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A barefoot conundrum concerning boundaries (D/s)

(117 Posts)
violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 12:04:24

If anyone can help me figure this one out I would really appreciate it as I can't seem to come to a conclusion.

So living apart from my ex. I have a new guy. He has a new woman and I am genuinely very happy for him. The other fact is that all four of us are in D/s relationships; indeed my ex was my first Dom. Ex and I have two kids, 7 and 9.

Right so. Ex lives with new woman in the house that we both own. Now my ex has a very specific fetish; a foot one to be precise. He especially likes heels and very much likes barefoot women.

The new lady enjoys walking around barefoot and I do genuinely believe that this is something she has always done. However, ex is obviously 'over the moon' that she is this way inclined. The trouble is; they are doing this around the kids.

So in autumn last year, my youngest, DS1, comes to me and says that they all went for a walk in the local woods and the new woman was barefoot.

Now on the face of it, you can say 'what's wrong with walking around barefoot'? and that is absolutely correct; it's a natural state to be in. But.. but.. this is a fetish of my ex's and try as I might, there is something about this that disturbs me. Believe me, I am very very broad minded. But this is different; these are my children.

This all escalated last night when, again, DS2 comes to me and starts describing the new shoes the woman has. It wasn't clear if he was talking about pointe shoes or fetish ballet boots. Cue a monster argument this morning. They were ballet shoes. Pointe shoes. I would not be suprised that the ballet lessons she is meant to be taking though are in order for her to wear those fetish shoes as, guess what, that is another big one of his. But regardless; DS2 had found them and wanted to try them on which he did.

I really don't care what they get up to; truly I don't but I am obviously really concerned about any impact it might have on the kids. I appreciate that this really is a very fine edge to this situation. It hinges on perception.

So, I have talked to him about the barefoot issue and he has minimised it, as I expected he would do.

So; what do I do? What can I do? Am I a raving loon? grin

MadisonMontgomery Sun 21-Feb-16 12:09:57

Umm. No real advice but I can see where you're coming from! I mean, there's nothing wrong with going barefoot - I generally have bare feet around the house in summer, but it's that I guess it's turning your ex on? You can't really say anything about that, I presume he wouldn't do/say anything in front of the kids, but the shoe thing I think needs to be kept away from them.

TheStoic Sun 21-Feb-16 12:11:27

I wouldn't be happy with someone introducing their fetish to daily life around my children, no matter how 'innocent' it appeared to be on the surface.

One day they will look back, put 2 and 2 together, and feel violated.

violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 12:15:12

Thanks TheStoic the very point I made to my ex this morning. he came back with "well, all kids are grossed out when they find teir parents have sex"

Again, true. I know I was.

I just am not sure what I can do about it. Both are refusing to stop.

violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 12:15:58

I presume he wouldn't do/say anything in front of the kids,

Yes, I believe he wouldn't. He is a good Dad.

TheStoic Sun 21-Feb-16 12:27:51

well, all kids are grossed out when they find teir parents have sex

"And imagine how much more traumatic it would be if their parents were having sex in front of them every day before they even understood what it was."

He is doing it in front of the kids. They just don't understand it...yet.

Is that part of the appeal for him?

violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 12:29:39

Is that part of the appeal for him?

I seriously hope not.

Flanks Sun 21-Feb-16 12:29:51

Man's perspective incoming.

If I happen to find low cut tops attractive, and I enjoy my wife wearing them and she happens to wear them when our son is around, is this introducing a fetish?

The same with any sort of outfit or any part of her physical appearance?

If I happen to compliment my wife, saying that she looks attractive today in that outfit, with my son nearby, am I introducing a fetish?

Let's say I like the appearance of my wife when she wears a pair of boots, and she wears them when we go for our date night, leaving our boy at home with a sitter. Is it acceptable for me to comment on the fact that she looks attractive before we leave the house, when our son is still around?

While I appreciate that this foot thing on the part of your ex makes you feel uncomfortable, I would suggest (from the information you have given) that the discomfort is largely because you don't like the fact that he finds feet attractive, and hence why you call it a 'fetish' instead of saying she has pretty feet. You feel it is weird and unusual.

For the sake of clarity, if I were to comment on my wife being attractive while my son is nearby then this is clearly fine.

e.g. Me to wife: You look very lovely today.

No problem at all.

e.g. 2, Me to wife: You look HOT today and I want to screw you immediately.

Problem, because it is explicitly introducing a sexual context in to the environment with my son. Not because I find her attractive, but because of the way it is being expressed in a specific context.

In my opinion, as long as your children are not being encouraged to take part in any conversation or activity which exposes them inappropriately there is no issue here at all.

Isetan Sun 21-Feb-16 12:32:57

I don't know what the problem is and I'd really have to challenge your 'broad mindedness'. Apart from your kids thinking a country walk barefoot, is a bit odd, how is this affecting them? Which ultimately is what this should be about, the effect this is having on your children, not you. How would you react if he took the kids to the beach, where barefooted females are likely to be aplenty?

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs Sun 21-Feb-16 12:34:59

No, YANBU.

Her walking around barefoot like this is bringing their sex life into family time where it should have no place at all. It's incredibly inappropriate. The fact that it doesn't involve genitals is besides the point. Presumably they are both getting aroused by this? And in front of the kids? Yuk.

Isetan Sun 21-Feb-16 12:35:07

as long as your children are not being encouraged to take part in any conversation or activity which exposes them inappropriately there is no issue here at all.

This

violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 12:38:52

that the discomfort is largely because you don't like the fact that he finds feet attractive, and hence why you call it a 'fetish' instead of saying she has pretty feet. You feel it is weird and unusual.

Whoah! Hold on there cow-boy!! grin

I am a very very broad minded submissive of some 10 years standing. We have a saying in the community which is Your Kink Is Not My Kink But That's OK.

The discomfort I am feeling is that this IS a fetish which means that it gives sexual excitement to the person with the fetish. It is sexually arousing. I hold no view on whether this lady's feet are pretty; it is irrelevant in the context of my question. I certainly do not find it weird or unusual cos guess what? I used to do that sort of thing with him myself but NEVER around the children.

In my opinion, as long as your children are not being encouraged to take part in any conversation or activity which exposes them inappropriately there is no issue here at all

I have not yet fully formed an opinion but I am tending to believe that they are being exposed.

violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 12:41:14

Isetan

Yeah... I take your point re the beach and that's why I am having a very difficult time making my mind up. What is appropriate? A bikini or topless at a beach? No of course not! Barefoot women wriggling their toes in the sand? Not at all...

Barefoot in the woods on a chilly September day?...

violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 12:42:10

Presumably they are both getting aroused by this?

I think so. Her by pleasing him (as subs want to do) and him because it's his fetish.

miaowli Sun 21-Feb-16 12:42:48

Well, each to their own! However, this involves your children, so you are bound to be particularly vigilant. I'm assuming that their behaviour around the children is otherwise discreet and appropriate? I don't think bare feet outside, although somewhat unusual (and uncomfortable!), and a pair of ballet shoes are going to, of themselves, cause the children any upset. If they started playing footsie in the woods, or pirouetting into the bedroom together in front of them, that would be another matter. I wouldn't worry too much unless the children say anything which might lead you to think that there has been any inappropriate behaviour in front of them. I don't think finding a ballet shoe, when gf is taking ballet lessons, is particularly strange. I can think of many more traumatising things for children to stumble across in any household!

violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 12:43:48

* I don't think finding a ballet shoe, when gf is taking ballet lessons, is particularly strange. I can think of many more traumatising things for children to stumble across in any household!*

Totally true. In agreement.

pinkyredrose Sun 21-Feb-16 12:46:32

Your kids see a woman's bare feet. They aren't being subjected to a fetish. The fetish lies within your ex only. Don't see the problem.

Flanks Sun 21-Feb-16 12:48:19

*I am a very very broad minded submissive of some 10 years standing. We have a saying in the community which is Your Kink Is Not My Kink But That's OK.

The discomfort I am feeling is that this IS a fetish which means that it gives sexual excitement to the person with the fetish. It is sexually arousing.*

Sorry if I offended you pardner smile

However, I am still unclear where the situation with feet is different to me finding my wife attractive in a pair of boots, or a particular top/outfit.

In my opinion, the distinction is (at the very most) wafer thin and therefore entirely in the mind of the perceiver, in this case you. Hence why I made my comment about you.

If I am way off base (entirely possible on a message board) then fair enough and I apologise absolutely.

IrenetheQuaint Sun 21-Feb-16 12:50:09

I think for me it would depend on the emotional/conversational context.

DC: why aren't you wearing any shoes?
GF: I just like it, the ground feels nice on my feet

- probably fine

DC: why aren't you wearing any shoes?
Ex: because she has pretty feet and I like to look at them

- not fine at all

violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 12:57:10

And no offense taken! grin

Indeed, I started to respond to your point about finding your wife attractive and promptly realised I was about to argue against my own point! So scratching my head here

Googling 'fetish'

Sexual fetishism or erotic fetishism is a sexual focus on a nonliving object or nongenital body part.

I kind of think that the distinction needs to be drawn between a less usual form of sexual arousal (i.e the feet) and a more 'normal' type of arousal, e.g a good looking woman. I hate the word 'normal' in this context.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 21-Feb-16 12:57:35

Barefoot in the house - fine, barefoot in the countryside - stupid.

She's modelling stupid behaviour. I'd be v annoyed.

PushingThru Sun 21-Feb-16 13:01:06

Going for a walk in woods barefoot does transgress social norms to a point where a child has commented on it. They really do need to erect some proper boundaries around fetishes so they're not exposing children to them & I'd be looking for reassurance on that.

specialsubject Sun 21-Feb-16 13:02:05

quite a few New Zealanders would disagree with that last statement.. you often see bare feet there.

their plants are much less spiky than ours, though.

violettahatesoperatta Sun 21-Feb-16 13:03:42

Going for a walk in woods barefoot does transgress social norms to a point where a child has commented on it.

Agreed.

They really do need to erect some proper boundaries around fetishes so they're not exposing children to them & I'd be looking for reassurance on that.

I tried to do that when I was made aware back in the autumn. I tried again today and he point blank refused to modify their behaviour.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 21-Feb-16 13:04:17

Well hopefully she walked into some dog shit or syringes and won't do it again.

I wouldn't want someone that stupid involved with my kids but hey...that's what the ex likes.

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