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I want out of my marriage - long!

(16 Posts)
Middleoftheroad Fri 19-Feb-16 15:08:17

Been married for 8 years. Twins aged 10. Husband impotent and not had proper sex evet. It wasn't the immaculate conception but let's just say there was a lot of work on my part.

He had 'pursued' me when single. Gave me lots of attention. Although we are different characters - he's introverted - we wanted to make it work. We saw doctors hypnotherapists viagra but the impotency not cured. So for about 10 yrs the odd hand job is it. He just goes soft when inside me.

He's a good man. But we don't talk, we sleep in sep rooms as we are bad sleepers, he watches Tv in another room and we don't go out or have joint friends. Even when we get a babysitter we dont go out. Hes also constantly stressed by work, gets home about 7 and is miserable. I do most things with the kids and around the house. Yet i work 4 days too. I didn't sign up for this drudgery. We just exist. I really miss sex and the fun person i used to be. I have friends. I want to leave as i'm dying inside and we could just abt afford to rub 2 properties. I told him i wanted to leave, which i've said before but i'm worried we'll drift back to the same state for another decade. I love him as a friend and am scared to break up our home. I need to know what to do next.

We are currently selling a rental house. I had planned to use the money made on that slong with savings and some money from the current house to buy a small flat for him near by.

He feels same about me i know it. Wed be much happier. He doesnt get the need for sex because he has always been impotent by all accounts. I feel so unattractive becsuse he doesnt want to go near me. Yet i make a real effort. My self esteem is shot to pieces. Though I don't fancy him...possibly because i know theres no point.

Can anybody help me make sesnse of it all pls?

Middleoftheroad Fri 19-Feb-16 15:17:11

I'd like to add that I do go out every now and then with friends. I know there is a light. But right now it feels like such a big leap between making a split real and staying because it's easier. Primarily because of the kids and a more financially comfortable life. Please also excuse smart phone typos in first post!

Mummamayhem Fri 19-Feb-16 15:19:14

Sounds to me like you need to do this, as hard as it may be, the alternative sounds miserable. Did he protest when you said you were leaving? Maybe he needs you to make the first move with this. Good luck.

IamlovedbyG Fri 19-Feb-16 15:24:08

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Feb-16 15:29:50

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships; surely not this model of one?. What do you think the two of you are teaching them about relationships here?. They after all are learning from the two of you.

How did he react to you telling him that you wanted to leave?. And why did you stay?. Your reasons for staying are not good enough.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now; this is no life for anyone least of all your children who are also seeing all this at first hand.

Don't stay within this for the sake of the children or a more comfortable lifestyle. Your children won't thank you for doing that to them and you're also showing them that currently that a loveless marriage is their "norm". Your self esteem is pretty much shot already; another 10 years of this because its somehow "easier" will simply and completely destroy you from the inside out. This is like death by 1000 cuts. They are also perceptive and know that you two do not act exactly like their friends parents do with each other. They hear and see far more than you perhaps care to realise.

Seek legal advice re separation asap, that knowledge as well will give you power going forward. Someone has to be the grown up here and it may as well be you.

Twitterqueen Fri 19-Feb-16 15:30:53

From what you have said, I think you're already on the path towards splitting up and FWIW it has to be the right choice for you. You cannot spend the rest of your life being miserable and from your post, it seems that the two of you would be able to maintain a good relationship for your twins.

You also have no life together. What killed my marriage was my exH insisting he needed his space, every single night for years and years - ie watching TV in another room. Yours is not a partnership nor a marriage, it's a hollow pretence.

Get out now; you can clearly do it and I think you would all be happier.

Middleoftheroad Fri 19-Feb-16 15:33:25

He didn't really say anything. Did I want a cup of tea? Came later. He thinks it may just go away and we can get back to normal. Because he hates change and foesn't want to be away from the children.

We went to Relate about his impotency. He tried hypnotherapy. And Viagra. I think he's probably relieved that we don't have to bother as I coild tell he didn't like it. I used to love it. I'm 42 and don't want to get to 52 without having had sex for 20 years. Shallow I know. If it was just that I would try...but there's nothing else. No rows. Just nothing. I'm just going through the motions. Another year passes and I think "next year". I used to be so independent. I loved being single. I feel lonelier now than I ever did on my own.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Fri 19-Feb-16 15:35:38

I'm not sure what you want advice with, it seems like you know what you want and you have the means to do it?

Yseulte Fri 19-Feb-16 15:37:18

It sounds like you've done all you can and are in a good position financially for divorce.

I don't think there's anything to salvage here.

Doingmyheadin2016 Fri 19-Feb-16 15:41:14

Can I ask why you married a man who you could not have sex with?

Doingmyheadin2016 Fri 19-Feb-16 15:42:14

It does seem like you have made up your mind. I can't see how he would think it would be reasonable for you to stay in this marriage.

PennyHasNoSurname Fri 19-Feb-16 15:46:03

Honestly I think you need to start making the practical steps. Sit him down and discuss the list. Homes for both of you (is it possible for him to take over the flat and you the house?), access to the kids, maintenance payments, and finally, divorce.

Start the ball rolling - he may well think they are empty words without any action.

nearlyhadenough Fri 19-Feb-16 15:50:20

So, so similar a story here. Except I am 10 years or so on.

10 years ago my DC were 13 and 11 (as you described - very nearly immaculate conceptions), we had been married for 13 years and ED had always been a part of our lives - had tried individual, couples and psycho-sexual counselling to no effect. H refused to try viagra when it became available. I was 36 back then.

I stayed.

Mainly because I didn't want to break up the family and a bit scared of being on my own. But mainly because financially there was no way that I could have survived (well, we could have, but no well).

10 years on. DC have left home, except DS a few nights a fortnight, H has tried viagra and even though it worked, doesn't want to use it, I am still a housekeeper.

I am at last ending my marriage - it is scary, but I will now do it and pick up the pieces of my life without him.

Don't be like me and stay. You have the financial means and you have done all you can. Take that step for you.

Middleoftheroad Fri 19-Feb-16 15:57:22

Thanks for the replies. You're right - I have made up my mind. I guess it was just second opinions that I am not being selfish. I do die a little every day with those cuts.

I married him because we had the kids at that point and I thought I could forget about sex. Naieve. I guess I knew we would part down the line but have tried to stall it until the kids grew up. Thats what my parents did. Now one of my children has noticed that we never kiss or cuddle. Just like I did with my parents. I do need to woman up, but it's scary. I hate having to live in limbo and would move tomorrow if I could so we don't just trudge along for another year and so on. I am worried. I am scared. But the other half of me feels free already.

Sunshine87 Fri 19-Feb-16 16:04:14

Could he be gay? Seems werid how hes so accepting of the lack of sex in your relationship. I would go with your heart and seperate you still got time to meet someone will make you happy and fullfil emotional and physical needs. Don't waste another 10 years.

Middleoftheroad Fri 19-Feb-16 20:50:15

Thanks. He's not gay though. I plan to have a chat over the weekend to broach the subject of moving on again. Thanks to everybody for your replies. ☺

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