eight years and didn't want to move around in case I jeopardised a steady income. Finally one of my work friends took me to one side and said that she felt he would never change, she knew of other relationships where one partner would behave like this and the other was always left to pick up the pieces and she felt I was worth more than that.

It took me another year to separate from him. And I was a risk averse wreck at the end of it. And yes he felt I was unsupportive and overreacting. However although after we split I missed him and we'd had good times together I found I didn't miss the constant "on edge" feeling wondering when he would start finding his latest job unsuitable.

This is one very biased viewpoint but it really really isn't worth spending your life feeling like that. You come to resent your partner for not contributing equally and equally resenting them not recognising when they are failing to do so. Resentment in a relationship is a killer.

Sorry to hijack with my own story, I don't often re-visit those times in my head but your circumstances struck a chord. Good luck whatever happens.

Jan45 Tue 23-Feb-16 15:42:08

6 years together and he's had multiple jobs, sorry but you are not being unreasonable, he is, he also seems to assume you should have the same mindset as him, I don't and most others don't, jobs are very hard to come by these days, the interruptions in his job record look bad on him and may also affect his state pension, depending on his age of course.

He's angry at you for you being pissed off he's packed yet another job in after 5 months - what a fucken cheek!

Time for some tough talking, I could not live like this, how do you plan a future.

Jan45 Tue 23-Feb-16 15:44:29

I guarantee he'd not be so quick to pack jobs in if you were not around to save his sorry ass.

emotionwreckage Tue 23-Feb-16 21:18:17

Occult I feel exactly the same as you describe. I've developed an ongoing anxiety around his jobs so it probably does seem like I'm over reacting. As you say it's alright for a bit but quickly goes stale. The strain of it is feeling too much for me at the moment. I must say however that he has definitely been badly treated this week so it's hard to not sympathise. The construction industry is bloody tough. He went self employed for a bit and gave his all but couldn't earn enough money so he had to give it up. I don't know what to think really.

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