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Getting over my abuser

(14 Posts)
EveryoneHasAStory Sun 21-Feb-16 05:50:17

So I'm just looking for your stories, anyone who has been in an abusive relationship, how long did it take you to get over them?

So I don't know how this will affect how fast I'm able to move on:
I didn't realise I was being abused, a professional told me and helped me take the steps to ensure me and dd were safe.
We have a dd together.
The relationship itself was 32months long.
I still keep questioning if he was being abusive, and feel tremendous guilt for accepting help and looking at him as an abuser.

He however on top of all the abuse:
Refused to pay any remaining rent and bills leaving me to use my savings to cover it - I'm a student
Joined a dating website straight away
Went and bought a car costing hundreds a month
Despite not bothering with dd, I think he will end up to taking me to court for access

Ss are involved and I'm protecting dd by leaving him but I will never trust him with her alone and can't bare the thought of being forced to allow that by a court. Hearing he was an abuser came as such a shock but at the same time a relief that I wasn't going mad. He can't do any more to hurt me and yet part of me still can't get over him. It's still a very recent breakup but it upsets me that I'm even thinking about him still when he doesn't deserve it.
I feel so stupid for thinking it was normal, for thinking the relationship was real and felt close enough to get engaged to him and have dd. I know I will be ok eventually and I will never ever go back to him but at night I feel so lonely, I find myself pining for that abusive man sad I let myself be vulnerable, and all along I was with a master manipulator I feel so so stupid and angry

NewStartNow Sun 21-Feb-16 07:02:25

I left 3 weeks ago but I don't actually miss him. I'd probably disengaged a bit more than you before I left. The thought that helps me is that the lovely man I met doesn't exist anymore and will never revert back. The loneliness is a temporary thing and I feel it's needed to reflect on why we get ourselves into these relationships. I'm surrounding myself with family and am awaiting my place on the Freedom programme soon which will at the very least put me in touch with other women who've been through the same. Perhaps you should contact women's aid and see what help they can give you.
I too have a young child and a court access battle to look forward to. And he's also being difficult about money too.
You're not alone. Xx

NewStartNow Sun 21-Feb-16 07:07:14

Sorry if it seemed I hijacked your post there. The lovely women of mumsnet will be along to help you shortly ( the ones who having got toddlers waking them up at 5am) x

EveryoneHasAStory Sun 21-Feb-16 07:25:04

NewStartNow you haven't hijacked thanks for sharing, I think what doesn't help me is I didn't see him as abusive because it became so normal. The social worker is referring me to the freedom programme too, it angers me that they treat us so badly and expect to see the dcs. There shouldn't even be a battle on our hands, they put our dcs in danger angry

NewStartNow Sun 21-Feb-16 07:49:19

Took me a while to realise too. I'm a bit of a fixer. It was when I started to challenge him on his behaviour it got worse. My ex didn't physically harm me or dd but did threaten suicide. What was the final straw for you?

EveryoneHasAStory Sun 21-Feb-16 09:10:49

Stop! That's exactly what mine did to me, and I left him three weeks ago also! He held me hostage in the bathroom with him and a knife, and told me I had to watch him kill himself, then ss got involved, told me he was being abusive that was the final straw. You?

NewStartNow Sun 21-Feb-16 09:44:07

Just verbal abuse then up in my face, spying on my phone and Internet then ultimately three furniture and glasses and smashed a phone up. Cornered me in the kitchen and berated me about my housekeeping skills then threatened suicide.
A knife... That must have been so scary! Where was dd and how old is she?

Ludways Sun 21-Feb-16 09:46:19

I'm 17 years post leaving an abusive relationship. Yes, it was hard at first as I missed the nice him, when he wasn't abusive he was great. The missing him lasted on and off for a year with things wearing off gradually, until I made the mistake of sleeping with him after a mutual friends wedding. Actually, I say it was a mistake but it was a release, I cried through it and hated it, it switched any feeling I had for him off permanently. I absolutely do not recommend it though, lol. Stay well clear if your dh.

I rarely give ex a moments thought now. He's married and seems happy and I'm happily married to a great guy. Dh is not perfect but he's loving, trusting and great fun to be with, he's not abusive and I'm not scared of him. Just as it should be.

Stick with it through the hard times, it'll be tough and people won't understand why you miss him, so you'll get little support for those feelings and no chance to express them. You may even find yourself defending him but you must stay strong and move to an abuse free future. It's hard but you can do it.

EveryoneHasAStory Sun 21-Feb-16 09:48:50

I'm so sorry, I'm glad you're out of it and safe. It's disgusting that people think they can treat anyone like that. Dd was downstairs I had put her in her bouncer earlier, he took my phone and stamped on it when I threatened to call the police. I walked in to the bathroom and turned round and he had been down to get a knife. Supposedly he didn't know what he was doing and was out of control. He was in control enough not to actually kill himself despite forcing me to watch him hold a knife to his neck. Dds not even 6 months sad

EveryoneHasAStory Sun 21-Feb-16 09:51:47

Ludways I'm definitely not going back to him ever ever again. He's dangerous, people around him now wouldn't have a clue, nor would people he meets in future, which makes him more scary I think. It's nice that you've found someone else who loves and cares about you, and doesn't scare you just like it should be. I do hope one day I can find that too. I think the only time it will get harder than this now is if he decides to go to court

Ludways Sun 21-Feb-16 10:37:02

It is scary that people have no idea what they're like behind closed doors, no one had a clue what he was doing to me, I hid it so well. He has been married 3 times since we split up, the first lasted only 3 weeks until he bit her, her brothers sorted him out. I got all this from his sister. She says he's settled down now, I just keep my opinions to myself.

So glad that even though you miss him In some ways, you sound so strong and determined to make this work for you and your dd. You should be proud of yourself and your strength.

EveryoneHasAStory Sun 21-Feb-16 15:35:34

So I went back to the house we lived in as a family to collect some more thing and now I'm a mess again sad how could I get is so wrong. He should have been happier that we had a baby and were a proper family, but he doesn't seem to have liked or been able to cope with the extra responsibility. I'm so sad

Marchate Sun 21-Feb-16 18:57:53

It isn't the extra responsibility he can't cope with. It's losing his importance. He doesn't like that he can no longer claim number one place in your life

Keep your head screwed onto your shoulders! He won't change. Don't believe the lies he will tell to persuade you he's not all bad

EveryoneHasAStory Sun 21-Feb-16 20:13:41

Marchate it's funny you should say that, I remember him telling me all my time is taken up by the baby, during the last dv incident when I said I need to get to the baby, he said that's all you care about. I thought that was normal jealousy as I wasn't spending much time with him? I won't believe him if he does decide to come back (it doesn't look like he will). My dd is far more important to me than any man

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