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Confused

(3 Posts)
Scarlet1000 Thu 18-Feb-16 01:17:55

My DP & I have been together 5years last year we had a baby boy together through IVF this was our 3rd attempt. My pregnancy wasn't straight forward and my parents were very supportive throughout. My sons birth was emergency C-section due to a transfers lie so I was struggling physically those first few weeks.
My mother became very poorly when my son was just 2 & half weeks old & was admitted to hospital in ICU. Sadly she never got better & she passed away when my son was only 7weeks old.
I hadn't really seen my mother to share my son with her, we never had any mother-daughter 'time' together in those first few weeks because she didn't get on with my DP and as he was on paternity leave she didn't intrude. She did see my son, but only briefly & I guess I thought I'd see her & Dad more later but it wasn't to be.
Everyone knows that having a baby turns your life upside down, I knew my life would change. I didn't realise to what extent (does anybody) but my DP hadn't a clue. He was very naive never having had nieces or nephews himself he was oblivious to the changes that lay ahead. I though it slightly amusing during pregnancy but when reality hit, suddenly it wasn't funny anymore.
Obviously I was emotional because of having recently given birth but I was and still am grieving for my dear mum. My DP has found my moods difficult to deal with & if I'm upset all I need is a hug from him but his hugs are cold & I don't feel comforted or loved.
We seem to be drifting further & further apart, he don't instigate sex it's always me. I've got a further gynae issue as I had retained placenta so my abdomen is still huge and I'm waiting for a referral to see a specialist but I know he doesn't find this attractive. So, in the meantime, I've joined a gym & I've started slimming world classes but I get the impression he's just not interested in me anymore.
During an argument a few weeks ago, I asked him if he even loved me as his kisses & hugs feel passionless & he paused then replied with ' I want too' that was devastating to hear & I can't get it out of my head.
I think he's only staying with me because of our baby boy & I feel utterly miserable & wish my dear mum was here. I don't know what to do, I love him so much but I don't want to be in a loveless relationship that's not how I want my son to grow up as I know it'll affect his perceptions of 'love' when he's older but I don't want to give up without a good fight & I know I must have been difficult to live with.

pippistrelle Thu 18-Feb-16 06:49:16

You've all been through a tumultuous time. Clearly, the distance between you isn't ideal BUT it isn't necessarily permanent either. I think that things ebb and flow in long term relationships, even in times of smooth sailing. But much more so in times of huge life changing events. I wonder too if your husband is feeling guilty and defensive that he is the reason your mother wasn't able to spend time with you and your baby.

So, what to do next? Well, nothing dramatic would be my advice. It seems that you need to work on communication so perhaps choose a quiet moment to start a more neutral conversation on that subject rather than jumping straight in with 'you're not interested in me'. That way you get to agree ground rules on communication which might help avoid either of you feeling attacked/defensive when you do move on to talk about the serious things that are bothering you. And, a word of warning, you have to be prepared to find out that he has things that are bothering him too.

It's only really once problems are identified that you can try to develop an action plan to fix them.

Good luck.

Scarlet1000 Thu 18-Feb-16 11:58:46

Your right, thank you blush

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