Financially and emotionally abusive H. What do I do now

[LetTheSunShineAgain]

I need out, just can't do it anymore. H is emotionally and financially abusive (he obviously doesn't see it that way and I'm just an ungrateful bitch) I'm not working (at home with 2 year old) I've been applying for jobs for 2 months thinking that if I can get back to work I can at least regain some sense of independence but nothing yet.
Yet another incident today where I 'wasn't allowed' to go and see a friend this morning as there was not enough petrol in the car then this evening he arranged to go out drinking tomorrow night. I just can't live like this!
We're in rented and he's refusing to leave. I have no savings and won't ask family for help. There is no relationship left hasn't been for a long time. He's said if I want to separate fine, as of tomorrow I buy my own food and pay half of everything! what can I do? Can I claim benefits while he is still living here??

[MistressDeeCee]

Phone Women's Aid for advice, theyll talk you through every single step of this. Look up their number online, or somebody will be along with it in a minute I should think. Yes, you do need out you are in a soul-destroying situation with a cheeky fucker who has no respect for you and will make your life more miserable as the years go by.

Get help and advice, get rid, and have a life free from a dictator. Who does he think he is? You weren't born with him, you won't die for lack of him. Once you've left you can get benefits sorted out and have a clearer mind re. looking for work, without his emotionally draining nonsense

You'll be fine

[LetTheSunShineAgain]

Thank you Mistressdeecee.
I will try women's aid tomorrow. I was a strong, independent, successful women before dd was born. I've spent my savings keeping us afloat for the past 3 years. H works but that's ALL he does. Nothing else, nothing at home NOTHING. He's never bathed or got up with dd. Will ' look after her ' if she's sat next to him on the sofa with the ipad. If I comment his reply is ' i go to work'
Apparently I should be grateful that he puts a roof over our head and food on the table!!
Should I??

[SolidGoldBrass]

No, you owe him nothing, he's a cock. You don't need his permission or his co operation to end the relationship, and if he is or ever had been violent you can get him removed. Women's AId will help you with the legal proceedings to either get him out or find another home for yourself and DD.

[Room101isWhereIUsedToLive]

No you shouldn't. Do you have access to the money he is earning at all?
Is your name on the tenancy agreement?
As a starting point, photocopy bank statements wage slips etc.

[MistressDeeCee]

Clearly he believes working outside the home and bringing him money make him and what he does more important than the work you put in running the home and looking after the child you both created. Men like that are a PITA.

Grateful?! For what, financial and emotional abuse, and disrespect?

I have a mind even if you went back to work he'd find another way to pick on you. Men like this target strong, independent successful women..they want to bring you down. Its an inadequacy in them really, but they make you suffer for it

You can be that woman again once you get rid of the millstone around your neck. At least you'll be able to make your own decisions free of tryranny. As it stands now there doesn't sound to be any balance or joy in your relationship.

I went thru similar with a longterm partner previously - not so much the financial abuse side but the extreme need to control, and the emotional and verbal abuse, the constant picking and scorn re. everything I did. Do you know what I savoured the most when I left? The PEACE. No more of his voice going on & on about being better than me, I was useless, etc . All gone. Best thing ever, and I raised my DCs without his harsh, unpleasant background noise in my life. I smile when I think of that.

You'll get there

[LetTheSunShineAgain]

The tenancy is in both our names. He transfers £400 a month into my account for food shopping and every day expenses (toddler groups, bus fares, clothes, nappies, ) then asks for most of it back over the course of the month.
He's out at least 3/5 nights after work in the pub. I haven't been out since dd was born! He can't see that that is unfair.

[LetTheSunShineAgain]

I know it's time to call it a day, and I know I'll get through it. I've been here before! I have older children, now grown up who's father I left 20 years ago. Can't believe history is repeating itself. I'm sad, very sad but resigned to what needs to be done just don't know how to get out this time.

[MistressDeeCee]

Ah, its sad you've been through it before. This kind of abuse seems so common now, its frightening. It often happens that you are burned by it more than once, the devil doesn't show his horns when he comes to court you

Glad you know you will get through it Yes its sad..but you are giving yourself the chance to get out, get up and start again. No more tyranny, thats the main thing. I hope you do contact Womens Aid later today, it will help to talk through your options. & MN is invaluable support for women suffering abuse

[LetTheSunShineAgain]

I've made the calls. I will be intitled to benefits although they will take some time to come through (up to 3 weeks) I have no idea how this will pan out, who will eventually move etc but until I am financially independent I can't make any decisions. At least I will not have to be grateful to him for being allowed to eat!

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Keep strong

[ohforfoxsake]

Are you in separate rooms? It is possible to be considered as living separately.

[ohforfoxsake]

And you are married so start getting legal advice on what you are entitled to do WRT the house. Entitledto.com is really helpful.

You know you'll be fine. It's hard but you are very clear it's the right thing to do. Good luck

[LetTheSunShineAgain]

We have been in separate rooms since dd was born, no physical contact at all. I've been 100% honest with income support and tax credits and tbh I'm quite shocked at how helpful and understanding they have been. we barely communicate at all, he is never home till just before dd goes to bed and I don't bother to go back downstairs once she's down. Weekends he just sits on his phone and grunts commands for coffee.

[ohforfoxsake]

When I got divorced the years in separate rooms counted, so we didn't have to wait the two years with consent and were able to divorce straight away, if that's helpful to know?

[goddessofsmallthings]

until I am financially independent I can't make any decisions

That's not necessarily the case as you can decide now that you're going to divorce him and ask Women's Aid to recommend a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and has speciifc experience in cases of domestic abuse.

//www.womensaid.org.uk

[LetTheSunShineAgain]

Yes Goddess, your right. I have decided this and have some numbers to call. This will be tomorrows job. Divorce is going to be a nightmare as we married overseas.
I'm exhausted all ready, spent all morning on the phone! Just waiting for one more call back then have housing benefit to sort out. it's a beautiful day and I'm off to the park with lo. She has been amazing this morning, sat and played and let me get calls done! most unusual.

[postmanpatscat]

It shouldn't make any difference where you married, your marriage is legal in this country and you follow the usual divorce process in this country. My DP was married in Vegas and divorced here, no issues. All you need is a marriage certificate and a few hundred pounds to pay the court fees.

[LetTheSunShineAgain]

Lol my marriage certificate is in Arabic! 😁

[postmanpatscat]

Ok, an English translation too!