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I'm so upset. I think I'm being bullied(35 Posts)
I'm not normally the type to feel hard done by. But I'm really upset and it's effecting me constantly and I need to get past it. It's a childish story and I'm embarrassed that I'm in it, even more embarrassed that I'm not coping.
A year ago I decided to cut ties with a friend of mine as she hasn't been nice to me or a good friend for a while, it was upsetting as she had been my friend for many years,
But her behaviour had pushed me to far. I wanted to keep it amicable as all our friends are mutual friends.
To cut the story short, fast forward a year and I have lost nearly all my friends. There has been some sort of hate campaign "if your her friend, your not my friend" kinda thing and they all sides with the main group. I few still talk to me, and are nice but they will go out with the others and are very involved with them. My contact is hidden and private so not to draw attention to the fact the still speak to me I guess. The group of girls did some really nasty things to me and I dread to think what they tell people behind me back, I've noticed a lot of random friends have blocked me on FB so I guess stuff is being said that I did or something?!
Anyway, I'm deverstated. I keep waking up crying and I can't seem to get past the fact I was so easy to turn their back on, just like that. No body stuck up for me. No body at any point said "let's be adult about this" I was fully prepared to make things work just take a step back from one person but they all went after me. My life started really getting good and huge things have happened to me and no one has been there to share them with me. I was there for all of their big moments. I am compleatly alone for mine. I didn't do anything I don't think? I keep going back through my mind thinking what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me for this to happen?
im pg and hormonal so I guess it doesn't help the situation. But how do I get past this. How do I get past the unfairness of it all, the loneliness and the fact I am so worthless to so many people that after years of me being their for them, they just turn their backs and say awful things about me to anyone who will listen.
I'm struggling with who I am, maybe they are right. That's my biggest fear, maybe they are all right about me and I fear for my kids that they will turn out like me
Oh you poor thing.
They sound incredibly silly and childish.
I know it's easy for me to say honestly, you don't need emotional hoovers like them in your life.
Have you thought about getting a hobby or joining a club to meet new people? Baby groups, art clubs, host a book club maybe?
There are nice people out there and you'll find them.
I'm sorry, that sounds so hard
I'm trying to make sense of what's actually happened -
You sense they've withdrawn but never been given an explanation (although you feel it's connected to your decision to end that one friendship)?
Or they've done and said some "really nasty" things to you? In which case it's all less of a mystery?
Still awful for you either way but maybe you'll get better, more fitting, advice if you're able to clarify.
Please look after yourself, and congratulations on your pregnancy!
Thankyou for your reply. The problem is I don't think I have the confidence to meet new people anymore. I think maybe I'm not meant to be liked, that I do so much wrong that I don't realise I'm doing it. It's not normal for such a large group of people to cut one person out of their lives for no reason. I must be at fault but no one told me how or what I did. So I can't make it better. Why would I risk going through all this again? I feel like I need to fix my faults first but I honestly have no clue what I ever did. No one will tell me
They weren't your friends. And they sound incredibly immature.
Anyone who was truly your friend, would have stuck up to the ring leader and sided with you.
It's disappointing (of course), but I would delete all of them and look to the future.
You have a baby coming. You are going to meet other new mums. You don't need idiots like this in your life.
Have you considered talking to just one person, from the group? Explain that you are mystified and confused. If you explain some if the nasty things you think happened, they might say, oh. No, it wasn't like that at all.
It's hard if it's unfair. But do you honestly think that this is all going to turn out rosy? You start going to group events again? I think not.
Both really. Person A is the person I withdrew from. She is the most queen bee type person I know. Initially everyone else still messaged and talked to me, still did stuff but we didn't mention person A, or tried not to.
Then others started just not replying to my texts. Blocking me on FB Ect and I had no idea what I did? I find out weeks later the "oh I heard you did this" story's off people. But no-one in the group who stopped replying to my messages or blocked me Ect has spoken to me since or explained why they don't want to speak to me anymore. It's all so childish but it's really having an effect.
Without minimizing the situation (being cut off is horrible I know!) you are pregnant and hormonal so that seems to magnify things sometimes. You are 100% right the whole thing is very playground and childish and it sounds like sadly the people you've been around need to bloody well grow up. Have a look for some mum and baby support groups in your area, if you feel up to going to them you might meet some new faces and get socializing with a different crowd. You say yourself your life got good and huge things happened for you, if people can't be happy for you then please don't let them drag you down.
I know I'm never going to be able to do things with them ever again. It's more how I get past it.
I have met some of the nice ones who still speak to me and they spend their time moaning about how nasty the others have got. I don't bring it up, I asked what I did and I say nothing. Yet they all carry on as best friends forever and I am the one who is the reject; it doesn't make any sense unless they arnt being honest with me.
Thank you all for your advice and kind words. It's really appreciated. I will look into baby groups.
I have an older child who is so amazing I can't believe they cut him out aswell. These people say in his christening, birthday parties Ect, our kids were friends. I miss their children.
Some people are just plain nasty o/p. If you can detach from being so invested in what other people think that would help you to feel better and be stronger on a day to day basis.
Equally, some people get a buzz from knowing that they have the 'power' to upset others. You are giving them that power effectively by being so upset. And you're pregnant. Hormones up and down, moments of feeling horrible in yourself. You don't need these so called 'friends' you know. Get your self respect in gear, chin up and tell yourself that you're really pleased that you are not like them; nasty, childish and pathetic. And be kind to yourself. Instead of investing any more time in thinking about them, think about yourself.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger you know. And strength and confidence in yourself is very attractive to others. You'll make new friends but try not to be so invested in others. Invest in you and yours.
If these are people capable of doing really nasty things then you really don't want them as friends. You haven't done anything wrong, and I suspect the root cause is that you've grown up and they haven't. You will almost certainly make more and better friends just through things like mother and baby groups. Have a think also about activities that interest you and see if there are local groups doing them; or just have a look at what goes on locally - for instance, you might like to join a local walking group or something similar.
Thank you. I know your are right, I'm normally the fierce one and focus on making myself better. But I don't feel like I have the strength at the moment. I just need to be kind to myself first I think. Start with that. This is by fair the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with. And honestly some pretty rubbish things have happened to me over the years
OMG how old are these idiots? They have the emotional maturity of a primary school kid. It's ridiculous people have taken sides and ostracised you, they could have remained neutral but it seems, as others have said, that they were never genuine friends in the first place.
It's a shame to find this out the hard way tho. They sound very shallow if they're so easily influenced by the Queen Bitch! I'm not surprised this has effected your confidence...
I had someone who I considered a close friend of nrly 20yrs who turned against me cos she thought my txts came across as aggressive cos I used lots of !!! Marks Given our main communication was via txt cos I live abroad, I thought it was ludicrous that she'd let it build up so much that I got a really long, ranty email off her which there was no goin bk frm. She basically ended our friendship cos she couldn't spk to me about issues that were bothering her. All it would've taken was a chat via Messenger or Skype or on one of my visits home. But she obv didn't have it in her to tackle the problem like a rational, mature adult.
Everyone knows txts etc can b misconstrued and I'm a firm believer of actually speaking verbally to clear any misunderstandings, which obv she wasn't confident in doin. Obv our friendship wasn't worth it. So it affected my confidence cos u think "well if she's proven herself as a fake friend how the hell do I know who a genuine friend is?"
I know that I'd never end a friendship over sm txts I'd taken the wrong way. I'd at least spk with the person to clarify wot they meant!
Can u give an example of wot this girl did to upset u so that u ended the friendship? Sounds like the others are her pathetic minions who share a single brain btwn them that's influenced by her.
I think sm of us have higher standards and morals when it comes to friendships. Integrity and loyalty are pretty high on my list anyways...
But blockin u on FB isn't just a massive snub it's downright hostile imo. Mayb she's bn shit stirring about u and they believe her over u?
I don't want to put myself and give specifics on what she did as they will really out me. They were seriously horrible acts tho nothing petty. She nearly ruined my happiness as she didn't like it, put it that way. I guess she has in a different way because I shouldn't be feeling like this at this point in my life as it's the best it's ever been, except for this issue.
I don't know why I'm letting it bother me so much, it's unlike me. I think it's because they get "away" with it. She's very popular and everyone thinks she's wonderful and I'm left thinking "if only you knew" she is the most manipulative person I have ever met so I have no doubt there has been much shit stirring about me. Hense the mass blocking on FB (there's been 5 people this week, all people a year ago I would of said were best or close friends in our group) in the year I have had a significant birthday, and 3 major positive life events. Every single one of them have gone un acknowledged by all of them. I spoke to these people every singly day. And they havnt even aknowledgd me turning my life around. Infact they have most probably said horrible stuff about me and blocked my existence from their lives on every platform of social media. I do not exist to them
Blimey. This is getting worse, the more you tell us.
I don't know what to suggest.
It's helping to know I'm not being dramatic about this. Sometimes I think maybe I'm over reacting?! I really don't think I am. I bought my first home, got engaged and pregnant with my 30th in the middle in the space of 6 months and not one of them acknowledged any of it.
I get so upset thinking I won't have a hen as I don't actually have many people to come or them laughing at my wedding pictures. I worry about being fat after having the baby. Like I can't give them any reason to laugh and say stuff about me anymore than they already have done. But maybe the blocking means they really don't care. I'm not sure what's worse. I just need to get over it and move on really. Not from them I'm past feeling like I need these vile girls in my life. I can't get over why they did it to me tho.
Jealousy. The green eyed monster most likely.
Sorry your feeling so rubbish
I take your point that your the common denominator or so you think, thus it must be you, but she is also the other main player in this.
This sounds like a, sharks sensing blood in the water type scenario, she's circling and pulling them in to the picture too. Also from their point of view it's easier for them if they are fairly weak characters who never left the playground, to suck up to her and play the game. Let's face it none of them want to be on the receiving end of her wrath either.
It's not fair it's shit and has the potential to cause huge destruction to the person on the receiving end, you say you've had some big positive changes which sound exciting, but if she's the jealous feeling like a victim type, she won't like it and will act out and get whoever she can on her side.
So it's not you lovely leave Gru and her minions to their self appreciation society and keep on baking that little bun in your oven . None of those weak willed bitches deserve another minute of your attention.
Block delete rinse and repeat
Sounds like you were confident enough to challenge her and assertive enough to drop her when she didn't treat you well. You should be proud of yourself. There is a price to be paid for that but it will be worth it. You are in a good place now to make good friends as you won't put up with being badly treated. Your pregnancy can be key to this with new moms who are at the same stage. Sounds like they liked having you in a miserable place and the dynamic has changed as you got your life together. They sound so horrible and mean. So head up. Join a class for pregnant mums. I don't know the UK so can't advise. Does your partner know what's happening? Have you a supportive family.? You don't have to have a hen. With a new baby you have the perfect excuse not to bother. You will look gorgeous on your wedding day so not an issue. I feel for you. I hope you go from strength to strength.
How awful. This isn't normal behaviour from adults at all. Give yourself a pat on the back for getting rid. I'd rather be in your shoes than be on of her suck ups.
Thank you: you've really made me feel better
Delete and block them all yourself.
This way you will not have to worry who has done so this week.
Also make sure your privacy settings are water tight and they cannot access your pictures.
They have complained about how bitchy the others are but still prefer to spend time with them rather than a nice person like you.
Shows they want to be popular rather than nice/friends.
You deserve better.
You are the common denominator OP. You chose to stand up to someone who was behaving horribly and as a result you made the control and power this woman has within the group destabilise (in her eyes). So she does all she can to make you out to be the bad person and herself to be the victim because that way she stays queen bee.
Then one day, one of your ex friends will fall out with her and the same story will play out.
The 'friends' were not friends at all. You are better off without all of them. Cut your losses as hard as it is: block them all, have no contact and look at ways to make other friends. You do deserve better, I hope you find it.
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