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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

please help

29 replies

Inneedofadvice553 · 20/02/2016 19:48

My dp has let me down so badly tonight. I am a lone parent to a school age child. Been with my dp 3.5 years. we do not live together due to my partners fear of commitment,
I have given everything recently in terms of spending a lot of time with dps family on a holiday
Tonight we were supposed to be at a mutual friends birthday. I am long term unwell so couldn't go so dp agreed to stay with me tonight, my dd is at her grandparents
During the course of today dd has become very unwell and grandparents are talking about taking her to emergency doctor tonight.
My dp decided last min to cancel on me, citing the birthday party more important than a romantic meal (bought and in the car on the way to mine) due to having family issues.
I am now home alone so worried about my dd---have offered to drive to grndparents but it is 4 hours away and they have said not until the morning despite taking her to the doctor tonight.
I just can't understand how my dp (childless) can leave me alone and in tears so dp can party at a friends party who has been my friend for twice the length he has known dp.
I understand dp has had a difficult day with their parents mental health issues but I feel totally let down as a partner on one level and to now find out dd is quite sick I cant understand why dp is not here supporting me.
am I selfish to want dp here even though I know dp has had a difficult day? I don't know what to do. want to ring dp and scream, I want to be with my dd, I don't know what to do

OP posts:

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Buzzardbird · 20/02/2016 19:53

I am so sorry that you are going through a tough time. I guess your DP needed a restpite? I am sorry that you are going through it all alone. i suspect he will be sorry tomorrow.

Tartypants · 20/02/2016 19:57

I think sometimes when you are very worried about a DC, it can transfer to other things as you can't bear to think about it. If it was me, if I could I would go to be with DD. You know her better than anyone else, and if she's ill she will likely want you. DP didn't know that your DD was going to get ill, and he (he?) maybe didn't think the meal was that important to you to do today. Admittedly he could've told you that earlier. But family parties can be important, maybe he was under pressure to go.

Marchate · 20/02/2016 19:58

Is your partner a man or a woman, OP? You haven't used any personal pronouns as far as I can see

PurpleDaisies · 20/02/2016 20:00

It sounds like you've had a rotten day. Do you have something nice you can do for a bit of distraction? Maybe a dvd box set or something on the tv.

I can understand why you're upset with your partner and it's not very nice that they've changed their mind on going to to party. But I guess from their point of view if they've had a tough day themselves they might not feel up to supporting you as well.

I wouldn't do anything tonight. Try and have a calm and rational talk with them next time you see them about feeling sad they changed their plans at the last minute. It sounds like they need some support at the moment too though, so I'd try not to be too hard on them.

Hope your daughter is better soon.

TokenGinger · 20/02/2016 20:10

I don't think your DP has let you down with regard to your child. You know your child is in good hands with grandparents. There's nothing your DP being there could do to improve the situation. I think you're using that as an excuse to mask being pissed off about letting you down with the meal. That's what I'd really be pissed off with if it had gone to the extent of food being purchased. I'd feel really let down.

RiceCrispieTreats · 20/02/2016 20:11

So your child is being taken to the ER, you also had an evening in together planned, and still your DP is cancelling on you to go to a party?

I think your DP is incredibly selfish, and doesn't care about you very much at all.

AtSea1979 · 20/02/2016 20:16

I don't think DP is being selfish but I think OP you are putting too much on DP. Nothing he can do will make your DD any better, if your DD was so ill GPs would have said come tonight, presumably she'll be fast asleep by the time you get there hence them saying wait until morning. I'm sorry you don't want to be alone but that's your issue not your DPs.

Inneedofadvice553 · 20/02/2016 20:20

its not a meal, its a house party with lots of people getting drunk.

OP posts:

Marchate · 20/02/2016 20:22

You said you were expecting a romantic meal - already bought and in the car

Inneedofadvice553 · 20/02/2016 20:24

at sea...I have just spent three weeks with dp's family making a good impression etc making serious effort.

My dp was literally in the car driving to mine, and said Im going to the party. how is that not selfish?

I have spent all day councelling dp over their family members mental illness, despite that family member doing terrible things to me

OP posts:

Inneedofadvice553 · 20/02/2016 20:26

Im sorry marchate I mis read, im really upset right now

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 20/02/2016 20:27

Mental illness is terribly stressful to deal with. I can understand why your dp might want a big night out as a distraction. It is pretty poor that they cancelled last minute though.

CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 20:27

I hope your dd gets better soon
I don't think he is selfish tbh although it comes across that way. He has had a heavy day with his own issues and maybe he just didn't want to deal with yours on top. Your dd is in good hands, maybe just take tonight as a break and do something nice for yourself.

Inneedofadvice553 · 20/02/2016 20:27

I feel like dp who is mid thirties is beyond house parties and getting drunk, I was doing this in my 20's and I cant believe would prioritise over myself and dd

OP posts:

AtSea1979 · 20/02/2016 20:27

DP changed his mind, it's allowed. Maybe he needed some time away.

AtSea1979 · 20/02/2016 20:30

It isn't a question of prioritising. Why are you making him choose and making it feel like if he doesn't come home and listen to you getting in a state about DD then he doesn't care?
He sounds overloaded and in need of space. Respect that and save your energy for looking after poorly DD tomorrow.

PurpleDaisies · 20/02/2016 20:30

I feel like dp who is mid thirties is beyond house parties and getting drunk

I'm not sure that's really your decision to make though.

I don't think your partner is letting you down in respect to your dd-I can't quite figure what you expect them to do to help her tonight?

CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 20:31

It does sound like he needs some respite. He doesn't have a child so maybe he just doesn't have the same priorities as you. You don't live together as well so he doesn't see the full picture. You both had a tough day and maybe just needed a break. He might have heard you sound like you needed a lot from him and changed his mind at the last minute.

ImperialBlether · 20/02/2016 20:37

I disagree with others here. He's not there for you and that's the one thing you need in a partner.

Inneedofadvice553 · 20/02/2016 20:44

exactly, especially when I have been playing happy families on the other side of the world with his family.

for context, we are worried my dd might have a disease contacted on the holiday. my dp knew all about this.

the serious situation with my dd has only come up in the last two hours. but with letting me down and with this I feel done.

my dp supposedly wants kids next year, the whole family shebang. I am seriously rethinking.

my dp is a women and I would never expect this kind of selfish behaviour.

for context I have known my friend whose birthday is tonight 12 years, my dp has known 3. my friend said tonight after my dp apolised for not supposedly being there tonight " make sure you look after inneedof," as I am not well myself

OP posts:

CooPie10 · 20/02/2016 20:52

You should be rethinking based on her fear of commitment and not even living together. Why would you even consider bringing a child into that. Anyway there seems to be a lot more issues besides this one incident.

Hissy · 20/02/2016 20:52

How can you possibly consider having kids with a bloke who won't commit to you even for an evening, let alone a relationship?

He's spectacularly self centred!

Don't touch him with a barge pole.

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Hissy · 20/02/2016 20:53

Sorry. X post.

Not bloke

RiceCrispieTreats · 20/02/2016 20:54

I'm really surprised at the majority of replies on this thread.

The DP is not only bailing on OP at a time when she needs support, he is also breaking plans that they had made together, at the very last minute.

Selfish, entitled, and unsupportive behaviour. Not partner material.

Inneedofadvice553 · 20/02/2016 21:01

I feel absolutely crippled given the time we have spent together, I cannot even begin to comprehend a life living with my dp who prioritises "escapism" verbatim quote after what has happened today. I am at home alone, awaiting a serious operation (never mind my situation with dd) where dp was meant to be supporting me.

I am so angry I am raging. it has only been days since we have come back from a very serious trip to my dp's family where I gave It my all.

I completely understand the dp's position with the mental issues of the family member , but I have been supporting all day and every other day.

OP posts:

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