DP said he would spend the evening with me and then just changed his mind, without letting me know. I'm cross! Should I lighten up?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

DP and I together for 18 months, live about half an hour apart. Both have resident DC but all are with other parents for a few days over half term. DP is working, but self-employed so is flexible. I am on holiday all week. My DCs are back tonight.

I wanted to spend time in DPs house while I could, but also needed a day or two at home to sort shit tip house stuff out before DCs are back and next thing we know it's back to term-time madness!

DP was well aware of this need. I stayed with him for the weekend and also Monday night, but agreed I would be at home yesterday day and last night and today. He said 'OK, I'll come to you Tuesday evening then. We could walk to the pub!' Left for work and said see you later.

He's usually here by no later than 7 when we do a mid-week evening at mine.

So I waited. Had some food, chatted with my DSis, and soon it was 9pm and I had hadn't heard anything from DP. Knew he wouldn't be coming by this point.

So I messaged him, nicely, to say 'hope you had a good day, thought you were coming here tonight? Xxx' and then he rang me.

Turns out he worked a bit later than usual to get a job finished - fair enough. He works outside and it's weather-dependent, and he's busy at the moment, so I'm never upset by that. But he only worked until 6 so could still have come here, but fine if he's tired/needed to go home instead. Actually what he did was went to the pub after work, then home, so by that point, he would have known he wasn't planning to come here.

It's not that he didn't come here, I know life gets in the way sometimes and I'm fine with that side of things. But couldn't/shouldn't he have let me know? I mean, before 9pm, by which time I had worked it out for myself?

So as not to drip-feed, he has done this twice before and both times I explained that I don't like it, because it feels like a waste of my (precious) time.

As we are both child-free (very rare, he is child-free 2 or 3 days a week, me only in school holiday for a few days), we had planned on walking to the local pub etc last night. Not big or un-changeable plans of course. But still plans.

Am I right in feeling a bit miffed about this? His take on this is that it wasn't a definite fixed arrangement (it was. He said 'I'll come to yours) and that sometimes his plans need to change because of work etc. I know that, of course, we need to be and are very flexible. But couldn't he bloody tell me when this happens? Rather than after the event?! A simple text after work or at the pub? I'd still have been annoyed by the pub, but at least I would have known the score? Urgh.

As it happens, I had a nice evening! I'm not in a strop about the fact he wasn't here. I just think it's a bit rude.

Btw, I have no fears about him having EA or anything. I also know he was at home as I spoke to him on video call. I'm not worried about anything like that, but just think it's a bit self-centred. Warning sign?! He's a genuinely nice man, and very good for me. But is this controlling? Or selfish? Or just someone being flakey and I should just calm my shit down?! Genuinely don't know!

I've told him I think he still sometimes lives like a single bloke, not realising his plans now affect mine. He seems to get it, but just these little things like this are pissing me off!

WWYD?

[Bailey101]

I would be very annoyed as well - it's the same as saying that your time's not important and you have nothing better to do then sit around waiting for him.

I don't know what your next move should be, but I wouldn't tolerate inconsideration like that.

[Bailey101]

Should also add that I wouldn't be annoyed at work running over etc, I would be annoyed at being left hanging when I could have made other plans with friends had I known earlier.

[DoreenLethal]

His time is more valuable than yours, evidently. As soon as he knew he was working late he should have let you know that it was likely he might not make it or just cancelled.

[KinkyAfro]

He knows you don't like it, he's still doing it, it's disrespectful and I wouldn't stand for it. What are you going to do x

[KinkyAfro]

Excuse the 'x'

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Thanks all of you. You are absolutely right! Shows he doesn't consider my time to be as important as his, shows lack of respect by doing it again even though I explained at length why I didn't like it first time, leaves me hanging when I could have made other plans, etc etc.

Trouble is, I've said everything you have all posted to him the first time this happened, so I don't understand why this time, when I said I was annoyed, why didn't he say ah shit, I'm sorry, you're right?

He is sooooooo considerate to me in all other ways, fabulous support with my kids and ex, work, etc etc. He's everything I wanted to find in a new partner and step parent, apart from this!

I'll be in the car with him for a couple of hours later collecting my DCs. He always offers to drive because he know I find it anxiety-provoking - see, nice and considerate! So I will discuss it with him again and stick to my guns.

This thing about time and plans is really starting to annoy me! I do wonder if it could be a sign of things to come? The hierarchy and lack of respect? I will have to talk it through with him. Any tips?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Ask him if he'd like it if you made plans with him, didn't show up and didn't bother to contact him and explain.

When he says he wouldn't, ask him why it's okay for him to do it to you.

It sounds like a bit of thoughtlessness, but it's still shitty to be on the recieving end of it all the time.

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

How would he have felt, if he'd turned up at yours at 7pm, to find the house in darkness and no-one home? And when he finally got hold of you at 9pm, you said "Oh, I decided to go out with the girls".

He's an adult. He knows what he's doing. He's playing with you. Testing the boundaries.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Maybe he just assumed you'd get on with your own life and doesn't expect you to sit around and wait for him..

Do you really think it is a warning sign that he is becoming controlling?

[Whisky2014]

Hmm I had this last week with my partner who lives with me. We arranged for Friday to go to cinema (1 hour away) and the film started at 6.30

At 4.30 he rang to say he would be 1 more hour. That was ok, we can still make the film. I had a shower, got all ready, make up done, fed dog. And waited for him to come. At 5.30 he hadn't shown so I was all ready to go thinking he would just want me to nip out and get in the car. 5.45 no show, 6 - no show it got to 6.15 - obviously wasn't gona make the film, I rang him no answer. I ended up getting really angry. I'd been sitting there for an hour waiting for him to maybe show/maybe not expecting to go to the cinema. I was really hungry but thought if I made food he is bound to show up.

I ended up going for a drive, wasn't sure where just thought how dare he make me wait and I kind of hoped he'd come home to an empty house and see I wasn't going to spend my life waiting on him.

So about 10 mins into me driving he called and said he was sorry his job took longer than expected. I told him I was so angry and he couldn't understand it. Ended up him going home and I made sure to make him wait a bit before I got home. I explained how he thinks its ok to just make me wait and it is not. He said he was in the lab and there's no phone there. I said he could take 5 mints to go upstairs call me and say he will be late rather than me sit about like a lemon for an hour. I said i'd rather he be 1hr 5mins late by letting me know he will be late rather than 1 hour stewing. He said "ok"...

That was the end of it, we didn't go to cinema and I fully expect him to do it again. If he does, I wont be there.

I told him it is rude, disrespectful, an element of control - knowing id be waiting, and that he wouldn't do this to his friends or family. Funny how if he has plans on a Friday with any of them he always makes them...

I feel you OP.

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Whiskey good for you! I should do the same. We often have wishy-washy plans for a mid-week visit, and I always end up keeping the evening free, just in case. One time I did have plans to go out in that night, and he was a bit annoyed that I hadn't told him. But on that occasion, he had not said he might or would come here, so no reason for me not to make plans. Seems like one rule for him and a different one for me!

Going I'm not sure if it's a warning sign or not. I've made it clear to him more than once that I wouldn't just to my own thing if we had made plans. If that was the case, he should have told me he wasn't going to make it so that I could have made new plans.

Blonde and Hermione I agree. I don't think he would like it at all in reality. But when I've said that to him, he kind of makes out like he'd be fine with it, and sort of makes me feel a bit like I'm a control freak because he's so easy going and I'm not.

Just makes me wonder who's right in that - should I be more easy going? I feel like I am though. Plans with his DC and exW are often loose, so can change last minute, and while that can bug me at times, I do always try to accommodate it, for His DCs sake. But this was just us, a rare chance for child-free evening.

Also, when I questioned him, he said it would have been easier for me to go to him, since I'm on annual leave. That really posed me off too, because he knew how important it was for me to spend some time at home while my DC are away.

Hmmmmm.

[Whisky2014]

Yes, I do that to - keep diary clear. I actually never make plans unless he has plans. I don't know why I do that, how sad.

I also had a bf that I always had to go and stay at his, never made an effort to come to me.

It's all about give and take.

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

It is sad, isn't it whisky?! I think I do it because we don't get s lot of time together, so I take what I can. I think he's just abusing that a bit, and it's always me left hanging. I never do the same thing to him. Maybe I should? But then I feel like it's a slippery slope to us just leading lives with little or no overlap, and I don't see that as the relationship I want. If we lived together, like you, it would be different I think. I'd just do it to him and see how he likes it!

Thank you all for the support - it helps to know I'm not in the wrong here!

[Whisky2014]

Yeh, I think in your situation it may be worse since you don't see him so much. I think what he did was mean and if you aren't satisfied at how it was left, definitely talk to him about it again. I guess you will know how he reacts whether this is right for you.


My partner makes plans here, there and everywhere and says yes to all offers of stuff. If I get any I always think "oh but what is my partner doing" I could spend the time with him instead. WHY no idea. I live with him, see him all the time and put him first always.

[LaurieLemons]

You're not a control freak, all he has to do is text you it's not hard. I'd be tempted to just be really vague and keep him waiting from now on. 'Oh you want to see me? Maybe later' 'I'll let you know', give him a taste of his own medicine.

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

I will reiterate the idea of how he would feel if I did it that PP have suggested. I think you're right that that is a strong argument!

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Laurie - good plan, I will give vague a try! Just so annoying.

I suppose I could learn to live with it, it's not the end of the world, of course. But it does concern me that it's a lack of respect so early on. I don't want to find myself in a controlling or undermining relationship later down the line.

Sounds trivial, but it's these little things that make me question the whole marriage/cohabitation plans we have for the future. But then I feel a bit ridiculous about that!

I do like to know where I'm going to be and when in advance. I'm definitely not spontaneous! But think you're right that this doesn't make me a control freak

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Whisky - I think we do it because we are respectful and because we want to spend time with them. Also thinking about your partner's plans before making plans that might impact them - to me, this is common courtesy, which I think is why I'm angry about it. And a little hurt, if I'm honest.

[Whisky2014]

Yes, its being courteous, that's exactly it.

It is hurtful when we think of them but they don't think about us.

I hope you manage to sort it out :)

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Thanks whisky! Glad to know I'm not wrong on this one! I'm off for the talk now. We shall see how it goes!

[SunnyIsles]

It's never ok to leave someone sitting around waiting for you! There's no excuse for it when there are so many ways to contact someone.
If this was a friend and not a DP, how would you feel?

[Whisky2014]

Sunny - my DP said I was reading too much into it. That he was in the lab where there's no phone. He said if he had had plans with friends they'd have also waited because the job he had to do HAD to be done and it took longer than he thought.
How can I argue with that?

[TheNaze73]

There's no excuses here whatsoever. He may have had his reasons but, the lack of communication is poor on his part & very inconsiderate on his part

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

Had a chat with DP about this in the car this evening. He maintains that to him, the plans weren't 'concrete' so he didn't see a big problem with changing them, BUT did admit he should have let me know.

I reiterated that it concerns me that it shows a lack of respect etc, and turned it round to ask how he would feel, gave examples of what else I could have done with my time. He was a bit defensive in places, but did listen.

We have made plans for Friday, and I asked and he confirmed several times that they were 'concrete plans' (family birthday) and I made it clear that he would need to plan ahead to ensure it all happens as it should.

I also said I would reuse the word concrete often, to establish whether he means 'I will' or 'I might', so I know exactly when I should reserve time for us versus when I am free to do as I please.

He took it well, so hopefully that will be an end to it...

Sheeeesh, why can't men just understand this stuff without such a rigmarole??!

[Isetan]

There are two issues here, firstly there is his inconsiderate behaviour and secondly, is his reluctance to take responsibility for the consequence of his inconsiderate behaviour. Apparently, being defensive and lame arse 'plans weren't concrete' bullshit are preferable to holding his hands up.

He may be very generous in other areas but that doesn't entitle him to disrespect you in others. My Ex could be incredibly generous and I let a lot of stuff slide because of it and it wasn't until after our breakup, that I realised that 'his generosity' had a huge payoff for him. In fact I believe that any benefits I received from his 'acts of generosity, were often coincidental and wasn't the point of his generosity.

How many times are you prepared to have this conversation? How many times are you prepared to watch him try and make you (partly) responsible for his inconsiderate behaviour and how many times can you let this slide before it starts effecting your self worth?

This is not trivial and if it's annoying now, it will become a lot worse with every repeat.