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it's like he's ruined my excitement

(32 Posts)
hurtandconfued2016 Thu 18-Feb-16 20:21:59

Hi bit of background
Ex left 6 weeks ago due to go in to hospital in 1 week to have our daughter.
Any way I am struggling to get excited about her birth. I can't even look at the baby's clothes without crying. I couldn't bring myself to get the hospital bags ready my mum did. The thought of everything that should be a happy moment isn't I just can't face it! Everyone keeps asking about names and everything else but I can't even come to pick her name! My ex has now told me he won't be coming to the birth as he can't stand to be near me. He also said he only got me pregnant to make me think he loved me all I can think about is how she is unwanted by her father and how awful I feel about her arrival. I don't know what to do???

timelytess Thu 18-Feb-16 20:26:10

Stay calm, give birth, see how you feel afterwards. Would you consider adoption for her, or are you and she going to be together? If she stays, you'll have all the joy of her, though it might take time to come through because of the harsh way you've been treated. If you decide against keeping her, there are would-be parents desperate for children. Get some counselling, whatever happens. And don't take anything he says to heart. He's an unpleasant man and not worth your concern.

Thelwell Thu 18-Feb-16 20:29:31

flowers didn't want to read and run.

Sorry you're going through this. It's great that your mum is with you and you are about to embark on one of the most amazing experiences of your life.

Try to forget your ex as much as you can for now. He's clearly of zero positive value to you right now so that issue can wait.

When your baby is born then you and your mum can start sussing out what support is available, but for now focus on being healthy and calm for your baby and yourself.

Sorry I can't offer more helpful advice. I'm sure others will pass by who know more than me. Good luck.

Longingtobehappy Thu 18-Feb-16 20:40:12

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time op. Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work and you an dd will be much happier without him, I know it might not feel like it right now. Do you have or want anyone else to be there during the birth, maybe your mum for support? When you meet your dd you won't care that he's not there, it's him missing out. If it was me I wouldn't even want him at the birth I'd imagine it would feel awkward and I'd have too much resentment towards him because he left! It's only natural to feel down if he's saying he wants nothing to do with you or dd, I guess the positive side is he hasn't developed a bond with your baby and then left her, she won't know any different. Some men just aren't cut out to be dads, my ex included. Were you excited before he left? Don't let him spoil it for you

Aussiebean Thu 18-Feb-16 20:44:56

So... He thought he needed to make you think he loved you... So his brilliant plan was to get you pregnant?

Not buy you flowers, take you on a romantic holiday, give you a foot rub while you drink wine, breakfast in bed. You know, the little things that make you feel loved.

No... Getting you pregnant was the obvious answer.

Sounds like you are fortunate to be rid of this idiot. It may feel horrible now, but when this is over, you will be grateful that you are free to find a wonderful man who won't suck the joy away from you.

I am sorry you are hurting. One day at a time, drink some tea and have some cake. And forget about that dufus for a while.

wowis Thu 18-Feb-16 20:51:32

Hi op, my exh left me when I was 7 months pregnant and it was devastating and so god damn painful so I really do know where you are. I didn't want a baby shower , or the baby really even though she was my longed for girl after two boys. I wasn't excited and felt it all just reminded me of him. After I I'd her the mum bit clicked into place. She looked a bit like him and that was hard as were many many other things but I loved her and I bonded with her and the relationship heart break was separate from that. You will love her and be so glad of her I promise you that. My ex also knew he wanted to leave before he got me pregnant but five years later I'm so so glad he did . I would t change it for the world and I wouldn't touch my ex with yours now . I'm engaged and happier than ever and I promise you will come out of this made of steel. With a bond like no other between you and this baby. He is a coward and a douche bag. Look forward not back . You're not alone. Xxx

Claraoswald36 Thu 18-Feb-16 20:57:39

Massive hug op. I left exh when I was pg with dd2.
The positives are that you are in control - of names/stuff you but all of that. No more relationship bullshit or worry or resentment - you're in charge.
I promise you. You will be fine and enjoy your baby so much more without the self absorbed cunt of a man you describe.
Get control and get planning. Your mum sounds on board - let her support you with all the tasks.
I loved having dd2 on my own it was such a relief. You will too x

hurtandconfued2016 Thu 18-Feb-16 21:19:45

I don't know why I'm having a massive emotional day today sorry. Just tried to shower our 2 year old and it ended up with the 2 of us lying on the floor crying.
He is still saying he wants to see baby but when he does I have to sit in another room.....
Aussiebean I honestly don't even know a reply to that I was in just as much shock then with it as I am now tbh! Like I said you want to make someone think you love them you propose or something not decide to have another baby with them!!
He is making everything so much harder than it needed to be I had said that if he didn't start a relationship with the ow he could be at every appointment scan birth everything and the 2 weeks paternity leave he could be there as much as he wanted. But 3 days later he was in a relationship with her so that went out the window!
I imagine when she comes I will be in love with her just as much as I was with our son but just struggling to get any motivation or excitement no matter how much my family try.

hownottofuckup Thu 18-Feb-16 21:27:08

Don't get railroaded into him laying down all the terms for seeing the baby!

It is hard, but my baby boy is still the best thing ever (apart from my DD's obvs) and I could no longer give a rats arse what ex DP thinks about him or if he wants him or not. If anything it makes me love DS even more!

I don't blame you for not wanting a baby shower etc, I felt the same. Be kind to yourself, you will get through this!

HeddaGarbled Thu 18-Feb-16 21:28:38

What an utter shit he is. Don't worry about not being excited or anything. Of course you're not. He's just lobbed a hand grenade into your life and you are sitting amongst the wreckage. No one can expect you to just carry on as normal. Of course you will be emotional.

Just take it one day at a time. Make sure you eat something. Let your mum look after you and do the things you aren't up to.

He doesn't get to dictate whether you sit in another room or not, by the way. He chose to walk away. Now you get to make all the decisions in your home.

AugustMoon Thu 18-Feb-16 21:29:08

It will be ok. I know it might seem impossible but you don't need him. Just wait and see how you feel when you have the baby.

hurtandconfued2016 Thu 18-Feb-16 21:44:30

I have been bending over backwards for him to see our son and sort out him seeing his daughter but because I won't organise contact thru his parents he is making me out to be the one that is stopping him seeing the kids!
Heddagarbled all his family have basically told me to get over it basically they don't understand that it's pretty hurtful and heartbreaking what I'm going thru right now.
My mum unfortunately has just went thru a operation to remove some cancer cysts so not able to really look after me right now. My sister has been great too but even to them he is a dick I shouldn't be upset still.

ricketytickety Thu 18-Feb-16 22:02:08

You're hurting because he's kicked you when you are your most vulnerable. Don't think about whether you'll love her. You will. But you must get as much support as you can from your sister and the midwives/health visitors. Come on mumsnet for additional support.

Your sister doesn't understand what you're going through. It is a form of grief at his abandonment and utter disregard of you. But that doesn't mean they don't care. Let him drift away and don't put him on her birth certificate. Don't push any contact. You will be much better off, all of you, if he just goes off. This is coming from experience of me facilitating contact when my dc's dad wasn't really interested and now I have to explain to an older child why their dad doesn't want to see them/care.

Let yourself ride the grief and pain. You will come out of it. Just think about yourself and your babies. Day by day it does get better. Can you move in with your sister?

228agreenend Thu 18-Feb-16 22:05:20

Allow yourself to grieve for the future you thought you had with your ex. It's a perfectly normal reaction. You thought you were going to take one path with this baby, but you've been diverted down a different route. At the moment, the change is going to be tough, but you will come through, with a new baby daughter to boot.

flowers.

ricketytickety Thu 18-Feb-16 22:05:30

And your sister is probably very angry with him, but you are yet to reach that stage. Have a look at this site for long term perspective. www.abandonment.net/swirl-the-five-stages-of-abandonment

It might help. I think you might surprise yourself at how strong you are.

EweAreHere Thu 18-Feb-16 22:08:48

This is not going to be easy. You know that. But you can do this. Your little one and your baby need you to do this. And you can.

Your children need stability, and they can find that in you. You will be there for them and you will love them madly. They will need you to love them and be there for him because (it sounds like) he will flake on them and blame you, and lie and be cruel to make himself look better. They will see through this at some time. They will know better because they will see that you are always.there.for.them.no.matter.what.

In a horrible way, he's done you a favour: he's shown his true colours and you can now plan to move yourself and your children on without him trying to run the show. YOU run the show. YOU run your family. Don't let him dictate the terms. You set the terms. If he chooses to bad mouth you, disappear, that's entirely on him.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Thu 18-Feb-16 22:08:52

Oh he's a cheat? Of course, that makes sense. Cheaters have to be cunts to their cheated on partners to avoid feeling guilty - because he knows full well that a man who cheats on his pregnant partner is the lowest of the low so he has to twist his view of things to make you the bad guy.
He's insane if he thinks he can dictate that you leave the room while he sees your newborn. Fuck him.

CalleighDoodle Thu 18-Feb-16 22:10:04

Are you married op?

Fratelli Thu 18-Feb-16 22:27:37

flowers. He's really the lowest of the low. At least you'll get her all to yourself! Under no circumstances allow him to send you out of the room when he visits. Everything must be on your terms. He fucked off so he doesn't get to dictate anything. You're stronger than you think. You'll be great flowers

goddessofsmallthings Thu 18-Feb-16 22:36:32

I have been bending over backwards for him and this is where you've been going wrong.

From now on resolve that you, and you alone, call the shots. You're under no obligation to toe his line, and if he's not willing to arrange contact with you direct he doesn't get to see his ds and, more especially, as you've said on your earlier thread that he only wants to have ds when he's at work so he can palm him off onto his parents and keep his spare time for his new woman.

I'm relieved to know he won't be present at the birth, but there's no way you should allow him this privilege even if he asks to be there.

As for seeing newborn dd, he'll see her when YOU decide it's convenient and you won't be hiding yourself away in another room to suit him or, more probably, his new woman who doesn't want him to spend any time with you.

Don't put his name on dd's birth certificate. You won't be able to name him as father unless he accompanies you to the Registry Office and I would suggest you refuse should he offer - please know this won't prevent you claiming child maintenance for her.

This man has treated you appallingly. Start getting angry! He's the scum of the earth and not fit to lick your shoes let alone be a father to your dc. Take no notice of what he/his family/his friends are saying as you know the truth and eventually the truth will out, as it always does.

Take your mind off your misery by concentrating on your ds and your dm and don't allow yourself to wallow for longer than 20 minutes in any 24 hour period. The worthless twunt is not obsessing about you so don't do him the honour of fixating on him and/or the hurt he's caused you.

Please understand that he can only "make everything so much harder" than it needs to be if you let him, and you can choose not to let him

As many thousands of women who've found themselves in similar situations can affirm, You CAN and you WILL get through this and create a wonderful life for your dc and yourself.

hurtandconfued2016 Thu 18-Feb-16 22:47:45

I have spoke to the midwives about it and they are sorting out extra support for me as I've not been dealing with it very well.
To my family I'm all I hate him I'm glad he is away etc etc but in actual fact I would have him back in a heart beat.
I had to move out of our house as I will be having a section and it was 3 flights up to the room. He was also not happy paying the mortgage whilst me and the kids lived there.
Me leaving the room can't happen as I a breastfeeding so he said he would give her formula when he had her but when we had our son it was not good enough for him.
Well I had to go to a lawyer last week as he wouldn't take our son on his days off because he needed to have a life. I wasn't allowed to call and see if my son was okay even though it was overnight for the first time ever he had him. As I said everything has to be discussed threw his parents which I'm not doing!

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Feb-16 22:50:12

Sorry, I could never do that, leaving a father's name off the birth certificate. The only person that hurts is the child.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 18-Feb-16 22:55:28

I doubt that the OP will have a choice in the matter IB, as she isn't married to her ex and she won't be able to name him as the father if he doesn't accompany her to the Registry Office and agrees to be named on hs dd's birth cert.

Lokidokey Thu 18-Feb-16 23:42:17

leaving a father's name off the birth certificate. The only person that hurts is the child

Respectfully, that's nonsense.
I'm sure my now 23 year old ds would have had a much enriched life with the addition of his drug taking, drug dealing, thieving, violent criminal of a father by his side.
I'm sure giving him rights to my son wouldn't have been used as a stick to beat me with at all.

He didn't give a shit. He didn't go on the birth certificate. He had never seen nor paid a penny towards the boy. All of this made life 100% easier when my dh came along and adopted ds aged 3.

If you want to think it's that black and white you are welcome to your opinions but the best decision I ever made for my boy was leaving father blank.

cuautepec Fri 19-Feb-16 03:12:23

My now-adult dd has a good relationship with her father and is totally unconcerned about him not being on her birth cert. She knows and agrees with my reasons.

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