Argument about money... Who's right?

[SnozzberryWibble]

I have been invited on a hen party weekend for a relatively new friend of mine, including an overnight stay, the total will cost about £200.

I asked DH if this was okay (more out of courtesy than genuinely needing his approval) and he thinks I should only go to the main activity and not the overnight stay, which cuts it down to less than half that amount.

I really want to go on the overnight stay as I don't have a lot of friends and I really think this will bring me closer to my new friend. I also think I deserve the one night break!

DH said he thinks it's selfish of me to go.

I can't believe we even had an argument about it because we have plenty of money to afford this kind of thing. We have about £700 spare each month which we overpay our mortgage with. So I could literally afford this trip three times over each month and still have £100 left to overpay our mortgage with each time.

Why should I enjoy my life less just to keep squirreling every last drop of disposable income into our mortgage? Of course I want to get it paid off as early as possible but this shouldn't mean we don't get to spend money to enjoy nice things.

If it makes a difference, I work part time and he works full time so his income is double mine. But our finances are joint. And he has been known to make the occasional large purchase too!

How can I knock some sense into him and show him how stupid it is to be arguing about money when we're far from broke?

[Lanark2]

You are right.

It is important to join in fully, and staying will mean you can do this.

Pat him on the head, say 'great idea, but no.' and put aside £500.

I'm saying this as someone who penny pinches over food and heating, but proper social experiences are very important, so
go.

[tbtc20]

Out of courtesy you could have simply informed him rather than asked. Asking implies that there are options. You don't like his, and whether he's right or not isn't really the issue.
Sounds like you both need to clarify your personal spending each month.

[Lanark2]

I mean treat his idea as just that, an idea that can be rejected. Debating could end up in a really silly economic justification for something that is emotionally important..and a no brainer. Why don't you ask him to spend tge weekend shopping around for better electricity or gas tarriffs, car insurance etc to see if he can make the £200..or £100 back, or identify a saving elsewhere if he really wants to..

[TwoWeeksInCyprus]

You're right! Just go and have fun with your friends.
He can have a weekend away with his friends sometime.
This is what DH and I do every few months, and we've still got a mortgage to pay off.

[Sparklycat]

You should go, it's all very well paying down your mortgage but if you scrimp on social experiences then you'll have no friends to enjoy your mortgage free lifestyle with!

[Kidnapped]

Presumably you genuinely didn't realise that you were both so badly off that you can't stay overnight on this.

You are not alone as he has inadvertently made some large purchases recently. Does he still have the receipt so that you can return them?

And, of course, he needs to be courteous and unselfish in the future and not buy these things ever again. And he needs to be courteous and unselfish and turn down every social event to which he is invited.

[Cabrinha]

Your comment that he says it's selfish - that sounds like it isn't an affordability comment. So arguing that you are overpaying the mortgage isn't going to help.

What did he actually say?

Does he know it's about making friends? Or does he just see it as a lot of money with someone you don't really know?

Even if you have a lot of money, you can see done things as unreasonably expensive. I think spa days are a waste of money for example, but would happily spend the same on theatre tickets.

Is it more about not wanting to be left holding the fort with kids?

[Berthatydfil]

The mistake you made was ASKING.
squirrelling every spare penny into your mortgage is a good idea if you can still enjoy your life, make friends etc.
It's no good if it 10 years time you have no mortgage but you also have no friends.
It's a one off event - go have fun. And then next month when you over pay your mortgage you won't resent it.
Also next time just TELL him.

[MangoBiscuit]

Does he ask you for permission when he makes large purchases?

[Cabrinha]

I know people on here generally dislike his and her money... But you said he earns 2x your income. So, 2/3 of the £700 a month is your contribution anyway. You've got £33 spare!

[Pedestriana]

Why does he think it is selfish of you to go?
Do you have DC's he thinks YOU should look after? Or, if you do have DC's is he working nights so he can't look after them if you're away?

If you can afford to go, and there is no reason why not to go, then just go.

[Tearsoffrustration]

What does his social life look like?

[ElderlyKoreanLady]

Has he said why he thinks it's selfish? It doesn't seem to me like it's about the money but rather the time. Do either of you ever stay away overnight? Do you each have a social life that the other isn't involved with?

[Sophia1984]

I think he is being unreasonable considering you are not struggling to make ends meet. Does he maybe have some anxieties about money that he's not talking about?

[TheNaze73]

I think you should go as well. And likewise, if he asked the same if you, I'd expect your thoughts to be the same. Don't get his issue here

[SnozzberryWibble]

Does he know it's about making friends? Or does he just see it as a lot of money with someone you don't really know?

The latter - he can't understand why I would want to spend money on that as I don't know everyone else that's going very well...

He seems to have warmed to the idea now, I think he's just a bit of a penny pincher that needs time to get used to the idea of spending money...

He doesn't really have any good friends of his own so he has no real social life to speak of So he probably can't relate easily to my situation. And he probably doesnt fancy looking after DS alone overnight! Pfft.

[Tearsoffrustration]

I had a feeling that might be the case (not much of a social life of his own) like my ex who saw this kind of thing as a waste of money - because to them it's not important.

[Joysmum]

Daft question, are you sure he's not using the money as an excuse and that really he's uncimfortable with you being out on an all nighter?

[loveyoutothemoon]

Just tell him you're going. You've got lots of spare money, so there should be no reason at all why he doesn't want you to go, unless he doesn't trust you.

[FoxFeatures]

You have hit the nail on the head OP.

He doesn't want to be left with your DS. Sod that! Go and have fun.

[AyeAmarok]

He's wrong. You should go. Sounds like this isn't something you do very often and you are allowed to enjoy yourself. It's not extravagant in comparison to your earnings and disposable income, so go and have a great time

I hope the selfish comment isn't a pattern of Rob Tichener-esque behaviour.

[newname99]

Out of the spare money do you have individual money each month? We have a set amount and I would use this for expenditure like this.If your budget has no social activities spend then you are likely to have conflicts