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Nearly over, and feeling very lost

(12 Posts)
Treetop12 Fri 19-Feb-16 15:30:52

Hi everyone, I posted a while ago about my relationship almost coming to an end. Well it looks like we're there, and I'm going to be moving back in with my mum at the age of 31.

I wish I could be positive about starting a fresh, as the relationship wasn't right, even I can see that. but really not feeling ok. I want the marriage/kids thing - I always have, and now I feel like it may not happen, as I have to start again.

Not even sure what answers I'm looking for, or what support I need, I just felt like getting this out of my head!

Resilience16 Fri 19-Feb-16 15:44:04

Hey Treetop, well done for being brave enough to get out of a relationship that wasn't working. That takes courage.
I know it hurts and things seem shite at the moment, but believe me it will get better, bit by bit and day by day. It's just getting through the days when everything feels raw. Be kind to yourself, it is hard letting go of your dream of a happy ever after with this guy, and all the what ifs and if only.
You know you are doing the right thing, and this doesn't mean there is no happy ending, just that you ain't quite there yet.
Hugs for you. Onwards and bloody upwards!x

Treetop12 Fri 19-Feb-16 15:50:11

Thank-you for your post Resilience, I really appreciate it. I never thought I would end up heart broken with this guy. I forgot how it feels. think I need to hide away and lick my wounds for a bit. I'm lucky that my mum is more than happy to help me out xx thanks again xxx

iwillbemrsminty Fri 19-Feb-16 15:54:58

Hi Treetop, I second what Resilience16 has said. It is hard, some days will be very hard but I can tell you it gets better. I spent 6 years with the wrong man, then another 8 with another very wrong and abusive man and when I eventually built up the courage to leave, some days I couldn't even get out of bed. I had to move back in with my mum at the age of 30, and felt exactly the same. All I wanted was to be married and have my own family. Everyone else seemed to manage it, why couldn't I? Fast forward a few years and I'm now nearly 35 and almost a year into a relationship with the most wonderful man, and surprisingly, someone I went to school with. He was there all along, I just didn't see it and he is worth a billion of the two exes. Onwards and upwards all the way lovely, keep that head high and your chin up. x

Treetop12 Fri 19-Feb-16 16:12:59

Iwillbe . .

thank-you. your situation mirrors mine almost exactly.

I think some time on my own will be good for me, and im not scared of being single, im just a bit worried about the future. I've never really been on my own, but spent all of my 20's with the wrong guy (lovely guy, but we grew apart and then I just stayed and stayed)! then almost 2 years with completely the wrong person for me to be in a relationship with. we have never wanted the same things, I was just in denial the whole time.

anyway . .thanks again for taking the time to post. it just helps to get things off my chest xxx

Purpleboa Fri 19-Feb-16 16:55:21

Hey Treetop. Well done. Your new life starts here!

It's very normal to feel lost and scared after a relationship breaks down. Especially when you're wondering when the marriage kids thing will happen and the thought of starting again is a daunting one.

I can only share my experience. At 32 I finally mustered up the courage to end a 3 year relationship that was going nowhere. I didn't even like the guy I was with by the end but like you, I was terrified of being on my own.

Fast forward a few years and I'm now happily married with a beautiful baby! I met the man who became my DH a few months after getting out of my dead relationship. It wasn't rebound, more a case of me being in the right place and time in my life to meet Mr Right. All I had to do was bid farewell to Mr Wrong!

I hope this helps. 31 really is so young.

Purpleboa Fri 19-Feb-16 16:57:34

Oh and do let yourself be single. In between my ex and DH I had a delicious fling grin the man was sexy, charming and in no way relationship material...and I enjoyed every bit of it!

Treetop12 Tue 23-Feb-16 09:31:04

Hi purple boa - thank-you for your post. its always surprising how many people go through the same experiences.

I know it's the right decision for me, just finding it really hard at the moment. but I know it will get better.

keeping busy seems to be the key xxxx

Thanks again.

Purpleboa Tue 23-Feb-16 09:53:43

Honestly, I was amazed at how many people had gone through it!

Yes to keeping busy. That was key for me. You know, I wish I could just go back and tell my newly singly 32 yr self to enjoy every second. Because there are many benefits to being single. I know it's easy and perhaps patronising for me to say that. And I do love my life now. But with a non sleeping baby, who refuses to take a bottle and be anything but breastfed, my wings have been well and truly clipped for now. And I find myself daydreaming about the days when I had time to myself to sleep, and see friends, drink, socialise, sleep...you get the idea! You don't know what's round the corner so just try and enjoy the now.

Easier said than done I know! Just one day at a time. You're doing so well cakeflowerswine

Treetop12 Tue 23-Feb-16 10:07:16

Ah thanks. that's so nice to hear. and yes - enjoying the now is something I need to work on - but I am getting there smile

xxx

misszp Tue 23-Feb-16 17:10:30

Hi Treetop12.

I have just split from my ex of 6 years and am a similar age to you. Like you, my life is very 'up in the air' at the moment, and I have no idea if I will be moving home, or able to find a house to move into. I am backwards and forwards with my thoughts right now. and sometimes the uncertainty is the hardest bit.

We just were not compatible and whilst we had some amazing memories, things just no longer clicked. To have to walk away from someone you still love because you don't have any answers or solutions is probably one of the toughest things I have done!

I completely understand how it feels to be losing someone so close to you, and not only are you grieving for your past and memories, but also what could have been as part of your future.

I actually posted on here a few days ago and I received some amazing advice (worthwhile trawling through the threads to see just what people can move on from, and to seek out the positive advice too- it definitely helped me reading other peoples stories).

The advice I picked out the most: Talk. Talk to friends in person, talk to people on here, talk to whoever you feel comfortable with. Keep your routine and hobbies as much as possible, and try to keep yourself busy to keep your mind preoccupied. Don't be scared to cry when you need to, and don't be scared to lean on those around you for support when you are having moments of 'omg what is going on'.

Try not to reminisce or picture what could have been of the future. You don't know what it could have held, but deep down I (and most likely you too) know that if we had stayed with our exes, we wouldn't have been completely happy, and had kids and marriage been part of the picture... how much harder would it have been if this situation then arose.

Going home is an absolutely horrid thought after so much independence, even if you have the most lovely parents and siblings in the world. As an adult you are use to your routine, your space, your own life. But most mums will do a fab job at looking after you, feeding you yummy home cooked meals, and ensuring you receive plenty of TLC. Use it to heal. And use it as an opportunity to seek pleasure in home comforts, and to save as much money as possible towards your next house.

There will be some tough days (been there, going through it), but if you know deep down things were not right, just rest assured that in time, that feeling will grow, and you will begin to see and have more faith in your decision. Hang in there - it will get easier.

Treetop12 Wed 24-Feb-16 12:53:32

Thank-you for your post misszp.

Your advice is great, and I will definitely take it all on board.

I can't stop imagining him with other people! I didn't think I would have feelings like this, but its been a while since I had my heart broken. I can't get it out of my head, I just desperately don't want him to move on, and it's making me so stressed. I haven't contacted him (which im pretty proud of)!

In the meantime, ive spent lots of time curled up on my mums sofa. Going to start to make plans and get out a bit at the weekend.

Thanks again.

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